I can’t let you go. Although I know that you are my worst nightmare, I can’t live without you. I can’t shake the habit of looking at my phone every minute or two because we would usually text each other all the time. We would spend hours talking and teasing each other. Now, all that’s gone, and I can’t believe it. I’m hoping that it’s all just a bad dream and I’m going to wake up anytime soon.

You are not by my side and I can’t talk to you, so my days go by slowly. I have even more time to think about you and how I maybe could have saved us, our relationship. We were probably doomed to fail anyway, and somewhere deep in my mind, I’m aware of that but I can’t accept it.

We both knew that the end was near and neither of us wanted it but it just couldn’t last. Our relationship was so toxic that it couldn’t survive. Maybe we could endure it a bit longer but we would only end up torturing each other even more than we already did.

I don’t know about you but I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to end it but it was unbearable. My love for you hurt so much that it became invisible after some time. I didn’t even know if I loved you anymore. Just now that you’re gone, I see that I miss you. I’m angry at myself because I keep thinking that I could have done something more to save us.

Now, we both keep trying to fix things but somehow it all ends in disaster. It all makes me hate you more and more each day. We meet or we call each other and it ends in us fighting. It ends with harsh and cruel words. It ends with me crying and swearing on my life that I’m never going to see or hear from you again.

So, we go around in endless circles and we do this all over again. It always ends the same way, which makes me hate you even more.

But I can’t fight it. I know that every time I see you again, I’m going to love you a bit less and hate you a bit more. But I keep reaching out to you in the hope that we could make things better. I keep reaching out to you in the hope that this time you’re not going to hurt me. That this time a flashback will come over us of a time when we loved each other so much. But that never happens because we are just not meant to be together and I can’t accept it.

Why do we keep doing this to each other? Why can’t we just move on and live our lives? Why can’t I just press delete and get you out of my system for good?

We bring nothing but sorrow to each other’s lives. We make each other so unhappy, yet we keep coming back like there is no one else in this world for us. We’re denying each other the chance of maybe meeting someone who will make our pain go away and teach us to love again. We’re preventing each other from being happy.

I don’t know about you, I can’t tell. Maybe you’re just enjoying torturing me, so you keep coming back to me. But I refuse to believe it. Only then would my entire world crumble on top of me. No, I won’t take that for an answer. I will continue living with the belief that you feel like I do. That you love someone who is wrong for you and who is not destined to be with you.

Maybe we did something really bad to deserve to be punished this way. Maybe we are being taught a lesson. Maybe this is only the beginning. Maybe this is nothing compared to the love that awaits us.

Maybe I don’t hate you more and more for no reason.

Maybe this is the final goodbye.

Maybe I don’t even love you anymore.