They say that the worst kind of loneliness is the one you feel next to someone you love, but they know nothing. The worst kind of loneliness is the one I feel in your arms and the one I feel when I’m kissing your lips. Because no matter how hard I try, no matter how far we’ve come, there are miles and miles between us. There is this huge wall you built and I can’t get through it. I can’t see you and you’re right in front of me. I’m freezing outside of these walls and honestly, I can’t keep on doing this. I can’t keep on knocking on your door to get no answer. I can’t keep on fighting these goddamn windmills.
If you want me to stay, let me know how you feel. Let me know if you love me, because I can’t keep on wondering if you do. I can’t keep on looking for signs that there is love, I’m not supposed to. I guess I deserve to at least know where we stand, after all that we’ve been through. I deserve to know whether we’re worth fighting for or not. But it looks like you made that decision for me after all.
If you want me to stay, keep your word. Show up when you say you will. Don’t come to me once I’ve already conquered hell. I don’t need you once I’m done. I needed you to have my back while I was fighting my own battles. I needed your support and your encouragement. I never needed you to fight my battles for me, I’m capable of handling my shit on my own. But I need to know you’re there. I need to know you care enough to be there, to show up. I need to know you care enough to keep your word.
If you want me to stay, take initiative. I’m done being the only one to plan dates, being the only one to put any effort into this relationship. I love you, I do. But I deserve more. And you know I do, you know I deserve more than the emotional leech you turned into. We were not like this, we were once relationship goals. But once you were sure I’d stay, you stopped giving a damn about this relationship. You stopped putting any effort into us but guess what? An engine needs to be taken care every once in a while. And mine wasn’t taken for a drive in a long time. Show me you care, show me you mean those words you say. Show me actions instead of empty promises, because I have had enough of them.
If you want me to stay, make time for me. For us. You see, I was patient, I gave you time to gather your shit together. But I’m running out of patience and you still don’t seem like you’re snapping out of it. I’m hurting and you keep on disappearing when I need you. I’m freezing and you’re taking away all of the warmth. I can’t keep on doing this. I can’t keep on hoping you will change, because deep down, I know you won’t. Deep down, I know you’re all talk. What kills me is how long it took me to accept the truth. How long it took me to take off the rose-colored shades and see the real you. To see us for who we are.
If you want me to stay, show it to me. Don’t tell me, don’t bring me gifts. Show me how much you care. Show me that you listen to me when I’m talking to you. Show me that you’re willing to fight together with me, instead of watching me fighting alone. Show me that I can trust you again. If you want me to stay, if you want me to love you, give me a reason. Love me back. Love me now. But don’t have any doubts about me leaving you once I have had enough, because I owned the world way before you came into my life and I can own it again.