I once saw something that captured my attention and I didn\u2019t know why. Something that I
\nin quel momento era cos\u00ec importante, qualcosa che mi ha investito come se stesse accadendo a me.<\/p>\n
That day, I went to the bus station as I did every single day. But that day I got up a bit earlier and I decided to leave immediately, despite the fact that I was going to be early for the bus. I thought, what the hell, I\u2019ll grab a cup of coffee and I\u2019ll walk around; it was a lovely day anyway.<\/p>\n
So, there I was. I took my coffee to go and I put on my headphones. I grabbed a smoke and I sat on the small wall that was hidden in the bushes. Oh God, it was such a good place to enjoy and hide when you didn\u2019t want anyone to bother you. You know, just in case you meet someone at the bus station when you don\u2019t feel like talking that much.<\/p>\n
Rimasi seduto l\u00ec per una buona mezz'ora. Bevevo il caff\u00e8 e di tanto in tanto guardavo le persone che mi passavano accanto con disinvoltura. Mi chiedevo cosa stessero facendo tutti loro, dove stessero andando. Ero cos\u00ec interessato alle loro vite. Cos\u00ec, mentre stavo facendo un po' di profiling psicologico, quando \u00e8 successa quella scena che ricorder\u00f2 per il resto della mia vita. All'improvviso vidi una piccola auto grigia che si dirigeva ad alta velocit\u00e0 verso la stazione degli autobus.<\/p>\n
The driver hit the brakes so hard that the tires left marks on the road. The next thing I saw was a very angry woman rushing out of the car, slamming the door behind her. She opened the trunk, took out two huge bags and threw them on the curb with every ounce of her strength. Then out came a guy from her car. That is a scene I\u2019ll remember for the rest of my life. That is a scene I survived like it was happening to me.<\/p>\n
You see, he got out of the car, looking all poor and broken. He looked like he didn’t have a reason to live. She kicked him out of her life, she kicked him out of her car. And she left. She left without looking back.<\/p>\n
But that moment, seeing him alone and abandoned, captured me. I\u2019m not saying that he didn\u2019t have it coming. Maybe he did but somehow I was on his side. Somehow he got my sympathy.<\/strong><\/p>\n I had no idea why I was rooting for him in that situation. I don\u2019t know why I felt so sorry for him. But something inside me woke up. It\u2019s like I could have understood exactly how he was feeling. I could feel the pain and I felt uncomfortable and spaventato<\/a>.<\/p>\n Ma dopo tanti anni, mi \u00e8 successo qualcosa. Dopo tanti anni, ho finalmente avuto la risposta alla domanda sul perch\u00e9 provassi tanta empatia verso quel povero ragazzo lasciato alla stazione degli autobus.<\/p>\n You see, I lived with an abuser. I lived with a man who used me in every way possible and I couldn\u2019t leave him.<\/strong><\/p>\n I couldn\u2019t break free from the chains he kept me in. I had no one and I had nowhere to go. For so many years, I put up with insults, with screaming and threatening. For so many years, I walked around him on eggshells because if I did something he didn\u2019t like, he would flip out. He would go crazy. I completely adjusted my life so it suited him. Actually, there was no more me in that relationship, it was only him and his wishes.<\/p>\n And the worst of it was that he claimed he loved me. He tried to convince me that I was not quite myself, that Satan had got into me and he had to get him out. He tried to convince me that I was a bad person but that somehow it wasn\u2019t my fault. He tried to make me believe that everything I did was wrong and everything he did, every hurtful word he screamed at me and every insult he gave me, was right.<\/p>\n He would lay a ton of hurtful things on me because \u2018I had it coming\u2019 but he always did it in a way that I believed he was my savior. He ruled over me because he would hurt me and offer me help at the same time.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n I was scared for my life sometimes. He would go crazy and throw things around the house. He would break things because I\u2019d said something that he didn\u2019t want to hear.<\/p>\n Mi sono lentamente stancata di scegliere con cura le mie parole e di rinunciare ai miei sogni perch\u00e9 lui aveva un problema con qualcosa, perch\u00e9 era geloso o per qualsiasi altro motivo che vi possa venire in mente. Ho iniziato lentamente a dimostrargli che volevo riavere la mia vita e potete immaginare la sua reazione quando si \u00e8 reso conto della sua piccola prigioniero<\/a>, la sua marionetta, gli stava scivolando dalle mani.<\/p>\n And now we get to the part that is carved deep in my mind. It was a day like any other. We were at peace that day because I hadn\u2019t given him a reason to flip out. Of course, that wasn\u2019t a guarantee that he wouldn\u2019t. I came home from work and there he was, sitting on the couch, doing absolutely nothing, like always.<\/p>\n Poich\u00e9 era cos\u00ec annoiato dalla sua vita, ha preso la mia vita per giocare. Ha deciso di manipolarmi e tormentarmi perch\u00e9 non aveva niente di meglio da fare. L'ho visto nei suoi occhi nel momento in cui sono entrata in casa. Ho visto la rabbia repressa che si nascondeva dietro un volto indifferente. I knew that this day wouldn\u2019t end well for me and I was right.<\/strong><\/p>\n I tried to avoid him and talk to him as little as possible. I knew if I made one wrong move, all hell would break loose. So I was so careful, I was invisible in my own house. But that wasn\u2019t enough, it never was.<\/p>\n When an abuser wants to create you a problem, when he wants to stress you out, he will do it. Even if you don\u2019t give him any reason to do so, he will create a reason, from scratch. From nothing.<\/strong><\/p>\n It all began with just one question. I knew where he was going with that. His jealousy was so sickening, it consumed his mind every time. I know he had no idea what he was saying and what he was dong. Actually, I comfort myself with that thought. I simply can\u2019t accept the fact that someone who is supposed to love you and someone you love back could do something like that to you intentionally.<\/p>\n Poi sono iniziate le urla. Urla. Bestemmie. Insulti. Tutto il repertorio. Rimasi l\u00ec, senza pi\u00f9 lacrime da piangere. Le avevo gi\u00e0 versate da tempo. Rimasi l\u00ec ad ascoltare tutte le parolacce che si possono pensare. Ho pregato Dio che tutto questo finisse il prima possibile.<\/p>\n Ma non c'era fine. Anche quando stavo zitto, mi costringeva a parlare. Minacciava di spaccare le mie cose, di colpirmi e di uccidermi. Cos\u00ec ho dovuto partecipare al suo piccolo spettacolo. Dovevo rispondere alle sue domande dando le risposte che voleva sentire. Dovevo diventare qualcun altro finch\u00e9 non fosse finito tutto.<\/strong><\/p>\n He always threatened to kick me out of our apartment. He always threw my things around the house but he never actually kicked me out. I honestly never thought he had the balls to do it. Until today. I was standing in the hallway, hopelessly looking at him packing my stuff. I couldn\u2019t get anywhere near the room. I couldn\u2019t talk to him. I even found myself begging him to let me stay.<\/p>\n