LOVE

It Would Be Easier To Stop Loving You If You Stopped Showing Up In My Life

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I don’t understand why are you making this harder than it has to be. You wanted to go but somehow you are still here. And every time I think I am doing better, when I think that there is a chance this love will slowly fade and I will be able to move on, you reappear.

It’s like you are inside of my head and you know the exact moment to reach out. Because at that moment, I’ve firmly decided that there is no more going back. That I will be stronger next time you show up.

I start rationalizing things to make some sense of everything. We haven’t spoken for a long time and you probably let go of me, too. I have nothing to hold on to. And then you send a text. You call. You snapchat me. You do anything to get in touch—just so I know you are still there. It’s your way of reminding me I am still far from being over you.

I am far from it because you are not letting me go. I still haven’t learned how to resist the urge to answer your text or call. I still want you in my life and you are obviously taking advantage of it. I keep thinking that if you would just let me be for good, I would have no other choice than to let everything go. You would make it easier on me.

But you never do. You keep showing up in my life no matter how many times you said it’s the last phone call, it’s the last text. No matter how many times I said the same thing. No matter how much time passes. You always come up with something you just had to say or ask. You got used to the fact that I am here for you whenever you need me.

Don’t you think it’s unfair to want me in your life only sometimes? Only when it’s convenient and you need someone to talk to? You call when you are lonely and you start reminiscing about the good things we shared. All those beautiful unforgettable moments bring back the warmth I once knew, and I feel like we never broke up and I am still living them. And my love is just mixed with sadness when I even think that we will never have that again.

Don’t you think it’s too late now to talk about all the things you should have done differently? Of ‘what ifs’ and possibly different outcomes that could have happened if we had known better; if you had valued our relationship more; if you hadn’t taken me for granted? I start picturing our future again. I start thinking that maybe there is still a chance. You get my hopes up high, but I don’t think you have the intention to act on your words.

Don’t you think it’s selfish to want me as a friend when you know you are so much more? I wonder at times whether you even know what you want? Somehow deep down, I believe that you want us to be friends just so it’s easier to get me back once you straighten your life out.

Then again, you keep mentioning these random girls or I keep seeing you with them around town. They are new to your life. They are just friends because you are not ready to date yet—or so you say. Do you want to make me jealous or are you indirectly saying that you are still not over me?

Don’t you think it’s time you stopped messing with my mind? I believe it is because I can’t take this guessing game of “he loves me, he loves me not”. I need to know where I stand. I need to stop breaking my own heart by letting you come and go into my life.

So many questions that you probably can’t answer. But I think you will have to if you want me in your life. Either you want me there or you don’t—simple as that. This back and forth we have going on, this half-love, it’s just pulling me back and making me unhappy.

My love doesn’t have an on and off switch, so it can’t be flipped every time you come and go. It’s hurting me and causing me pain because I am holding on to something not knowing if it is still there. Please stop showing up in my life if you don’t plan to stay. Please stop lighting up my love if you have no intention of loving me.

Leah Lee
the authorLeah Lee

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