I hate mornings like this. I hate the days when you crawl back under my skin. I hate when I see something that awakens the memory of you and me. I hate that I can’t forget you and I hate that letting go and getting over you is so goddamn hard.
Sometimes, I wish I had a chip installed in my heart and in my brain and that I’ve stored there all that reminds me of you. I wish I could take that chip out once and for all. Sometimes, I desire not to be human and not to have emotions at all. I wish not to feel you anymore. I wish not to be a prisoner anymore.
I wish I wasn’t a prisoner of love anymore.
I wish not to want to kiss your lips. I wish not to desire your fingerprints on my skin. I wish not to desire your arms around my waist. I wish not to want to tell you how my day was, not to think of calling you right after something happened. I wish I could get rid of all that reminds me of you.
I wish I wasn’t a prisoner of memories anymore.
I wish not to remember your smile or how you laughed at my jokes. I wish to forget all the times you brought me chocolate when I was sad, and hugged me and rubbed my back when I didn’t feel like talking. I wish I could forget all the promises you gave me. I wish I could get rid of the image of how our future might look.
I wish I wasn’t a prisoner of hope anymore.
I wish I could stop hoping we’d get back together someday. I wish I stopped daydreaming of you walking into a room full of people, taking me by the hand and kissing me. I wish I’d stop expecting you to change. I wish I’d stop hoping for you to choose me. I wish I could let the reality sink in.
I wish I could accept that you weren’t good for me. I wish I could stop forgetting bad things you did to me and I wish I could take down you from the pedestal I’ve put you on. I wish I could break free from the prison I’ve locked myself in.
It so much scarier to be without you than it is to be trapped by love, memories and hope that the tables will turn. But it is much more poisonous, too. Because each day I hold on to you, I forget how bad of a man you are.
Each day I refuse to admit to myself that we’re done, I lose myself more to you.
Each day that passes, I’m less of me and more of what you wanted me to be.