For as long as I can remember, I had the wrong men in my life. Some of them were toxic, some were abusive and some of them were selfish\u2026 Some of them maybe weren\u2019t all that wrong, but they were definitely wrong for me. Let me get one thing straight\u2014 wasn\u2019t picking guys of a particular type (or at least, I thought I wasn\u2019t); some of my boyfriends were players, you would characterize some of them as nice guys and they all looked different. But, all of them had one thing in common\u2014they all treated me badly.<\/p>\n
When I was younger, I thought all of my heartbreaks were due to my bad luck. I didn\u2019t chase any of these guys, they were all actually a correr atr\u00e1s de mim<\/a> in the beginning. But as soon as they saw they had me, they changed drastically. Some changed the way they behaved with me, some of them just walked away and some acted perfectly until I found out about their lies and cheating. The point is that I\u2019ve had more than one heartbreak and that I was always the one who ended up being hurt or left behind.<\/p>\n Demorei muito tempo a perceber que todos n\u00f3s gravitamos em dire\u00e7\u00e3o ao tipo de pessoas que nos s\u00e3o familiares. Por mais louco que possa parecer, os homens errados eram a minha zona de conforto e, por alguma raz\u00e3o, tinha pavor de quebrar os meus padr\u00f5es de namoro.<\/p>\n \u00c0 medida que fui crescendo, comecei a perceber que o que me estava a acontecer era mais do que uma mera coincid\u00eancia. Era eu que estava a atrair esses homens e era eu que os estava a escolher, sem sequer ter consci\u00eancia disso. Al\u00e9m disso, era eu que estava a ficar nestas rela\u00e7\u00f5es t\u00f3xicas e manipuladoras. Todos eles viam algo em mim que me tornava uma v\u00edtima adequada para os seus jogos mentais e manipula\u00e7\u00e3o emocional.<\/p>\n It took me many years of introspection and self-reflection, but now I can say I\u2019ve finally reached some kind of conclusion. I think I can finally say why I was choosing the guys that I was choosing and what it was that finally made me deixar de as apanhar<\/a>.<\/p>\n This was hard for me to accept, but the first thing that attracted these guys was my self-esteem\u2014or to be more precise, the lack of it. As far as I can remember, I\u2019ve dealt with my different insecurities. Although I thought these were things people around me didn\u2019t notice, I was obviously wrong. When I was with a handsome guy, I thought I wasn\u2019t pretty enough and when I was with a guy whose main quality was his brain, I thought I wasn\u2019t smart enough.<\/p>\n De qualquer forma, sempre pensei que n\u00e3o era suficientemente boa. E em vez de me concentrar nas minhas qualidades, optei por me concentrar nas minhas imperfei\u00e7\u00f5es. Pensava que estava a disfar\u00e7ar as minhas inseguran\u00e7as, mas os homens sentiam-nas. Sentiram que eu era algu\u00e9m que ansiava pela sua aprova\u00e7\u00e3o e aten\u00e7\u00e3o. Por isso, no in\u00edcio, davam-me isso, s\u00f3 para me conquistarem.<\/p>\n Most of the men I\u2019ve dated were actually too good to be true in the beginning. They knew exactly what I needed to hear and they used it. And that was their strategy\u2014once they made me feel wanted and loved, they knew they had me completely and their job was done. After that, I kept doing whatever they wanted just to have their attention and love back.<\/p>\n I was always craving the amount of attention these guys were giving me in the beginning and they saw I became addicted to their approval. Therefore, they could treat me the way they wanted. And most of them did. It was always easy for a guy to convince me I wasn\u2019t worthy and that I should be lucky to have him, no matter how he treated me.<\/p>\n So, if I wanted to break my dating patterns, the first thing I had to work on was my self-esteem. I needed to learn how to love and appreciate myself, before expecting respect from my partner. I can\u2019t say that I\u2019ve accomplished that goal just yet, but I am slowly working on it. I am taking baby steps, but I am teaching myself that it is OK for me not to be perfect and that my flaws are a part of who I am. Once you learn to aceitar as suas imperfei\u00e7\u00f5es<\/a>os outros seguir-se-\u00e3o. E quando aprender a amar-se e a valorizar-se, o seu parceiro far\u00e1 o mesmo.<\/p>\n The next thing that brought all the wrong guys to me was my fear of solitude. We live in a society in which a single woman is always looked down upon. I was so terrified of being alone, because I thought I could never be a complete individual without a man by my side. So, I kept settling for guys who didn\u2019t deserve me, just so I could have someone next to me.<\/p>\n Mesmo quando estava numa rela\u00e7\u00e3o, vivia com um medo constante de que o homem me deixasse e, por isso, fazia tudo o que podia para o evitar. Pensava que os manteria ao meu lado se fizesse tudo o que eles queriam e se me tornasse na pessoa que eles queriam que eu fosse. Claro que os homens sentiram o meu desespero e usaram-no de todas as formas poss\u00edveis. O meu medo da solid\u00e3o tamb\u00e9m estava relacionado com as minhas inseguran\u00e7as; n\u00e3o \u00e9 que tivesse passado momentos horr\u00edveis sozinha, tinha mais medo que as pessoas me julgassem, que pensassem que ningu\u00e9m me queria o suficiente para ter uma rela\u00e7\u00e3o comigo. Foi s\u00f3 quando percebi que estar sozinho e estar solit\u00e1rio n\u00e3o \u00e9 a mesma coisa que aprendi a abra\u00e7ar a vida de solteiro<\/a>.<\/p>\n With time, I\u2019ve slowly learned to appreciate \u2018me-time\u2019. It was hard in the beginning, but I gave myself time to get to know myself better and to start enjoying things that make only me happy, without having to compromise with my partner. And once I saw that single life is not all that terrifying and that it is something you should enjoy, my dating life also changed. I wasn\u2019t desperate to get into a relationship anymore and that caused me to be more relaxed and indifferent toward guys, which saved me a lot of emotional pain and many heartbreaks. Also, I wasn\u2019t falling into despair if things didn\u2019t work out with a certain guy\u2014I knew I always had a life I could go back to, with or without him in it.<\/p>\n Quando deixei de tentar mudar os homens \u00e0 minha volta e comecei a trabalhar os meus problemas interiores, rompi com os meus velhos padr\u00f5es de namoro. Foi quando percebi o que \u00e9 que eu preciso e quero da vida. E isso deu-me a capacidade de reconhecer os tipos errados no momento em que os vejo.<\/p>\n