I was under your spell for such a long time. I always thought that you loved me and that all that you do, you do for my sake. But that wasn’t the truth. That was just a lie you made up to convince me that my place is next to you, to make me be close so you can feed on me. And I must admit that you played this game perfectly well. You made me lose myself over you, over the man who wasn’t able to give love but who was always there to hurt and enjoy while I was suffering.
Because of you, I lost my self-esteem.
Even my best wasn’t good enough for you while I was feeding my heart and my soul from the crumbs from your table. You never gave me all of you even if I deserved that. I was just someone who was there so you would feel good. I was just your puppet you would use for your sick games.
Everything I did wasn’t good and everything you did was always perfect in your eyes. You never gave me credit for all the good things I did for you and all the time, other women were more valuable than me. So, in one moment, I started questioning myself. I started thinking that the problem is in me because I wasn’t good enough, smart enough or pretty enough—nd I was all of those mentioned. Now I know that I was too good for you and you knew it all the time. The problem was that you manipulated me well enough to think that I am nobody without you. You made me think that I was the unlovable one and that if you leave me, nobody else will ever look at me, nobody else will fall in love with me. Bu that was far away from the truth.
Because of you, I lost all of myself.
You were always there to control and to manipulate and to tell me what the best was for me. And I was so blind in love, so I would listen to all that you had to say, just to please you.
In our relationship, it was always your way and never mine. My voice was never heard and my decisions weren’t made without your consent. I completely lost myself over a toxic man in my life, the one who never gave me anything but wanted everything from me. The emotional vampire who would feed on me so he could feel good, never asking about my needs and my emotions.
Congratulations for ruining me. Hope you are happy now when you see me like this. Hope your heart is in place because you achieved all your goals. Because I am just a shell of the woman I used to be and it is all your fault.
Because of you, I lost the hope that things will be better.
Every day with you was like a battle without purpose because we already knew who was going to win. You were such a good actor that you convinced me it was all my fault when I would argue with you about hurting me. You convinced me that it was my fault for your cheating, lying and manipulation.
And I appeared to be crazy by the man who drove me there. I started losing my mind and I didn’t feel good in my skin. But yet, I was still with you, thinking that you will change, thinking that we can make it all work.
But after so much time trying and being the only one making things work, I got tired. My fragile heart couldn’t take that pain anymore. I was on the edge and I had to do something for myself. I was left with a little bit more common sense and I felt that I can’t live like that any longer. Then, I decided to leave. And even if it was the hardest thing to do, it was something that I needed to do because I had been holding onto something that wasn’t real for such a long time. I had been holding onto a man who never loved me for such a long time.
I know that the path from recovering from an emotional psychopath is long but worth fighting for.
I know it won’t be easy for me to go through all this by myself but that is the step I had to make to actually feel better. I know that I will spend so many sleepless nights wishing you were there to hug me with your toxic hands because they were the only ones I knew about. I know that I am an emotionally ruined woman, acting like one of the living dead—walking while being numb, seeing but not feeling. But I believe that is just part of the healing process. I believe that one day, I will be the old me. I just need some time to heal. I need time alone to take care of my wounds that are so deep from all the abuse you made me go through. But I swear, I will be the old me again and I will never fall for your lies anymore.
I know that I need to forgive myself for staying with you all this time.
I am aware of the fact that I stayed with you longer than you needed to destroy me. Now I am paying for that with my emotional peace. I am just a woman who is broken into pieces so little that they can’t be glued back together. But I believe that time heals everything, so it will heal my heart. I just need to start loving myself again, telling myself that no matter what you said, I am worthy of love and affection.
I need to start a new chapter of my life.
And this time, I will put myself first because I am the only one that matters. I put you first for such a long time and this is what I got from all of that—a broken heart, a bleeding soul and a mind that is not clear. Now when I am without you, I still think about you and I can’t focus on my recovery because every here and there, something reminds me of you. But I know that is all called ‘life’ and it has to be like that. I know that this toxic love taught me who I really am. It taught me that I shouldn’t trust people so much and that I need to pay more attention to actions rather than to words. This toxic relationship has given me strength I didn’t know I had and because of all that I went through, I feel much stronger now.
So, thank you for breaking me. Because if you hadn’t, I would never have known how strong and independent I am. I would never have seen this woman that I am watching in the mirror right now, the one who has been through hell and back but she is still standing on her feet.
And I don’t care if love never knocks on my door. I don’t care if I never feel an unconditional love from another man because I am contented for feeling that kind of love from within. Now, I know that I am good enough on my own and I don’t need a man to complete me. But if there comes the man who will be everything I was dreaming of and if I find my happiness with him, I know one thing: He will never try to change me or complete me, but he will accept me completely. He won’t fix me but he will love all the broken pieces. One day, there will be the man who will thank you for letting me go.