Don’t you just hate that “What If” state of mind when you feel like you missed out on a great guy?
I had that feeling for a long time, but it had to fade away eventually.
When I meet him, I wasn’t single. I was in a bad long-distance relationship. Bad because I was forcing something to work what wasn’t meant to be. Bad because he wasn’t giving me enough love or affection.
Days would go by without us calling each other or texting. Needless to say, video calls were mission impossible. Then all of a sudden, he would remember I exist. He would start showering me with attention. Or do something romantic.
He would melt my heart. Then I would go back into the same enchanted circle. I would feel miserable, underestimated, and unloved.
Then he came along.
I remember the first time we met. He just kept staring at me. Like I am the prettiest girl alive. And after we talked for 15 minutes, he said, ” I never thought girls like you existed. You are just amazing inside and out!”
First, I blushed. My cheeks were changing to different shades of pink and red. I didn’t expect him to say something like that. He doesn’t know me. He just met me.
This entire situation made me think. A perfect stranger called me amazing and I have a boyfriend who apparently doesn’t share his opinion. He is not even able to send me a text. I would be satisfied with something simple as “How are you?” every day, but no. That wasn’t the case. I would get nothing for days.
He was my friend’s friend. So, he made her drag him to all of our activities just to spend time with me. We became very good friends. We got to know each other more and we liked each other more.
There was some kind of chemistry between us.
But I was keeping my distance. I had a boyfriend I cared about even though it was a crappy relationship. I had made a promise to wait for him and I couldn’t break it. And I was making myself believe it was all in my head.
I started rationalizing: “I imagined affection toward this new guy because I wasn’t feeling fulfilled and happy. He was close—my boyfriend was far away. This is just attraction. These feelings aren’t real. etc.” I just didn’t want to face that I was falling in love with this amazing new guy.
He said he fell in love with me. I said we were just friends.
I was falling in love with him, too.
But for some reason, I wasn’t able to admit it. Not even to myself.
Time passed. My boyfriend returned and we were trying to keep our relationship going. But it was pointless. Him not texting me for days turned into him not wanting to see me for weeks. He was just not that into me.
Apparently, I was not that into him either. I couldn’t stop thinking about that amazing new guy. I called him a friend but he was so much more.
I broke up with my boyfriend.
He found a girlfriend.
I was very sad for a while. I blamed the timing. I blamed my now ex-boyfriend. I blamed myself.
The only person I didn’t blame was him. I realized he couldn’t wait for me to make up my mind.
He was happy I could tell. I was happy for him (not right away but eventually).
I stopped blaming myself. I stopped overthinking things.
I just made peace with the whole situation. Because let’s face it, I had no other choice.
And then one day, it just hit me.
He wasn’t the one. If he was, he would be with me now. I would be with him then.
Because, when you love someone you don’t have to work so hard to make a decision to be with them.
You take risks. You don’t hold on to a bad relationship.
Either you love them or you don’t.
It is that simple.