I kept wondering what is it I do wrong that makes him mad all the time.
I was sweating myself not to do something wrong and I was always cautious, thinking twice before I even make a decision to do something because somehow I knew, no matter what I do, it’s not gonna be OK.
We’ve dated for a while and after some time, my friends kept asking if I was alright and I had no idea what gave them the impression that something was wrong.
They asked me why I sleep so much and why am I tired all the time. They were persistent in saying I am not as happy as I was before, although I was positive I was never happier in my life because I had everything. I had my family, a job I really liked, my friends and the best boyfriend in the world.
The best boyfriend in the world—how naive I was to think such a thing.
Recently, I was in one of my classes where we were discussing narcissistic personalities and after the class ended, I rushed out of the classroom like a hurricane.
I had no idea I was dating a narcissistic guy until that moment!
Then, I got to thinking about the past months and replayed that film a few times in my head.
My friends were right—I did feel tired all the time and all I wanted to do was sleep and after some time, even though I loved him, I had no desire to go out with him.
I’d prefer staying at home watching TV over going out and arguing with him. But how is it possible I was living in the delusion that he is the best boyfriend in the world?
I never questioned his actions because he was doing all these things for me and I was there behaving like a brat having my own ideas and trying to do something on my own. He made me believe his efforts were rooftop high even though I’d usually see them as ordinary.
He was subtly but persistently, bragging about his achievements so effectively that I really believed him, although he was exaggerating. They say that the lie said often enough becomes the truth and I’ve seen this for myself.
At the beginning of our relationship, he had these negative emotions all the time. He’d complain over the smallest things and he was often irritated by the most irrelevant things in this world. He would give me this awkward look when I’d disagree with his views or oppose his opinions. The even bigger trouble was when I failed to reach his expectations.
He kept being mad at me for behaving in a certain way and for disobeying his wishes. It’s just I was a bit of a rebel and I never played by his rules. I thought that our different personalities would make a perfect match, but I was proven wrong.
His previous relationships were failures and later on, I learned that narcissistic people have problems in sustaining satisfying relationships. Truth be told, our relationship wasn’t satisfying either. I was just too blind and in love to realize it.
He was always quick to judge, criticize or to blame me for anything. I remember our last fight when I said I hate fighting and arguing over every single issue. He told me I was to blame for everything and if I’d behaved differently, this could have been easily avoided.
His inability to view the world from the perspective of other people is just stunning to me. Everybody is wrong and only he is right. And no matter what the situation was, he’s always right and others are wrong. If he failed the exams, professors were to blame, the assistants were retards and he is misunderstood. How could you be constantly mistreated; is it even possible?
Whenever I tried to explain to him that he can’t blame others for his failure, he’d get upset. I realized later that narcissistic people are just sensitive to criticism and they tend to pretend to be more important than they actually are. That’s how he got the idea I’d stay with him no matter how badly I was treated because he was so important to me.
I just regret not counting how many times he said to me, “I’ve given you so much” often followed by “but you are still ungrateful” or “you keep making me angry” or “you keep ignoring my wishes” and “am I asking too much?”. I wish I knew then what I know now.
I’d never allow him to make such an impact on me. I’d never beat myself down for him. I keep thinking I am the problem because he is the best boyfriend in the world.
“I know you said you’ll go out with me and you have something to do today, but I know you’ll find time for me because I am the best boyfriend in this world (or because you’re the best girlfriend in the world)”—I had no idea back then that he was manipulating me.
Never a failure, always a lesson—the words Rihanna has had tattooed back to front on her collarbone are tattooed somewhere on my soul now.
I learned you can never be good enough for a narcissistic person. No matter how hard you try or what you do, he’ll always see himself as superior and your efforts will forever be minor in comparison to his. It’s just the way they are and you’ll constantly fight a battle with their grandiosity, especially when they don’t receive the attention they considered their birthright.
I attended so many useless classes and I never thought that one could save me from a toxic boyfriend and a toxic relationship.