LIFE

I’m Forcing Myself To Accept That We Are Really Over

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Call me pathetic and an idealist but from the moment I first saw you, I was convinced that you’d be the man I’d spend my life next to.

I thought you’d be the person to hold my hand even when I grew old. That you’d be the person I’d start a family with and the man who would be the father of my children.

I was sure that our love story wouldn’t be ordinary and that it would be something which would last a lifetime.

I thought that nothing and nobody could ever stand between us and that love would conquer everything that got in its way.

Don’t get me wrong—I never thought it would be perfect.

I was aware of the fact that we’d have some rough times. I knew we’d argue and that we wouldn’t get along about everything.

But somehow, I was always convinced we’d surpass all of this.

Somehow, I was always convinced that the love we had would be stronger than all the obstacles and challenges life put in front of us.

But I guess I couldn’t have been more wrong. And I guess I was the only one who thought this way.

Because you wouldn’t have left me the way you did if you were sure of our love the way I was. And I know it has been a while since you and I were together.

And my reason keeps telling me that you won’t come back to me and that things between us will never be the way they used to be.

But my heart still refuses to accept it. And it still hopes, against all odds. I still refuse to really accept that we are over.

I am still forcing myself to accept that our love story has come to its end. And that it wasn’t a happy ending.

I still have to remind myself that I don’t have a right to call you whenever I feel like it. That I can’t share every single moment of my day with you.

That you are no longer the first person I can share everything, both good and bad, that has happened to me.

I am still growing to realize that you are not my forever person and that you are not the person I’ll share my life with.

That all of our future goals, plans and dreams will never come true. That we’ll never accomplish all of the things we talked about.

That we’ll never visit all the places we wanted to visit and that we’ll never do everything we planned to do.

That I’ll never be your wife or the mother of your children.

That I won’t spend every morning of every day of my life waking up next to you. That I will never fall asleep in your arms again.

That I’ll never again hear your heartbeat.

That I’ll never kiss you and that you’ll never hold me in your arms. That I’ll never spend hours watching you sleep and listening to you breathe peacefully.

That I’ll never again see your face on my doorstep, waiting for me to come home. That I’ll never see a text or a missed call from you on my phone screen.

I even can’t believe that you’ll never annoy me anymore. That we’ll never argue over silly little things.

That you’ll never make me angry the only way you knew how to. That I’ll never fight with you and that we’ll never again have makeup sex.

I am forcing myself to accept that sometime in the future, a new man will become a part of my life.

That someday, I’ll be kissing another’s lips and that I’ll be waking up next to someone else.

I am still forcing myself to understand that someday, you’ll be just a distant memory which I’ll hardly remember.

That it’s about time for me to leave you in the past. That it’s time for me to finally get over you and to let go of everything that’s reminding me of you.

That it’s about time for me to stop holding on to the past and to focus on my present and future.

I am still forcing myself not to love you. And I am still forcing myself to move on with my life.

Selma June
the authorSelma June

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