Although I wish we’d made it, the harsh truth is that we didn’t. And sadly, we never will. That is something I know I have to deal with and something I am slowly learning to accept, as much as it kills me.
I guess I’ll never know the real reason why we never succeeded. I will spend the rest of my life wondering why we couldn’t make it and how our lives would have turned out if we had. I will never stop questioning myself if there was something more I could have done to stay with you and to keep you with me. I will never stop wondering what it was that tore us apart and how come we didn’t stay together. I guess we were simply too different. Or maybe we were too similar? Either way, the fact is that we were never compatible.
The fact is that we obviously were never meant to be, despite all of our efforts. Because if we were meant to be, we would have stayed together forever. But that didn’t happen and let’s face it—it was both of our fault. We were both stubborn and hot-tempered and we didn’t know how to stay together, despite our wishes. And I don’t want you to think I blame you for anything. I don’t want you to think I hate you. Yes, you did some horrible things to me but I know you never wanted to hurt me intentionally. I know you did the best you could and that is why I forgive you for every bad thing you said or did to me. You see, I always knew who you were and what you were like and I chose to be with you, despite everything. You never misled me and you never pretended to be someone you weren’t. And that was what I liked about you the most. You were always honest but I guess I couldn’t handle your honesty. Or maybe you couldn’t handle some things about me? Were we too much for each other? Was this all-consuming love we both felt something we didn’t know how to handle? Those are some questions I’ll never get answers to and those are some things I’ll never be sure about.
Either way, the only thing I will always be sure about is our love. You and I loved each other very much. And that is a fact I have no doubt about and something not even you can take away from me. And that is the only thing keeping me sane in this madness I am going through right now. This is the only thing that keeps me from not tearing apart completely and the only thing I hold on to. I know we loved each other even when we both tried to deny it. And I know you also know it, despite the fact that you probably try to fight it with all of your strength, the same way I do. But none of it changes the fact that our love was very much real, despite everything that happened between us. Despite all the pain we both went through, despite all the tears I cried for you, despite your pride and ego and despite the fact that we are no longer together, I know that our love was real. It was something neither of us could ever control and something that consumed both of us completely. Something that was killing us and something that was keeping us alive all along. And that is why we both tried so hard to make things between us work out. I’ll never know whether we didn’t try enough or if we did our best but the fact is that we weren’t successful.
And I always knew that our love would be real and powerful. From the moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew you’d be the love of my life. That is something I could never explain to myself but from the moment I first saw you, I knew I’d found my other half. I knew you’d be someone who’d leave a mark on me, someone who’d always be special to me. It doesn’t mean I was certain we’d stay together for the rest of our lives, it doesn’t mean you were my forever person but you are definitely my soulmate.
I am an English Language and Literature teacher. I am a writer. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend… But most of all, I am a woman, just like you.
A woman who has experienced the same things you’ve been going through. A woman who’s been fighting battles similar to yours. A woman who wants you to learn from her mistakes and who wants to help you empower yourself.