I must admit that it was very hard for me to talk openly about my childhood. It was always something I wanted to forget because I don’t have nice memories from that time.
But somewhere along the road, I realized that the more I keep it inside the more I will suffer. So, I decided to break free from all my fears and the demons that were a part of me for my whole life. Today, I am getting rid of all the emotional pain I have been keeping inside for so much time. I am finally ready to say out loud that I was a child of addicted parents.
And the worst part is that they didn’t even try to get better because of me. Instead, they brought me into the black hole of alcohol and drugs, convincing me that they had found a good way to deal with their problems. And I believed them, embracing their lifestyle like it was something I chose. But in no time, I figured out that alcohol wouldn’t solve my problems.
They would just be even bigger the next morning I woke up hungover. I realized that the next drug I took wouldn’t help me feel better because I would be high just for a short amount of time but it wouldn’t help me in the long run.
I remember that I was on my own fighting with addiction while my parents were there to cheer me on to take something to make me feel better. But just one look at their exhausted bodies and that numb look in their eyes woke me up, warning me that I would transform into people like them if I continued like that.
So, I quit. Maybe it is easy to say that but it was damn hard for me to get out of it alone. But what I wanted to say is that after all that I have been through, I totally changed my mindset.
And on the other hand, I changed because of my parents as well. I know that because of them, I lost a part of my life I will never be able to bring back and they feel no guilt about that. They think that they were the world’s best parents but the truth is different.
But what is sadder is that thanks to them, I am a different person than the one I was supposed to become. And this is how their addiction changed and ruined my life:
1. I became depressed
After everything that I went through with my parents, I transformed into a depressed girl. I couldn’t accept the fact that my parents were addicts who were neglecting me while other kids were being raised by normal parents.
I couldn’t believe that my mother and my father chose drugs and alcohol over me and that they left me like they were leaving nothing. And as I grew up, I started questioning myself about if I had done something wrong to them for them to become like that.
And no matter how much I thought about that, I couldn’t find a solution for their behavior. I spent so much time wondering if there was a way I could help them but frankly speaking, I was just a child who couldn’t do anything to save them from themselves.
2. I started to think I wasn’t worthy
While I was a teenager with a messy life, I was thinking to myself that I wasn’t worthy and that my parents couldn’t be proud of me. I thought it was all my fault and that’s why I started drinking every night.
In that way, I was able to forget that I had a shitty life with parents who didn’t give a damn about me. I was someone who totally turned my back on a good life and started living a life that wasn’t appropriate for a girl. I did whatever I wanted and I didn’t have the qualities of a good woman.
I was someone guys could have fun with and leave whenever they wanted. I didn’t give a damn about myself. I totally gave up on my life, thinking that I wouldn’t suffer if I did so. But I did. More than ever. And I still feel the consequences of that kind of lifestyle.
3. Fear was all over me
I really don’t know whether I felt fear or if I was just confused by everything that was happening in my life. I know that I was afraid that my parents would overdose one day and that I would find them dead when I got home from school.
Every time my father went to buy booze in the middle of the night, I had only one question in my head: ‘Will he come back?’ and I would stand in front of the window the whole night, waiting for him to come home. But he couldn’t wait to get home and drink so he would drink all the booze on the way home and fall asleep somewhere on the street.
And that fear that I would lose my parents is still inside me, even though I am an adult now. I know that I can take care of myself and that I have people who love me but I still don’t want something bad to happen to my parents.
4. I react impulsively
Throughout that time I lived with my parents, I started acting very nervously and I didn’t have the nerve for anything. I would always react more impulsively than I was supposed to and that ruined my relationships with the people around me.
If someone would tell me something I didn’t like, I would start fighting with them immediately because that was my defense mechanism. I couldn’t calm down and talk normally to people. And the problem is that I still can’t get rid of that ugly habit. I am giving my best to have that self-control I need so much but sometimes I just go crazy.
I guess all that yelling and losing their temper that my parents showed when they didn’t have money for drugs or alcohol affected me. And I think that will always be a part of my life. I can just try to control it but I will never be able to change who I have become.
5. I still think I am the guilty one
For my whole life, I have been thinking that I was guilty that my parents acted like they did. I blamed myself for their addiction and I thought that I could have been a better daughter. I thought that I didn’t make enough effort to save them from themselves and that I should have tried better.
And even though I am an adult now and even though I know that it wasn’t my fault, when I see them trying to hide alcohol from me, I can’t stand that I can’t do anything about that. I still want to help them but I am afraid it is too late. Alcohol and drugs are a part of their lives and they live like that like it is the most natural thing in the world.
They don’t think about me or my feelings while I still bother my head about ways to help them blaming me for some things.
In the end, I would just like to say to all the kids of addicted parents that it is not your fault. You just had bad luck to be born in a family like that. You were the one your parents should have taken care of but somewhere along the road you took on that role.
You have been carrying a heavy burden on your back for such a long time and it is finally time to set yourself free from everything bad.
I can completely understand all your fears, your wishes and your thoughts because I was raised by addicts. I know what you went through but I also know that you are here, still standing on your own two feet and fighting to have a normal life.
You don’t ask for much, like you never did. And it is about time to let go of the past and turn to the future. Leave the past where it belongs. Create a life you will be proud of, one your children will be proud of.
The best thing you can do is be a better parent to your kids than your parents were to you!