I’m sorry I never took care of myself the way I should.
I’m sorry for not sleeping enough, for not being active, for not exercising, for drinking too much, for not eating healthily… I am sorry for not going to the doctor as often I should have and for acting like I didn’t want to live.
For years now, I’ve been completely disregarding my physical and mental health. I’ve stopped investing in myself—I’ve stopped giving myself the time and energy I needed.
I’m sorry for putting myself through all of my addictions.
I am sorry for all the alcohol and for the pills. I am sorry for being addicted to all the wrong people. And for thinking that my addictions would help me with my issues and that I could find comfort in them, when all they did was drag me to the bottom.
And I’m sorry for allowing all those addictions to take over me completely and to change the essence of who I was before they came into my life. I am sorry for allowing them to become my life and for allowing them to define me.
I’m sorry for all the lack of confidence and for never thinking I was good enough.
I am sorry for always comparing myself to others and thinking everyone was better than me. I am sorry for never accepting my true self and for never accepting my flaws, instead of constantly trying to change them.
I am sorry for thinking everything bad that was happening to me happened because I deserved it. I am sorry for assuming everything wrong was just my responsibility.
I am sorry for allowing everyone to diminish my self-esteem and to feed my insecurities. For allowing unimportant people to get to me—to convince me I wasn’t enough and to convince me I didn’t deserve anything better from life.
I’m sorry for never putting myself first.
I am sorry for prioritizing the people who didn’t deserve it. For never being selfish, although there were times when that was exactly what I should have been.
I am sorry for never loving myself more than others and for never choosing myself over anyone else.
I am sorry for always putting my own needs last and for acting like I never mattered.
I am sorry for always being there for some people who left me hanging. I am sorry for giving all of those toxic people a place in my life, for not cutting them off in time. I am sorry for allowing myself to be consumed by guilt even when I would get enough courage to walk away from someone who was clearly hurting me.
I am sorry for not appreciating my time and energy more.
I am sorry for not appreciating myself more in general. I am sorry for not respecting myself more and for not demanding respect from others.
I’m sorry for always being afraid. For not believing in myself and for not pushing myself forward. For being afraid to make some crucial changes in my life and for being afraid to improve it in every way possible.
And most of all—I am sorry for not loving myself more.
Because now it’s more than obvious that I never loved myself the way I should have. Because let’s face it—nobody would treat the person they love the way I’ve been treating myself all these years.
No, when you love someone, you treat them differently. You treat them delicately, with caution. You spoil and pamper them. You push them forward and you believe in them.
You try to justify their actions, even when they are wrong. You don’t judge every little mistake they make.
Instead, you make an effort to take care of their needs, emotions and health. You put them first and you never do anything that could possibly hurt them in any way.
When you love someone, you do everything differently.
And that’s why now I see I never loved myself for real. I don’t know why this is so but it is the only truth.
Actually, when I come to think of it, based on my actions, I can only conclude that I’ve always hated my guts.
And that is something I regret the most.
A teacher. A dreamer. A writer. A woman who’s been through all of the things you are going through. A woman who’s learned on her mistakes and whose advice you can trust. A woman who is trying to find her place under the stars. A woman just like you.