Isn’t it sad that you have to beg someone to love you to feel good? Is there anything worse than forcing a man you are madly in love with to reciprocate with the same amount of love?
And while you are doing it, in his eyes you are just falling even farther. You are a clingy and needy woman who is addicted to him and who doesn’t know any better. Every word that comes out of your mouth and every action that you take has something to do with him.
He is constantly in your head and you can’t stop thinking about him. You feel that the more you chase him, the faster he runs. And no matter what you do to make him stay, he somehow slips from your hands. I know this feeling very well because this happened to me. I was deeply in love with a man who couldn’t care less about me. And every action of his that would show me that he didn’t care just made me feel like I had to try harder to win him back.
I was desperate, I was losing my mind and I didn’t want to try with anyone but him. But all that was in vain because he didn’t care about me enough. He didn’t love me the way I loved him and that was breaking my heart.
He was the man I admired the most, he was my idol and everything he did was perfect to me. But he never saw me like that. For him, I was never a perfect girlfriend and the worst thing was that I knew all of that but I still kept trying. I did all the possible and impossible things to keep him close but he never truly wanted to commit to me. He was always trying to find some reasons not to be with me while I needed him like the air in my lungs. I thought that if I tried really hard, I would make him love me. But that never happened. He didn’t want me, none of me. Even my best wasn’t good enough for him. Even if I gave all of me, he thought it didn’t matter.
So, in case you will read this letter, I want you to know one thing. I want you to know that I was madly in love with you. And I also know that it didn’t mean anything to you. I gave you all of the best of me but you didn’t know how to cherish that. You were just leading me on and pretending that you loved me because you were a coward to let me go. Knowing that you had your safety net who would always be there was something that you needed so much. And I gave you that. But you didn’t give me anything that I craved so much.
How could you do that to me? How could you break my heart, by leading me on and making a fool out of me? Didn’t you hear that karma is a bitch and that you will feel sorry for all those nasty things that you did to me?
I guess you didn’t. Or you just didn’t care enough. What were you thinking? That I would always be your puppet you would have control over? That I would obey all your stupid rules that made me hurt? That I would close my eyes every time you cheated on me and accept you back when you did me harm? I was a fool once but that won’t happen anymore. I won’t fall for your lies anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
And no matter how much I still love you, I love myself more. So, I won’t force you to show me your feelings. I am good enough on my own. And the last thing that I need is a man to complete me.
So, if you ever try to come to my door to ask me for forgiveness, I will just close it in your face because I am sick and tired of your lies and your manipulation. I know that you will use all those sneaky tactics to try and control me again but I won’t let you do it. I know that you will tell me that you will change and beg me for a second chance. But you should know that I gave you so many second chances but you blew all of them. You took advantage of me even when I wore my heart on my sleeve.
You took advantage of a woman who was willing to make the whole world burn for you. And the night when you turned out the light in my eyes was the day when I decided that I should let go. I could finally see that you were not a good man for me and that you never would be. I realized that if I let you go, I would finally be free of all the toxicity that you brought into my life. I realized that no man is worthy of my suffering and the one who is will never make me feel that way.
I am just sorry that it took me so long to realize what kind of a man you were. I just regret loving you more than I loved myself. I was a woman who completely lost herself to a toxic man like you but in the end I found my way. I wish you were a lesson I had never learned but destiny had some different plans for me. I guess I know more about love now and I also know that I will never let a man control me like you did. I will always stand up for myself and if a man doesn’t like it, he is free to go.
I refuse to accept a man who will make me feel bad and swear that he loves me at the same time. Because that is not love. That is anything but love. And there are so many mediocre things in life but love shouldn’t be one of them.
So, I will continue walking through my life with my head held high, knowing that I did all in my power to be loved. And if nobody accepts me the way I truly am, I won’t be sad. I won’t cry and swear at my bad destiny. I will be calm and give it some time for the good things to happen. I will be patient and wait for the right one because every person has their soulmate.
And until he comes along, I will do the best thing I can. I will just love myself.