The pain is huge. It consumes me. It has begun to be the only thing I feel. I miss being happy. I miss breathing in with all my lungs. I miss the feeling of not hurting.
I’m tired of feeling weight on my chest. I’m tired of my heart squeezing with anxiety.
I no longer want to say, ‘I love you’, and I no longer want to touch you. Once you were the love of my life, but you’re not anymore.
Once I would have given my heart and soul to you, but now I just want you gone.
I came to a point in my life which I don’t recognize. I don’t recognize myself. I don’t recognize people around me. I’ve lost track of my own life.
Once everything was familiar. I knew that I was coming home to you. I knew that I loved you. Okay we fought, but who doesn’t. The biggest thing I don’t get is that where did it all go wrong?
Where did I lose track of my own life?
Why are those hands which I loved now so revolting to me. Why doesn’t your kiss feel the same anymore?
Although I still don’t want to admit it, when I fell in love with you, I was running from myself. I didn’t like myself much back then, and I wanted to be something that I’m not.
That’s when I fell in love with you. I began doing things I wouldn’t normally do, and I began acting like I never did.
I began to embrace this person I was trying to become.
But sometimes, you have to have the courage to give up. You have to have the courage to love yourself for who you are. You have to stop running from yourself because as long as you don’t appreciate yourself, you won’t be able to love anyone else either.
So what I thought was love, was not even close to it.
It’s so hard now that I’ve given in to myself, that I’ve accepted myself.
People see me for who I used to be for so many years. It makes it hard to let go. Because from the outside, I was perfect. From the outside, I had a nice relationship. I was smiling all the time. I seemed to be perfectly happy.
But no one saw what was going on inside. No one saw that rotten unhappiness that was consuming me because I hated myself. I lied to myself. and it made me hate myself even more.
Now that I want to learn to love what I truly am, it’s so hard to move on from the ‘perfect’ me I’ve created, and others make it so much worse.
You know that when you come to a certain point in life and things get tough, you crave the times when everything was easier.
I crave, too. I crave for the past because now when I look back, it looks so nice. It makes me wonder why I blew everything up in the first place?
But, that’s a trap. That’s your dark side trying to do the easy thing. I know it was hard for me. I know how many tears I have spilled in my lonely room when no one was watching. I know how many times I’ve hid the dark circles around my eyes because I couldn’t sleep at night.
So despite the craving and seemingly good old days, I’m moving on. I’m continuing that big fight for my life. A fight for accepting and loving who I really am.
I gave up on you because that was the only choice I had left.
I could have pretended to live in a falsely perfect world. I could have pretended that your kisses and your hugs still meant something.
I could have continued the charades and woken up to dress like someone else every morning. I could have make you happy by staying quiet.
But, that wasn’t me. That wasn’t the person I am. You fell in love with something I created because I couldn’t accept myself for who I am.
I couldn’t keep up with that. I couldn’t keep on lying to myself.
I have to learn to love myself just the way I am.
I had to give up, but I had to give up on you because before that, I gave up on myself.
I’m never going to do that again.