I am a very skeptical person at heart. I wasn’t always like this but people made me this way. I am always prepared for the worst. I never expect anything good to happen and I doubt everything and everyone.
Even when things are going really well, I always have that small fragment of doubt nagging at me, not allowing me to let go and trust that things really are fine. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I have been toyed with more times than I will admit. I have had my feelings hurt on numerous occasions and guys have broken my heart too many times. I have learned to trust nobody but me and be my own best friend.
I don’t rely on anyone anymore. I know this is such a tough thing to grasp but it’s going to take someone really amazing and special to regain my trust in men and learn to rely on someone other than myself. I cannot allow myself the luxury of putting my trust and my heart into someone else’s hands anymore, because the thought of getting hurt again is too devastating for me than I’d like it to be.
You can tell me you love me all day long. You can shower me with attention and kindness and I’m still not going to be one hundred percent convinced. I know this is a tough thing to cope with and it may seem virtually impossible to love me but all I ask for is time and patience.
Like I said, I wasn’t always like this. I used to be so different. I was easygoing, trusting, carefree and happy. It took a lot of shit to change me but ultimately, here I am. Changed to my core. Please, if you feel like there is a chance, don’t give up on me. I know I say I’ll never be able to trust you but what I really mean is I need you to persevere in proving me wrong.
When I push you away, when I decline your kind words, know that it’s just me being overly protective of myself and my feelings. I really want to give you my all. I really want to put my faith into what we have but I’m going to need you to meet me halfway and not run away when I become difficult.
I really do love you. That is not something you should ever doubt… I just fear that one day you’ll get tired of me. One day you’ll wake up next to me and realize I’m not the one you want to wake up next to for the rest of your life. I won’t be good enough or interesting enough.
This fear of mine is plaguing me and destroying me from the inside out. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be a perpetual skeptic. I want to believe in love again. I want to feel safe again. I want to give my heart again. I’m just not ready right now.
Maybe my past has really done a number on me and twisted my view of love. Maybe I’m wrong to be this way and maybe I should pull my walls down but my paranoia won’t let me.
I have learned that everything around me crumbles… sooner or later. How can I expect it to not happen this time as well?
I just can’t help my mind going to dark places at times and getting the better of me. I can’t chase my paranoia away just like that and I can’t force myself to be someone I’m not.
I will question every text you send me. I will think that every girl who passes us by on the street is prettier than me. I will feel like all you want is to get rid of me and find a girl who is more beautiful, more sure of herself and less fearful than me.
I just don’t understand why you would choose me in the sea of amazing girls out there.
Trusting you is really hard for me, so unless you can hang in there with me and be patient with my paranoia, maybe it’s best for you to leave. I really don’t know anymore.
Hopefully you’ll make this decision knowing how I really feel and if you really love me, you’ll understand. God knows I’m trying to be better for you. I just need some time and faith.
I don’t expect you to stay but if you do, just know I’ll appreciate it more than I’m able to show right now.