When you first met this girl, you thought of her as being emotionless and senseless. You thought she was stubborn and selfish and that she only took care of her own needs.
This girl even appeared rude to you and it was clear she wasn’t ready to let anyone in her life.
When you come to think of it, she didn’t do anything bad to you but it was just the impression she made.
It was like she had these invisible walls all around her and as if she had a line and a boundary around her that nobody could cross.
And this remained like this even after you’d gotten to know her.
Yes, your opinion of her drastically changed.
You saw that she was anything but rude or selfish. Instead, she was kind in the rare moments she was ready to display her kindness.
There were times when you could see a trace of emotion, a trace of sadness and empathy in her eyes. But those were just moments that she would chase away and she would again become the person she always was.
But her boundaries and her walls always remained. Yes, she acted kind and friendly but only to a certain point.
At first glance, she was talkative and communicative. But when you come to think about it, this girl would just tell you some irrelevant things about herself but she never shared her deepest thoughts and fears with anyone.
When you come to think about it, she never let anyone in completely. Nobody saw her vulnerable side or her weaknesses.
And at first, everyone thought that she was simply a closed person by nature. Everyone thought that she just liked to be on her own or that she was an introvert.
What nobody knew was that this girl was scared. And her fear blocked her from being the person she really was.
What nobody knew was that this girl was actually the sweetest and the most sensitive person. She was a girl who trusted everyone around her and who wanted to believe there was something good in every person alive, even in those who hurt her.
So she kept forgiving people who did her harm. She kept giving second chances to those who never deserved it.
Because she thought everyone was like her. Because she thought that people were essentially good and that they just needed someone to awaken that good in them.
Because she thought people could change, if they were loved enough. Because she thought everyone deserved a new chance and an opportunity for a fresh start.
Because she thought she could handle all those toxic people doing her harm, without her being changed.
Because she thought their negativity would never impact her.
But sadly, that was exactly what happened.
Yes, she was always honest and she would always give her best to everyone around her. And she thought people would appreciate this and that they would give her the same in return.
But she couldn’t have been more wrong.
Because whenever she put her heart on the line, she was used and taken advantage of.
Whenever she gave her trust to someone, that person made sure to violate it.
Whenever she gave her heart to someone, that person made sure to break it.
And that is why she became like this.
After everything she went through, she couldn’t change all of those toxic people around her. But unfortunately, they have changed her.
She stopped believing in people, she stopped having faith in the good in everyone. She stopped believing that people, and especially men, wouldn’t take advantage of her emotions.
She stopped thinking that she could save someone, because she realized that you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
And most of all, she stopped thinking that she could make a difference in anyone’s life.
She accepted that some people are simply toxic and that they would do everything possible to hurt someone else and that there was nothing she could do about it, as much as she tried.
So she gave up.
And yes, someone might say that was a selfish thing to do.
But it was anything but selfish. She just chose to look after herself first and she chose not to give others the opportunity to destroy her.
It doesn’t mean it was the best decision of her life but it was the only one she could make.
So don’t think this girl is heartless and don’t think she doesn’t have emotions. Because you couldn’t be further from the truth.
And because there is much more hiding behind her mask of a tough girl.
I am an English Language and Literature teacher. I am a writer. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend… But most of all, I am a woman, just like you.
A woman who has experienced the same things you’ve been going through. A woman who’s been fighting battles similar to yours. A woman who wants you to learn from her mistakes and who wants to help you empower yourself.