You gave me nothing but sorrow in 2019, so why should I bring you with me into 2020?

I want to enter this coming year with only good things. I decided to leave everything that hurt me, made me sad or left me a little broken in this year—2019. I hope now you understand why I don’t want you next to me anymore.

You literally ruined my past year and I know I carry part of the guilt because I gave you too much power over me. Luckily I came to my senses and I know better now than to make the same mistake twice.

This year was an emotional rollercoaster for me. You made it like that. You left and then you wanted to come back. You didn’t care how that made me feel. You didn’t care that it broke me.

I only made things worse for myself by taking you back because I gave you more chances to keep on breaking me. 

You said you wanted to be with me and only me, and then I’d find out that you had plenty of other girls in your life. I guess you wanted to be with me and fifty of them, too. And I didn’t want to be just a number to you.

You made me believe you cared for me. But  I couldn’t count on you when I needed you the most. You were never there. And the worst part of it is that I felt more alone with you than I am now by myself.

You were the reason for every single sleepless night during this past year. You were every tear that rolled down my face. 

You were the reason I hated getting up from my bed in the morning.  I hated the day that had just begun because I knew it will be filled with the thoughts of you.

It seemed like you were doing things intentionally… just to hurt me.

You were selfish as always and you never thought how your words and your deeds would affect me but it seemed like for you it was a bonus if you made me feel miserable about myself.

And on the other side, I did the opposite. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted us to work out. I tried so hard to be good enough for you, but somehow I didn’t manage to satisfy your criteria.

The better I treated you the worse you were to me. 

You had to put me down so you could feel better about yourself and you succeeded in your attempts. I felt worthless. You lowered my self-esteem so much that I wasn’t even a shadow of a woman I used to be. 

I hated this feeling of inadequacy that followed me. I felt like no matter what I did, it was never good enough.

 

Sad woman in dress walking on beach

 

You kept saying how I’m ruining everything for you. You kept saying I should be happy that you give me any time of yours because I didn’t deserve even the time I did get.

In your mind, you were just one of those generous guys who didn’t have a mean bone in their bodies so you decided to stick with me. Well, as if!

You were with me just to have someone. I was good to you. Nobody cared for you as much as I did and that’s why you kept coming back to me. But you didn’t really love me.

Because if you did, you’d care about how I feel. You’d pay attention to the things you did and you’d make sure you don’t do anything to hurt me. But somehow, everything you did was like a dagger straight in my heart.

Even when we were together, I never felt like you were mine It felt like everyone else had you more than I did.

You don’t know how that feels because you were always my priority, but trust me when I tell you, it hurts like hell to know the person you care the most for doesn’t really give a damn about you. It hurts like hell when you are just an option to somebody who is your whole world. 

The truth is I got tired of everything.

I got tired of being sad. I got tired of waiting for someone who isn’t coming. I got tired of wanting you when you wanted everyone else but me. And most of all, I got tired of loving someone who didn’t love me back.

Hence, the decision to cut all my strings with you right here and right now.

I decided to leave ‘us’ and everything we might be in 2019.

I decided to start a new chapter of my life in this year that is yet to come and I hope it will be better than the previous one.

But I can’t get a fresh start or look forward to a happy ending if I let the same people who broke me play main roles in this new chapter.

You did too many bad things to me and I’m sorry, but someone like you doesn’t deserve to follow me into 2020. You don’t deserve to play any role in my new chapter. That’s why I’m leaving you in the past.

I’m ready for new things in life. I’m ready to finally embrace my life and I’m ready to stop giving the best of me to people who don’t deserve me, and you, my dear, never really deserved me.