This is actually a letter to the man who loves me right now. He does so much to make me feel loved and appreciated, but sometimes that love can be suffocating and I don’t really know how to respond. I have been broken. I have been in an abusive relationship where my previous partner took complete advantage of me, my feelings and my body. My ex never showed me compassion and naturally with my new partner, it’s difficult for me to let myself fall for him.
So yeah, here I am, looking at myself in the mirror, not knowing what to say to make you believe that love can’t simply fix my broken heart. It’s about more than that and I know that I may be difficult at times, but I swear I love you.
I need space. I know that you’ve grown up thinking that people need to be close in order to feel loved, but I do need space. I need my time off just so I can remember how amazing it is to have you around. If I take some time off it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore, or God forbid, that I want to break up with you. Rather that I want you to understand me.
I need time. I can’t actually heal overnight. I know that you want to break down all my walls and that you want to make me feel safe, but time is the best healer. It’s very important for you to know that I need your reassurance that you will stick around, no matter how much time I actually need. And, of course, there is no way I can know how much time that will be. I don’t know how many more nights I will cry myself to sleep because of my memories of being hurt. My scars are still burning me and you need to be aware that they won’t heal that quickly.
I need love. I need you to love me and most of all, I need you to love me unconditionally. It’s hard like everything else that comes with me. It’s something like a package deal. I will hurt you, I will scream at you and I will probably say things that will make you feel insecure. But I promise you it’s not what I mean to do. Sometimes, there’s no way for me to hold it inside and I need to let it all out. Hoping you understand is really the only thing I can do here. I love you, I really do love you. But if I’m being angry, know that it’s because of my past experiences, not because of you. There’s nothing that can cure me as much as love can, so please don’t give up on me.
I need consistency. Most of all, I need consistency. Every morning I need you to be by my side so I can see that you were there the whole night to watch over me. Consistency is the most attractive asset someone can have. If you’re consistent with loving me, respecting me and showing me that you care for me, then I will forever be yours. Without a doubt. Don’t give up on me at the first obstacle we encounter, but rather show me that we can conquer it all together. Show me that there is nothing in this world that can break us. Teach me what it feels like to be loved again.
Show me that I can be loved. Show me that I am lovable. Somehow, I don’t believe in it anymore. My faith in being loved has vanished from my life and I think that you can bring it all back. I really do hope that you can. Show me that affection doesn’t kill and prove me wrong every time I tell you that I am unworthy of it.
That’s the kind of love that will help me heal again.