For months, I knew I had to break up with you. We had our issues and things became much too difficult on a regular basis that loving you just didn’t feel enough anymore.
I went through an array of excuses as to why we should keep going and I held onto my profound love for you for as long as I could bear. But all this made me tired. I started feeling like life was leaking out of my body and the thing that was once as easy as breathing had become the most draining thing in my life…
I don’t know how we got there… but I knew I was done compromising my sanity.
So I ended it. With a broken heart and tears streaming down my swollen face from spending the night crying myself to sleep, knowing what the next day would bring. Sadness, sorrow and not knowing how to go on by myself. I was unhappy with you… but being without you made my gut churn and my mind go crazy.
I thought the break-up in itself could not be anymore devastating but I was so wrong… everything that came after was like an emotional roller coaster I just couldn’t get out of. And I wanted to, so badly…
I realized that there is no such thing as an easy way out. Even though I was the one leaving you… there was still so much pain attached. The fact that I was breaking it off with you in no way signified the end of my love! No. The love is still there… I don’t see it leaving that quickly… but when you realize that love alone isn’t enough to hold a relationship together, that is when you have to make this devastating decision.
The feeling of emptiness never left my side. There was a palpable void in my life. I had to find new ways to fill those gaps I suddenly had in my day. Instead of seeing you after work and spending the night curled up together, watching movies and cuddling… I had to find something new to preoccupy me. The thought of what I had lost made me want to sob uncontrollably.
The thing I realized I missed the most were all those things that seemed so little and unimportant at the time, and easily taken for granted. Lying in bed and talking about our days, feeling safe and protected. Having our morning coffee together, you reading your favorite sports sections and getting annoyed when the Knicks didn’t get it done and me scrolling through my Instagram, looking at all the cute outfits I wanted to buy.
Now I have no one to laugh at for getting overly dramatic over a basketball game that has no significance on your life whatsoever. But what I wouldn’t give to experience that one more time and laugh at your dramatic reactions, after which I would kiss you and jokingly tell you the only thing you were allowed to be so passionate about was me!
I miss you immensely.
I started getting angry at myself for letting you go. Did I do the right thing? Or did I mess up my life even more by leaving? I really wasn’t sure anymore. There were times I was so desperate to get in touch with you that I had to fight with my common sense on a daily basis. My mind was telling me I did the right thing but my heart was yearning for your closeness! It was unbearable and I felt like I was the only one to blame.
After an excruciating few months of not being able to cope with the loss of my favorite thing in the world, I started telling myself all the reasons why it had to be done. Every time I started to miss you, I ordered myself to think of at least 3 valid reasons why I left. With time, I actually started believing myself and learned to cope a little better.
It was definitely one of the most grueling things I ever had to overcome and even though I am still learning to fully accept it, I am also learning that sometimes you have to listen to your common sense instead of blindly following your heart.
Sure, the love was divine… but when you sense that it no longer can sustain a healthy relationship all by itself, you start realizing that maybe, just maybe, there is something better for you out there.
And then, you do the unthinkable. You break it off… you endure those painfully hard few months ahead and when the feelings are finally less intense, you start seeing the possibility of a fabulous life without him. It finally seems feasible and you are never letting yourself go back to anything that made you that unhappy ever again.