Your heart always seems to be racing. Your mind is constantly playing tricks on you, and you never feel at ease. Your senses are always vigilant, and there is always something making you agitated, with no particular reason.
That’s what anxiety feels like. Those of you who have it know the drill.
For a long time, I struggled with the idea of accepting that this is a part of my identity, and that it’s not going anywhere. The most daunting part of it was knowing that it’s going to affect my relationships, one way or another. I could never come to terms with it. The thought of it only made me that much more anxious.
I wrestled with the idea of coping with my anxiety and learning to somehow incorporate it into my life, so that it had the least damage possible on my romantic relationships. This was a struggle for me, but after years of denial and unwillingness to completely make peace with it, I have found a way to overcome this ‘obstacle’ and help myself be okay with not being perfect and like all those other girls.
It took me a while, and many challenging steps, but I’ve come to terms with my anxiety and I have finally learned to accept it as a part of me, and that those who love me, will love me regardless. Those who find this difficult to accept do not belong by my side, and I’m okay with that. Dealing with this is only for those of strong spirit and a determined mindset.
I HAVE EMBRACED MY ANXIETY AS PART OF ME.
It was always challenging for me to discuss how I was feeling with boyfriends. As you can probably guess, every time I would feel inexplicably weak or moody, they would pin it on either stress or PMS. For them, it was always one of those.
Not until I sought expert help, did I realize that this was much deeper than just everyday stress or my hormones going a little wild due to PMS. I was dealing with something a little more serious and a little more difficult to overcome.
You know your body better than anyone, and you are the only one who knows what’s going on inside your mind, so if you feel like there is something more serious going on, seek help, and don’t listen to those who don’t understand either your body or your mind.
I WORKED TO UNDERSTAND THE ROOT OF MY ANXIETY.
After talking with my psychologist and going through all the events in my life that may have sneakily left a lasting impact on me, I came to the realization that my anxiety is the result of a past relationship that was emotionally draining and suffocating.
I took a hard look at that relationship and realized that it has left a much greater impact on my psyche than I would’ve liked it to. The important thing for me was to understand this, and learn to move forward, with much clearer facts and a mind more willing to accept my reality of living with this.
Make no mistake, I am no victim, nor do I see myself as such. No. I am a survivor of an emotionally abusive relationship that has altered my ability to be of clear mind. Instead of holding grudges, I am moving forward with a healthier approach to new possibilities and new relationships.
IF A GUY COULDN’T ACCEPT MY ANXIETY, I SET HIM FREE.
I used to feel bad for the people in a relationship with me, for expecting them to be the ones to ask me about my condition and learn about it. But it did make me realize one thing. Those who never bothered to ask a single question and just expected me to get over it were the wrong people for me.
My anxiety made me see who was willing to work on the relationship and who was simply trying to get a free pass for acting like a douchebag.
It became tiring for me having to explain everything I was going through on a daily basis and listening to them ascribe everything to my anxiety. I learned that those who understand me, or are at least willing to learn, won’t bother me with specific questions because they understand that it only adds to my anxiety.
I don’t bother myself anymore with those who make it harder for me to go forward. As if it isn’t already challenging enough.
Now, after finally learning how to tackle this disadvantage of mine, it is much easier for me to see through people’s true intentions and choose wisely and carefully.
Once I realized I have every right to feel however I feel at that moment, and there is no need to justify myself to anyone, it became that much easier to let the wrong people go, knowing the right ones won’t need convincing to stay.