I know I am probably the last person you want or expect to hear from. And I know you don’t want anything to do with me and I assume that writing to you is another one of my selfish acts but I just can’t help it.
I am sorry to reopen your wounds and to remind you of everything you’ve been through. I am sorry that even now I can’t be a better man and just let you be because the truth is that I am not writing this to you to make you feel better—I am writing this for myself. Because I hope it will help me with my conscience and to make myself feel better.
Yep, I am obviously still the same selfish asshole I’ve always been. But at least I’ve grown enough to realize it, to accept it and to admit it.
But that doesn’t make any of it better, does it? It doesn’t make me a better person or a bigger man in your eyes, does it?
I am not writing this to you to get you back, although sometimes I secretly hope that will happen. But I am very well aware that I’ve lost all my chances with you and that something like that is far from possible.
I am writing it because I want to at least try to give you an explanation of everything that went on. Not because I expect you to understand me but to explain myself to you and to try and understand myself.
I am writing this because I want you to know that I am finally taking all the responsibility for everything I’ve done to you and to us and because I want you to see that I finally realized everything.
I’ve realized I was an emotional psychopath who ruined the only good thing I had in life—our relationship.
That I was an asshole who chased you away with my toxicity and insecurities.
That I was bad for you and that you made the right choice when you finally gave up the fight and when you finally gave up on me.
Because you saved yourself.
Yes, you tried to save me as well but after many years, you saw that was impossible. You saw that I would always stay the same negative and destructive person I always was. You saw that I was only dragging you down with myself and that there was nothing left for you to do to save me.
Because the truth is I didn’t want to be saved. And I never allowed you to help me heal.
You saw that I was the one changing you. That I’d entered your mind and played with it. That I tried to convince you that you were overreacting and exaggerating, that I tried to make you lose your mind.
That I manipulated you into thinking you weren’t good enough and that you weren’t worthy of anyone’s love. Because that was the only way to fight my own insecurities. Because I was convinced I would regain my confidence if I destroyed yours.
That I tried to make you feel guilty for my mistakes and that I tried to put all the blame on you. That I tried to justify my every wrong move, making them your fault.
That I killed the girl you used to be. That I turned you into a bitter and negative girl with confidence issues.
That I killed the innocent and sensitive girl I met and that I turned you into an emotionally damaged woman with trust issues.
You saw that I was trying so hard to break you.
But luckily for you, you were stronger than that.
Yes, I broke your heart. Yes, I left scars on your soul. And yes, I did damage you. But I never broke you completely.
And that was your biggest success. You’ve proved to us both that you were stronger than all of my evil and of everything I was doing to you.
I know you think I never loved you. But the truth is that I did. I loved you in some twisted, sick and psychopathic way and now I know this is not how I should love anyone.
Because the things I did to you were anything but healthy love.
I know that this was not the love you deserved and that is why I’m glad you sobered up on time and you found the strength to walk away from me before it got too late.
A teacher. A dreamer. A writer. A woman who’s been through all of the things you are going through. A woman who’s learned on her mistakes and whose advice you can trust. A woman who is trying to find her place under the stars. A woman just like you.