Getting over someone who has done you harm and healing your broken heart on your own is one of the most painful things you’ll go through in life. Getting over someone you’ve loved never happens overnight. It is a process and it takes time.
And there is nothing romantic and beautiful about it. Instead, it’s ugly and painful. And during this process, you do some things you are not proud of, but you simply think they are things that will help you heal at the moment.
I know because I’ve been through all of this. And here are 6 things I thought I had to do to move on with my life.
1. Talked about you constantly
When you first walked away from me, you were the only thing on my mind. And while I forbade everyone else to talk about you because I thought that would help me think of you less, I was the one who wouldn’t shut up about you.
I know I was boring to the point where my friends and family probably couldn’t stand me. But somehow, they stuck with me.
And I am grateful for that. I am grateful that none of my people backed out on me and that none of them gave up on trying to save me.
2. Stopped eating and sleeping
After you left me, I thought my life had no purpose and subconsciously, I didn’t want to exist without you; subconsciously, I wanted to die. It wasn’t something I knew I wanted but looking at things from this perspective, I see that I was acting like I was deliberately ruining my health.
People couldn’t understand it, but I lost my appetite almost completely. I didn’t eat and I didn’t sleep.
All I could do was think of you and all the pain you’d caused me. My life had no meaning anymore and I just couldn’t force myself to function properly.
I was obviously fighting depression which I didn’t know how to handle.
3. Drinking too much
I didn’t sleep and I didn’t eat, but I drank. And I drank way too much.
When I think about it, I was probably very close to becoming an alcoholic.
I don’t know why I did it. I guess I was trying to run away from all of my inner demons and from everything that was going through my head. What I didn’t know was that the alcohol was actually doing the opposite. It was actually feeding my demons and my dark thoughts.
I guess I thought I was allowed to talk to you or to call you only when I was drunk. And with time, I started using alcohol as an excuse for everything I knew was wrong but wanted to do it anyhow.
Now I know that I thought all that alcohol in my blood would wash you out and that would erase you from my system.
4. Crying all the time
Together with alcohol, came the crying.
I couldn’t cry as much as I felt the need to while I was sober. Something was simply blocking me. My tears would come to the back of my throat, but it was as if they refused to move an inch from there.
But when I was drunk, everything was different. My defense mechanisms would suddenly go away and I would start sobbing like there was no tomorrow.
With time, crying became my ritual. I cried out every beautiful memory you and I shared, every fight we had and everything we missed out on.
And while with time, this constant crying started to annoy me, now I know that things had to be that way and that it was better like that. Now I know that this crying was just a stage of my healing process.
5. Cutting my hair
Next thing I did was cutting my hair.
This is something many girls do when they are going through a break-up. But before it happened to me, I couldn’t understand why.
Now I understand everything.
I did it because I wanted to change. I wanted to, at least partly, destroy the person I was while I was with you. I wanted to spiritually bury the woman who loved you. I wanted to change my identity.
And cutting my hair was a way of doing that. Maybe it wasn’t efficient in the long run, but it certainly did help me at that point.
6. Kissing boys I didn’t like
One of the phases of getting over someone who has done you harm is being angry at them.
And I was angry at you. So I wanted my revenge.
Besides my heart and soul being ruined, my ego was also hurt. So I knew I had to find a way to boost it.
And I thought the best thing I could do was to show myself that I didn’t love you anymore. To show myself that I could be with some other guy and that I was ready to move on.
But I wasn’t anywhere near ready.
And until I realized that, I kissed many boys I shouldn’t have kissed. I was with some guys I didn’t actually like, but I just wanted to be with them because they had one essential quality—they weren’t you.
And I thought that was more than enough.