What we had, the thing we called a relationship, was nothing more than you taking advantage of me. You loved my devotion to you, how I would leave everything and come to you the moment you called me. You loved how I made my whole universe spin around you and how I let my love for you cloud my judgment. In your own twisted way, I guess you loved me. But here’s the thing, you don’t destroy people you love.
So, thank you for all those nights I spent alone waiting for you. For all those text messages you never sent and my birthdays you forgot. Thank you for making sure I never felt good enough.
At the time, I didn’t really know what true love and a healthy relationship looked like. Now I know what they don’t look like. Now I know ways you made me feel guilty about everything were just another game you played. I felt guilty whenever I left, because you might call me. I felt guilty whenever I applied for a job, because I knew I wouldn’t be there for you all the time. I felt guilty when I got my diploma, because you never got yours. Do you have any idea how twisted that was? I felt guilty because I was doing great.
And how anxious I felt all the time. I was afraid you would meet someone better looking, smarter, funnier… Because you never made me feel loved, I felt like I needed to compete for your love. But you are not supposed to do that. The only fighting you have to do is fighting together. It means nothing if I’m the only one doing that.
Thank you for teaching me what manipulation looks like with all those stories of how broken you were. I seriously believed you were. I wanted to help you, I wanted my love to heal you, so I loved you with every piece of me. I loved you even when you were unlovable. But that’s how you operate, right? You capture a girl with those sad, blue eyes of yours and your sad life story, just so you can use it as an excuse for being a dick later on.
Thank you for always bringing me down. I was down for so long that when you finally left, I never hoped to get up again. But here I am, 2 years later, more confident than ever. Confidence is not something you are born with, it’s not something that just falls from the sky. You work damn hard to gain it and you don’t easily give it away. So, thank you for making me stronger than ever. Thank you for drowning me in darkness, because my light now shines stronger than ever.
And thank you for being my toughest lesson, because now I know what true love looks like, seeing what ours was. Now I know that I was never lucky to have you, it was the other way around. You had someone who cared for you deeply and loved you madly, but you twisted it. You turned my love against me and I thank you for that, because I’m taking care of my heart much more now. You were my drug, but I’m clean now. One overdose was too much.
I don’t regret loving you or letting you in. The only regret I have is that you were the one to leave. I never gathered enough strength to leave, always hoping you would change, you would love me. But thank you for leaving, really. It spared me from more pain that was sure to come. And after all this time; after the hell you put me through and the rehab that followed it, I know it was destined for us to meet. Only that way would I appreciate myself this much. Only that way would I love my scars, my mind and body. Only that way could I realize what my weaknesses were and make them my strengths. You see, I never built walls, I never shut myself from the world. That’s yours to do. I let the world in, because with you finally gone, there is space for all of it.