15 dicas para lidar com a ex-mulher do seu namorado

If you’re dating a divorced man, I really feel for you. Dealing with the ex-wife of your boyfriend is never an easy job.

No entanto, deve ter sempre em mente que o importante é que ela é uma ex e uma ex é uma ex por uma razão.

Ela pertence ao seu passado e tu és o seu presente e, esperemos, o seu futuro.

É claro que seria melhor para todos vós se mantivessem relações amigáveis, especialmente se houver crianças envolvidas.

Co-parenting isn’t always easy, trust me, and you should help both your partner and his ex-spouse with this, if they have kids together.

Tenha sempre em mente e faça coisas que sejam do melhor interesse das crianças.

Your husband’s ex was a part of your new partner’s past and you have to aceitar o facto de que ela fará sempre (infelizmente) parte da vida dele se for a mãe dos seus filhos.

Seria melhor para os dois, mas sobretudo para as crianças, se conseguissem encontrar um ponto em comum e estabelecer relações saudáveis entre os dois.

How to deal with your boyfriend’s ex-wife?

Penso que esta é a pergunta mais frequente feita pelas mulheres que são namorar um homem divorciado com filhos and your husband’s ex can really be unbearable sometimes.

Here’s how to handle her effectively.

Get to know your partner’s ex

Em primeiro lugar, deves conhecê-la.

I don’t mean that you should only shake hands with her and tell her your name, I mean that you should really spend some time with her and conhecê-la.

Isto será mais fácil se ela e o seu companheiro se divorciarem amigavelmente e continuarem amigos depois da separação, porque a relação entre eles também será mais descontraída.

Devias dar-lhe uma oportunidade. Podes ficar surpreendido e até te tornares amigo dela, o que seria muito fixe.

Don’t have any prejudices about her if you haven’t yet even met her.

If she and your new partner didn’t get along well, that doesn’t mean that you won’t.

Talvez ela seja um tipo de pessoa totalmente diferente do que imagina e do que os outros disseram sobre ela.

Talvez esta nova amizade entre vocês os dois a ajude a aprender e a compreender algumas coisas novas sobre o seu namorado e a sua anterior relação.

Convidá-la ou sair com ela para tomar um café

Why not? This may seem a little bit awkward but it really doesn’t have to be. You can hang out with her and get to know her.

Trust me, that’s how the kids will accept and like you faster.

Ask her to hang out more often. Tell her that you want to be a friend to her even if it’s a little bit strange in your circumstances.

Pergunte-lhe sobre a sua vida pessoal e seja honesto quando responder a perguntas sobre a sua vida pessoal.

Pergunte-lhe sobre a sua vida amorosa e se ela também tem um namorado novo ou não.

Maybe right now it seems really awkward to speak to your husband’s ex about these things but you’ll soon see that there is nothing to worry about.

You can also ask her some things you would like to know about your significant other or their children too and don’t be ashamed to talk about your new relationship with her ex-husband, especially if she asks you about it.

Dê-lhe a oportunidade de o conhecer

Deve também dar-lhe a oportunidade de conhecer o seu verdadeiro eu.

She’ll most definitely want to know who the girl is who came after her and who is a possible stepmom to her kids.

Be honest and direct about everything you talk to her about. Don’t pretend or lie just because you want to get her ‘approval’ in some way.

Also, you shouldn’t be a suck-up to her to get her to like you. You don’t need that.

Once she sees how much you make her ex-husband happy and how great you are with kids, she’ll start seeing you in a different way.

Se ela estiver zangada ou amargurada com o seu namorado ou consigo, conhecer o seu verdadeiro eu pode ajudar.

Once she sees that you are a good person and that she doesn’t have anything to worry about, she’ll accept you and try to be friends with you.

Tentar compreender o que ela sente

This is very important. You are a woman, too. Maybe she didn’t want the divorce, maybe she still loves him…

Deve ter tudo isso em conta e tentar compreendê-la.

It’s definitely not so easy for her to watch her ex-marido com o seu novo namorada todos os dias e terá medo que as crianças gostem demasiado de si e comecem a chamar-lhe mãe.

If you’re alone at one point and you start talking, you should ask her about her previous marriage, mental health and well-being in general.

Maybe she doesn’t want to start dating yet because she is afraid of how her kids would react to that.

Seja como for que ela se sinta, o seu trabalho é tentar compreendê-la e tornar as coisas mais fáceis para ela e para as crianças, na medida do possível.

Lembre-se sempre que ela também tem a sua versão da história do divórcio

There are two sides to every story and it’s like that in this one.

You’ve heard your partner’s side and it’s only fair for you to listen to his ex’s side of the story.

It’s up to you who you are going to believe.

Even though you’ll probably choose to believe in your partner’s side of the story, it still doesn’t have to be a reason not to have a good relationship with his ex-spouse.

If it’s possible, become friends with her

As I’ve already said, it’s very important to establish a healthy relationship with your partner’s ex.

Convide-a para sair e passeie com ela de vez em quando.

Show her that you don’t see her as the enemy and that neither should she see you that way.

Partilhe algumas histórias privadas do seu passado e ouça com atenção quando ela fala da sua própria vida.

It’s important for both of you to build trust between you two.

Ask her about their children’s lives and ask her what they like doing.

If you have noticed that something is bothering them, it’s totally okay to talk to her about it.

Talk about your jobs, interests and any bad things you’ve encountered in your lives and follow her on social media.

Também pode perguntar-lhe coisas sobre o seu parceiro (porque provavelmente é ela que o conhece melhor).

If you’re planning a surprise for him, maybe a birthday party or something, she can be very helpful for that.

Pergunte-lhe quais foram as razões que a levaram a divorciar-se e até que ponto isso afectou a sua vida.

Mostre-lhe que a sua única intenção é estabelecer uma relação boa e saudável com ela.

But also understand that you’ll never become besties and that’s okay

Sometimes, no matter how much you try to establish a friendly relationship with your partner’s ex-spouse, it just isn’t possible.

She may still have some unresolved issues with him or simply doesn’t want to become friends with you, even if you do nothing wrong to her.

For some reason, most ex-wives think that the new girl is the reason why they lost their ex-husband forever and they are afraid that she might ‘take’ their kids, too.

Even if you establish a good relationship with your partner’s ex, you shouldn’t think that she is your true friend and that you can tell her everything.

Ninguém diz que tens de te tornar amigo dela. Na verdade, seria demasiado estranho e um pouco esquisito.

Nunca se deve confiar nela 100%

Por muito boa ou amigável que seja a vossa relação, nunca se deve confiar totalmente nela, porque nunca se sabe se as suas intenções são realmente tão honestas como ela diz.

You have to be careful with it because sometimes ex-wives pretend that they are friends with their ex-partner’s girl just because they want to get to know bad things about her and separate the two of them.

Don’t complain to her about your partner because I’m sure she’ll be eager to tell him that.

Also, don’t think you can gossip with her about him or his family because she’ll tell him about it.

Don’t allow her to speak badly about your boyfriend

Mesmo que lhe peça para contar a versão dela da história do divórcio, nunca deve permitir que ela insulte ou fale mal do seu namorado.

Deves defendê-lo, aconteça o que acontecer.

Even if you think that he has done a bad thing to her and that she has the right to insult him, you shouldn’t say that in front of her.

Se notar que ela fala mal dele à frente das crianças, deve interrompê-la imediatamente e contar ao seu parceiro.

She’ll probably want to make the kids choose a side and that’s how she thinks she’ll make them choose hers.

Se ouvir dizer que ela fala mal do seu parceiro ou se se aperceber disso, deve interrompê-la imediatamente.

Also, don’t speak badly about her in front of your significant other

Even if she treats you badly or doesn’t want to have any communication with you, you shouldn’t gossip about her in front of your boyfriend.

The most important thing is that the kids are pleased and content and that they have both parents, even if they’re divorced.

Tudo o resto se há-de encaixar um dia.

And if it doesn’t, that’s not important. You’ll learn to live with the annoying ex-wife of your man.

O mais importante é que estejam juntos, que se amem e que se respeitem.

There is no reason for you to be jealous of her, so remember that she belongs in the past…

… and you are now. You are a part of his life now and you’ll be a part of his future; that’s all that matters.

You don’t have any reasons to be jealous of her. If he thought that she was better than you in any way, he would still be with her, not you.

Let go of all of those negative feelings and focus on what’s really important.

Que a inveja e jealousy won’t do you só pode perturbar a bela relação romântica entre si e o seu parceiro.

Nunca envolver os filhos nos vossos problemas ou discussões

Provavelmente, tudo o que diz respeito aos filhos já foi acordado no processo de divórcio.

O seu companheiro e a ex dele têm provavelmente um acordo de custódia e o seu companheiro está provavelmente a pagar uma pensão de alimentos à ex.

Deviam sentar-se com os filhos deles e explicar-lhes a vossa situação atual.

O seu parceiro deve apresentá-la como a sua nova namorada, a madrasta, e pedir-lhe que tentem dar-se bem e aceitar-se mutuamente.

Okay, so they aren’t your own kids but they are now your stepchildren and if you truly love your partner, that would be the same for you; you’ll see them as your own.

If you don’t have a good relationship with your partner’s ex-wife and if you fight a lot, you have to leave the kids out of it because it leaves huge consequences on their mental health.

Além disso, nunca, mas mesmo NUNCA, aproveite a oportunidade para falar mal dela quando estiver sozinho com os miúdos.

Independentemente do que ela lhe tenha feito ou ainda lhe faça, nunca deve tentar vingar-se. Seja sempre a pessoa mais importante!

Discutir com o teu namorado por causa dela está fora de questão

Constant phone calls then hang-ups every time you answer your partner’s phone, texting, inviting him over to let him have the kids… these are all some signs of how she wants to make you jealous and get a bad reaction from you.

She’ll probably try to separate you but you should show her how strong your love is.

You also have to understand your partner so know that he can’t be a referee between you two.

If she told you her side of the story and made him look bad, you shouldn’t immediately believe her and confront your boyfriend with your new findings.

Dêem-lhe uma oportunidade de se defender.

Things could get even worse between you and your boyfriend’s ex-wife if he asks you to marry him.

Becoming his fiancée may make her even angrier or more obsessed with you.

Don’t let the relationship between you two affect the relationship with your boyfriend

Ela pode tentar controlar o ex-marido e tem uma arma poderosa para o fazer: os filhos, claro.

If she gets them to choose her side (even though it’s so wrong to ask children to pick sides), your partner will suffer for sure and she’ll be in a position to make ultimatums with him.

It would be better for all of you if you could get along well but you don’t have to try to be friends with her at all costs.

Seja qual for a sua relação, nunca deve permitir que ela afecte a relação entre si e o seu namorado.

Tente ser justo com ela. Tente ser compreensivo com ela e com o seu parceiro também.

But don’t allow anyone to insult you or speak badly about you.

Estabelecer alguns limites saudáveis

Estabelecer limites é crucial para qualquer relação saudável.

Deve estabelecer alguns limites saudáveis na relação com o seu parceiro e também com o ex-cônjuge dele.

Don’t let her cross the line or your limits. If you aren’t okay with something she says or does, you have to tell her that.

Se vir que ela quer estar demasiado perto do seu homem, diga-lhe para se afastar.

Tell her that even though you asked her to be friends with you that this is something you won’t tolerate.

Sei que é muito difícil lidar com a ex-mulher do seu namorado e que isso a deixa muito desconfortável, mas tudo o que tem a fazer é encontrar uma forma de fazer com que essa relação funcione.

Não importa o quão difícil se torne, não deve sequer pensar em acabar com o seu parceiro por causa da ex.

É possível tornar a vida familiar mais feliz mesmo nestas circunstâncias, mas só se todas as partes quiserem cooperar para que isso aconteça.

Think about the kids and their best interests and everything will be, well, not perfect, but it will be the way that’s best for all of you.

Hang in there, she’ll understand soon that the best thing for everyone would be to get along. Peace and love, that’s all I want for you.