Dear Ex, Even If I Wanted, I Couldn’t Find Someone Like You
People have a tendency to do reckless things once they fall in love. We often do stupid things too, hiding behind the excuse that we did it for love. I did something ‘for love’ as well—I put up with you longer than I should.
You were not worth my time. You were not worth all those days, weeks or months that I spent on you. And yet I decided to give you all the time in this world. I was there whenever you needed me. I was your support, your partner, a person you could always rely on. You had me. You had all of me, whether it was my task to make you feel better, to listen to you or just to be there so you wouldn’t be alone.
I stayed so long because I hoped that with time, things would take a turn for the better. I hoped that by you seeing that you had someone who cared for you, you’d be able to embrace a brighter future. I thought that if you saw you were not alone, if I managed to show you that you mattered to someone and that you had someone to rely on, you’d become a better person.
You didn’t deserve my love. You didn’t deserve to have someone good next to you, like I was. You didn’t deserve to have someone who would stay awake the whole night because that someone was worried about you. You didn’t deserve someone who would bite her nails because she hadn’t heard from you for a while. You didn’t deserve someone who would forget about herself and put you as a priority. But yet you got all of that. I loved you and I decided to stick with you.
I loved you because I hoped love would change you. I didn’t hope to change you completely or to transform you into something totally opposite; that’s not what loving is. I just wanted you to feel loved, hoping my love would wake up this feeling of compassion and all the other emotions you buried somewhere deep down. I hoped love would make your good traits come to the surface.
I deserved to be at least appreciated for the things I did for you. A ‘thank you for trying’, ‘thank you for caring’, ‘thank you for being with me through thick and thin’, anything that would tell me you noticed my efforts. I wanted to see at least a glimpse of kindness from your side, at least the smallest light that would guide me or something that would tell me my efforts had not been in vain. But all my hopes were in vain.
Unfortunately, all I got were emotional beatings. You kept bringing me down and down. I never believed someone enjoyed seeing a person who loved him in pain so much until I met you. As if you felt better about yourself only when you managed to make me feel bad about myself. Things didn’t take a turn for the better. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I cared about you or how much I loved you, I wasn’t able to change you. I guess you weren’t half as good as I thought you were. Maybe you felt nothing good about yourself either. I just deceived myself by saying you did.
When I finally opened my eyes, I decided it was time to pick up all the self-respect I had left and walk away. I decided to stop giving the best of me to someone who hadn’t done anything to deserve it. And I decided to stop being a punching bag for you.
On my way out of your life, you said you were the best I could get and you told me I would never find someone like you. If I was any more naive I would have believed you. But I know better than to let you make me stay with those words.
Dear ex, even if I tried or wanted to find someone else just like you, I wouldn’t manage. Because there isn’t a man as toxic as you in this world.
There isn’t anyone crazy enough to throw sticks and stones at a person who did nothing but love him. I’m glad I can’t find someone like you because, frankly speaking, I don’t want a man that’s anything like you.
The girl who has had enough