I think that the main problem was that you were used to coming out as the winner in the game of love. Or better said, in a chasing game where you were the one who was being chased. Where you are a good player if you barely show any feelings. Where caring less and loving less makes you a winner.
Congratulations. You are ‘the king of not giving a shit’ but are you really a winner if you don’t allow yourself to feel?
I think your cold exterior is just a defense mechanism. You don’t want to risk getting hurt. And feeling requires just that risk. Putting your heart on the line and hoping somebody won’t walk over it. It requires faith that everything will work out for the best and even if it doesn’t, you will be OK. You clearly lack that faith and you are still not ready to put yourself out there for love.
That’s why it’s easier for you to act all tough and hard to get. It’s easier for you to be heartless when it comes to me. Knowing that every unreturned text and every unanswered call will hurt me and doing it anyways is not something you should be proud of.
Maybe this all acting like you don’t care makes you feel safe. I say acting because I feel that you have feelings toward me but you just don’t know how to let them in. You never felt them so you don’t know how to process them, that’s why you are holding me at arm’s length. That’s why there is this distance between us.
Maybe you are safe that way but are you happy?
Not letting somebody in can get really lonely. It can feel really empty. I know because I’ve been there and it didn’t work for me. It just made me numb. A sense of belonging is innate to all human beings. We need that warmth that love brings. We crave closeness even though we sometimes don’t even realize it.
You crave it too. I see from the way you act. You never mind if I feel like you don’t care but it was always extremely important to you that I do. It made you happy that I had no problem with showing my feelings. It made you happy that I cared more. You got used to getting everything from me and giving your bare minimum in return.
I saw right through you, through your act. But, I have to feel it too. I have to because even though I love you (and sometimes I don’t even know why but I do), I can’t love for both of us. That’s not how it works.
It’s not about giving bits and pieces of your affection to somebody who gave you all their heart. I didn’t even think twice about it. I just dived right into this love I have for you. I know you would never do it as it’s reckless and foolish in your eyes. But I think it’s the bravest thing anyone can do for love. You have to risk it all to get it all. Sometimes it works, sometimes it ends in tears but it’s always worth the risk.
Because in the real game of love, the one who risks wins. The first prize is that irreplaceable feeling of loving somebody and being loved back. I hope someday you will win the real first prize too.