I started 2017 enthusiastically as I do every year. At the beginning of every year, I become so pumped up and ready to have the best year of my life. New Year’s resolutions become my biggest dreams and I really try my best to fulfill them. I really do believe I’m the creator of my own happiness.
That’s what I did this year, but as you know, things pretty much never go as you plan them. This year I wanted to find love. I wanted to devote my time and give myself to someone I will love unconditionally. I was really sick of trying and failing to find the right guy. All I ever stumble upon were immature mama’s boys who don’t take anything seriously, including me.
Unlike almost all the men I usually dated, I have outgrown that period of my life. I’ve had my portion of wild drunken nights, one night stands, and casual relationships. This time, I wanted something different. I wanted a relationship that was going to last, a real true love.
And I got it. It was definitely love at first sight. The one that captures you. The one that locks your feet to the ground so you cannot move them when you see him. The one that makes your heart race and pound like it’s going to rip open from your chest. It was just perfect.
At first, he made me feel like I’m the only one in the world for him. He kept me safe, making sure no one or nothing ever hurt me. His arms were the safest place for me to be in. And I really believed that. I trusted him with my heart. I let him see me at my most vulnerable. I shared my deepest secrets and thoughts with him. He meant that much to me.
Things started to change…
He wasn’t his old self anymore. It’s like he was gradually turning into a man I couldn’t recognize anymore, a stranger that I passed by on the street, a nobody.
His behavior became toxic. He wasn’t satisfied with his life and he wanted to take it out on me. He wanted to blame me for everything. He wanted to find an excuse for his personal failure and I was the perfect tool for that. Too bad he didn’t count on breaking my heart. It only shows how selfish he was and a damn good actor.
I still beat myself up because I was able to let someone that sneaky trick me. How come I couldn’t see his real face? How did I miss it?
It’s because he kept an unbreakable mask on his face. It was just a matter of time before it cracked, letting me see a glimpse of what he really looked like and what he really was.
He made me believe in things that didn’t happen. He brainwashed me completely. I started to doubt my own mind. I thought I was the unreliable one. I thought I was the one who had problems. At that time, I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I doubted every action I did because I thought my mind had become sick and that I didn’t know any better. Actually, that I never knew any better.
That’s where he saw his golden chance to use me for whatever he wanted. Convincing someone who suspects their own thoughts to buy into his own beliefs was the easiest thing in the world. And he did it to me repeatedly and with no regrets or compassion. But, now I know he couldn’t feel those emotions because he was an emotional psychopath, a liar, and an abuser.
In the end, he almost destroyed me, but I finally got out. I ran away from him. To this day, I don’t know how I did that. I don’t know where I got the strength to leave. I was scared of him and of the things he was capable of doing. There were times I feared for my life, but I realized none of it was worth staying with him.
If I had to choose between dying and staying with him, I would choose to die. But, I tricked him with the strength I found deep inside myself, with the survival mode that lit up in me and I left. I saved myself from him.
And now it’s time for another year. It’s time to close the last chapter and say the final goodbye. That goodbye is not for him, no. That goodbye is for everything I’ve been through up until now. That goodbye is to all of my insecurities and fears which he caused. That goodbye is to my broken and destroyed self.
That goodbye finished the last chapter of my life with him.
That word was the final word that came out of my mouth when I closed behind me the gates of hell I had been living in.
I’m not afraid anymore. I still hurt. The pain never goes away that easily, but it will—I’m sure of it. I just need some time to heal my wounds and to put my heart back in its place. But you know what?
The book of my life has thousands and thousands of pages left and he took just a small number of them. That’s why I’m excited about the New Year because of the new blank pages that are waiting to be written.