You want the honest truth about the girl who’s always okay? The truth is, it doesn’t feel so good.
It feels like constantly having your teeth clenched, because you are trying so hard not to say something that you really wish you could. It feels like putting on that smile everyone believes is real but you can barely keep it on your face anymore. Your cheeks hurt from faking being happy all the time and your eyes are borderline red all the time from all the tears you’re holding in.
It feels like a lump in your throat that makes it hard to swallow. It feels like having to excuse yourself to the bathroom one too many times, in order to pull yourself together and memorize that seemingly joyful face in front of the mirror, so that you can put on a show in front of everybody. But all you want to do is let those tears fall down your tired cheeks… Maybe then, you’d be better.
It feels like playing a game that you have become a little too good at. Knowing just what to say, so that no one would get suspicious, and knowing just when to smile, but not too much, so they don’t see through the charade you’re putting on. It feels like you’re the star of a movie you never wanted to be a part of in the first place.
It feels like never being able to seek help, because you are usually the one who knows how to fix everything and everyone. You’re in a room full of people but you feel so alone and isolated. And even if you found the courage to ask for help, nobody would take you seriously because to them, you’re that happy-go-lucky girl who always has a smile on her face that could light up a whole room. So you don’t even bother asking.
It feels like being physically ill. The kind of illness for which there is no cure. The kind of illness that makes you want to stay locked up in your room and cry yourself to sleep, knowing that you are alone in this and feeling so helpless and with no hope of things getting better. Feeling misunderstood and not knowing how it got his far. You are tired of being strong for everyone else. You need someone to be your strength now but there is no one in sight.
No one worries about you. That is the most painful part.
People just assume that you must be okay; I mean, how could you not be? But if they took a closer look, they would be able to see the real truth, the real you. But nobody ever does. And that is what devastates you. Doesn’t anyone care enough to know you’re hurting? Doesn’t anyone care enough to ask? It’s gut-wrenching.
Nobody notices you. Not the real you, anyway! All they see is a girl with a constant smile on her face and with a happy attitude. And nobody dares to look deeper! Nobody dares to look into your soul. Because they know, deep down, if they did, they would know the real you. And then they would lose the one person who is always strong for them. And that crushes you.
So you keep on putting on a show and faking the girl everyone thinks they know but in reality, nobody really does. You keep being everyone’s guiding light and a shoulder to cry on, secretly hoping that somebody will be able to hear your heart pounding inside your chest.
It pains you that nobody cares enough to notice you falling apart. It pains you that nobody wants to see through your red eyes and see those tears that are so close to coming to the surface.
Because you are the girl who is always okay. And that is what everyone chooses to believe.
And to them, that will always be the case.