Once you experience domestic violence you are not the same person anymore. You stop believing in yourself, you think that you are not worthy or lovable. You think that the other side was right when they said all those nasty things to you. You are afraid that you made a mistake and that now you are paying for it.
And you know what the worst part is? That the man you fell head over heels with does that to you. He hurts you emotionally, physically and mentally and you can’t do anything about it. It’s even worse if you have kids with a man like that because you always stay because of them. But darling, if your kids watch domestic violence, it won’t make them better people. It will just make them aggressive like their dad.
So staying with an idiot just because you have kids with him is not something you should do. It would be best if you could see all the red flag signs in time and leave but for a woman who is madly and deeply in love with her man, that can be a mission impossible. Many women leave once it’s too late, when they were sent to hospital because of the severe injuries that their partner gave them and some even don’t get to survive. And when something like that happens to you, you start being aware of it all.
You realize that the man you love so much tried to kill you. You realize that he is so mad at you that he would leave his kids without a mother and he wouldn’t feel any remorse about it. You feel like a piece of shit and you just ask God why that had to happen to you. Why to you, because you didn’t do anything wrong? And then you cry yourself to sleep because that is the only thing you can do at that moment. You can’t even talk, you are completely numb and you just want that nightmare to end.
You want to forget all the nights when he came drunk home and beat the hell out of you because you fell asleep and you didn’t wait for him. You want to forget every day when he controlled you, telling you what you should do and what you shouldn’t. You want to forget every time when he belittled you in front of your friends and made you feel like the ugliest woman in the room even if you were the most beautiful one. You don’t want to think about all the gaslighting, kicking you while you were lying on the floor and bleeding, while your kids were watching you cry.
You want to forget how his jealousy destroyed what you two had and you shivering every time he walked into the room. You don’t want to think about his toxic hands that touched you so many times but not in a good way, gently like you deserved, but heavily, making you do things that you didn’t want, like you were his worst enemy. You think about your life with him and there are so many pictures in your mind. And none of them are good ones. All those pictures contain you, with blood on you and on his hands, your kids watching and not being able to understand why Daddy is hitting Mommy, because she was a good girl.
And while you have those flashbacks you feel like your world is falling apart and like you can’t do it anymore. So you start to scream and to smash things because you are mad at yourself for staying with an emotional psychopath for such a long time. You curse the day when you said ‘YES’ to him because that day was the very beginning of your personal living hell. With a simple ‘YES’ you signed up for a life sentence for yourself and you didn’t know it. An abuser was hiding behind the face of a man in love but he just wanted to take advantage of you and beat you to emotional death. So, you think about the things you did to him and you can’t find a reason good enough to understand why he did all that to you.
You just wanted a peaceful life with him and with your kids. You didn’t want all that name-calling, belittling or physical abuse. You were a woman to love but he missed seeing that. And then you think about what your life would be like if you had married another man, one who wasn’t as charming as him, one who didn’t know how to make you smile like he did or one who didn’t make your whole body shiver when he hugged you. You end up asking yourself if love is such a feeling that is reserved only for special people. Because maybe if you are not one of the chosen ones, you will end up hurt.
You want to find answers to so many questions but you don’t know where to start. The most important thing is that you hug your kids and your loved ones just to feel a little bit better for a second. You want so badly to be the old you again but you know that you won’t be able to make it on your own.
I won’t lie to you and tell you that it will be easy because it won’t. When domestic violence happens, you can’t just leave and hope that it is over. It is over for your body because his damn toxic hands will never hit you again but there are scars on your heart. You are an emotionally ruined woman and you feel so insecure. When you experience your freedom, you don’t know what to do with it because he told you what to do all those past years. When you want to make a sandwich you don’t know how much cheese you should cut because he was always the one who would tell you what to do. When you sit down to watch TV you will be afraid that he will pop up from somewhere telling you what you can watch.
And it will take a lot of time until you get rid of the feelings that he is a part of your life. It is not something that can happen overnight but if you are persistent, you will make it. And once you get rid of all those bad feelings that link you to him, you will be okay. I know it sounds like a lie from this perspective but it is true. Once you say to yourself that it is enough, it will be enough. And that day you will be born again. That day will be your new beginning and the day when you decide to put yourself first. Step by step you will get your confidence back and you will refresh your relationships with your family and friends.
You will no longer live in fear and you will be able to sleep with your kids not being afraid that he will come and kick you out of the house in the middle of the night while it is freezing outside. The day when you decide to move on, you will be able to do that. So, my dear, if you have gone through things like this, just know it gets better. And these are not just words but a real story because I have been there. Once upon a time, I was the same woman as you are now. I was broken, beaten to emotionally death and totally disoriented. But I managed to get back on track.
After I spent so many days talking to myself and saying that I would be the old me again, I actually was. And so will you. Once this all ends you will feel all those feelings that you craved for so long. You will feel that you are enough and that you are worthy. You will feel that you are a lovable one when the right man comes into your life. And with someone like that you will see what real love is. You will finally feel like you should have felt before.
And sometimes, on dark nights, when the rest of the world is asleep and you think about your life and you wonder where your past love is, don’t blame yourself because you didn’t make it.
Don’t think it was your fault because even if you cut him off, he was the one who handed you the scissors.