LIFE

This Is Me Choosing Myself Over You For The First Time

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No matter what you may think now, you know very well I always put you first. You know you were always my priority and that there didn’t exist a person who could ever take your place. You knew I loved you so much that my love for you made me forget how to love myself.

For a long time, your needs were more important than mine. I was making all the sacrifices just so you felt good and just so you could be happy. I was always putting myself second because I didn’t have enough strength and energy to take care of both of us. So whenever I had to choose between you and me, I would always choose you, without a doubt. You knew that and you decided to use it.

You were the type of man who was always leaving me and coming back as he pleased. And I was the type of woman who could never say no to you. I won’t lie to you, I did it because I loved you. But most of all, I did it because I thought you needed me in your life. Regardless of being your girlfriend, you know very well I was also your family. I was the only honest friend in your life, the only person who was always there for you. You knew I always had your back, no matter what. You knew I was the only one ready to stand up for you when everybody else turned their backs on you. You knew that I was the only one holding your hand through all the rough times. And these are all the things you were right about.

You thought that there was nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. You thought I would always stay around and that I would never leave your side. So you relaxed. You stopped trying ages ago, thinking it was implied that I would stay with you, despite anything you might do. And that is something you were wrong about.

Because I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of your mistreatment, of your disrespect and of your lack of appreciation. I’ve had enough of your mind games and mood swings. I’ve had enough of you leaving me and coming back to me whenever you feel like it. I’ve had enough of me being the only one putting in all the effort and making all the sacrifices. I’ve had enough of waiting for you to change and sort your priorities out. I’ve had enough of putting you first while I was always your last resort and your safety net. I’ve had enough of destroying myself so I could save you. I’ve had enough of you taking me for granted and not loving me enough. And that is why I’m walking away and saying my final goodbye.

This doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do love you very much and I think there will be a part of me that will always love you. But that doesn’t mean I’ll continue doing what I’ve been doing for all these years. That doesn’t mean I’ll stay by your side, despite the fact that you make me nothing but miserable. And that love won’t stop me from leaving you. Because for the first time ever, I am stronger than this love I feel for you. For the first time ever, I am putting myself first. For the first time ever, I am choosing myself over you.

Because I do love you but I have to learn to love myself more. I have to learn that some people don’t want to be saved. If I stay by your side, I will only destroy myself even more. Because while I tried to lift you up, you were actually dragging me down with you all along. I have to learn that I can’t save you and I can’t help you until you decide to do it on your own, no matter how hard I try. I have to learn that my love can’t heal all of your issues and problems, no matter how great it is. And that is why I’m walking away. Because I’ve spent more than enough of my life too focused on you and living your life. Now, it’s about time I become my own priority and that is something you will have to deal with.

Selma June
the authorSelma June

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