Relationships with adult children can be a tightrope walk. As parents, we often mean well, but certain comments can unintentionally stir tensions or bruise feelings.
It’s not just about what we say, but how and when we say it. Here are 40 things that are better left unsaid to keep the peace and foster understanding in your relationship.
1. “When are you giving me grandkids?”
Oh, the grandparent itch! While it’s natural to dream about bouncing a little one on your knee, putting the pressure on your kids can be a recipe for awkwardness. They might be dealing with infertility, financial burdens, or maybe just enjoying their current life stage.
Pushing for grandkids can make them feel their life choices aren’t enough. Instead, celebrate their achievements and cherish your time together. Let them know you’re there to support their journey, whatever that may be.
2. “I never liked your partner.”
Yikes! Voicing your dislike for their partner can drive a wedge between you and your child. It’s like putting them in a position to choose between you and their love, and nobody wants to be in that spot. Relationships are personal, and your child needs to feel trusted in their choices.
If there are genuine concerns, approach them delicately and at an appropriate time, encouraging open dialogue rather than judgment.
3. “You look tired.”
Ah, the classic “you look tired” comment. While you might be concerned, it can sound more like a critique of their appearance. Adulting is hard! Between work, life, and everything in between, yes, they might be tired.
Instead, ask how they’re doing or if there’s anything they want to chat about. Show genuine concern without focusing on their looks. It’s a small shift, but it can mean the world.
4. “Back in my day, we did things differently.”
Every generation has its way, and comparing eras can feel dismissive. Your child’s navigating a different world, with unique challenges and opportunities. Instead of holding your time as the golden standard, show curiosity about their world.
Ask questions, listen, and learn. Sharing stories is beautiful, but remember, it’s about connecting, not comparing.
5. “Why don’t you call more often?”
Life is a whirlwind, and adult kids juggle more than we sometimes realize. While you’d love to chat more, making them feel guilty about it isn’t the answer. Instead, cherish the moments you do connect.
Maybe set up a regular time to catch-up that works for both. Keeping the door open without the guilt trip fosters a warmer connection.
6. “You should buy a house.”
The dream of homeownership isn’t universal anymore. Economic realities have shifted, and buying a house isn’t always feasible or desirable for everyone. Pushing this idea can feel like you’re placing your values above their circumstances.
Instead, support their financial goals, whatever they may be. Celebrate their financial independence, whether they’re renting, buying, or something else entirely.
7. “I know what’s best for you.”
Oh, the age-old “I know what’s best for you” line. While your intentions might be golden, your adult child is trying to carve out their path. This phrase can make them feel undermined or infantilized.
Instead, offer guidance when asked and trust their judgment. It’s about nurturing their independence, not taking it away.
8. “You’re too sensitive.”
Ouch! Telling someone they’re too sensitive can invalidate their feelings. Everyone experiences life differently, and what might seem small to you could be big for them.
Instead, try to understand their perspective. Ask questions and listen actively. It’s about empathy, not judgment. Open conversations can bring you closer.
9. “You should settle down.”
The “settle down” nudge can feel like a push towards conformity. Everyone’s timeline is different, and what’s right for one person isn’t for another. Instead of projecting your expectations, celebrate their journey.
Encourage their exploration, and support their unique path. Life’s not a race, and everyone blooms in their own time.
10. “I sacrificed so much for you.”
Oh dear, the guilt trip express! While it’s true parents make sacrifices, using it as leverage can strain the relationship. Your child is grateful but wants to feel like they’re enough just as they are.
Instead, focus on the joy those sacrifices brought. Celebrate the shared journey, and let gratitude flow both ways.
11. “Why are you still single?”
Love is a complex, unpredictable adventure. Asking why they’re still single can feel like an unnecessary spotlight on a sensitive area.
Instead, celebrate their independence and the time they have to find the right person. Encourage them to enjoy their journey and remind them that love’s timing is unique for everyone.
12. “That’s what you’re wearing?”
Fashion is personal, and critiquing their wardrobe can feel like a critique of their identity. Instead, embrace their style choices and the confidence that comes with them.
If you’re concerned about appropriateness for an event, phrase it as a gentle suggestion rather than a judgment. It’s about support, not scrutiny.
13. “You’re going to eat all that?”
Food is personal, and commenting on someone’s plate can open a Pandora’s box of insecurities. Instead of focusing on their intake, engage in a conversation about their favorite meals or cuisines.
Encourage a healthy relationship with food that’s about enjoyment and nourishment without the side of shame.
14. “When I was your age…”
Comparisons can unintentionally undermine the unique experiences and struggles your child faces today.
Instead of starting with “When I was your age,” try sharing a story from your past that relates to their situation without making it a comparison. It shows empathy without overshadowing their journey.
15. “You’re not living up to your potential.”
This comment, though often well-intentioned, can feel like a punch to the gut. It suggests they’re failing when they might be trying their best.
Instead, acknowledge their efforts and ask how you can support their goals. Encouragement is a far better motivator than criticism.
16. “I wish you’d visit more.”
Ah, the desire for more family time! While it’s heartwarming, phrasing it this way can feel like a guilt trip.
Instead, express how much you enjoy the time spent together and ask when they might like to plan the next visit. It’s an invitation rather than an obligation.
17. “You’re just like your father/mother.”
Comparisons to family members can be tricky territory, especially if there’s a bit of family drama. Instead of using it as a critique, if you see traits you admire, share those positively.
Highlight the good you see and celebrate the unique blend of qualities they possess.
18. “You need to get a real job.”
In today’s world, “real jobs” come in all shapes and sizes. What might not look like a traditional career path to you could be their passion project or a lucrative opportunity. Instead of dismissing their choices, ask about their work and what excites them.
Celebrate their career journey, however unconventional it may be.
19. “Why don’t you have kids yet?”
The grandkid question can put unnecessary pressure and focus on your child’s personal life choices. They might have their reasons for waiting or choosing not to have children. Instead, focus on enjoying your time with them and supporting their life decisions.
It’s about being present in the moment, not future expectations.
20. “Are you sure about this decision?”
Doubt can be contagious. When you question their decisions, it can make them second-guess themselves. Instead of sowing seeds of doubt, offer support and encouragement.
Trust their ability to make decisions and let them know you’re there for guidance if they seek it.
21. “I was your age once.”
While it’s true you’ve been their age, life’s context has drastically changed. Instead of implying a direct comparison, share experiences that relate to their current challenges without overshadowing their journey.
Show empathy and understanding of the different pressures they face today.
22. “You’re doing it wrong.”
Telling someone they’re doing it wrong can feel like a hit on their competence. Instead, ask if they’d like help or suggestions.
Offering guidance in a supportive way promotes learning and growth without feeling diminished.
23. “Why did you choose that career?”
Career choices are deeply personal, and questioning them can feel like questioning their identity. Instead, express curiosity about what drew them to their field.
Celebrate their passions and the path they’ve chosen. Support is the best encouragement.
24. “When are you getting married?”
Marriage is a big step, and not everyone’s rushing to the altar. This question can feel like a spotlight on their love life. Instead, focus on their happiness and the journey they’re on.
Encourage them to follow their heart, wherever it may lead.
25. “Why don’t you get a haircut?”
Hair is a form of expression, and suggesting a change can feel like a critique. Instead, compliment their style and embrace the uniqueness they present. If you think a trim might be due before a formal event, suggest it as a gentle nudge rather than a demand.
26. “That’s a waste of time.”
Everyone needs a hobby, and what might look like a waste to you could be their cherished pastime. Instead of dismissing it, ask what they love about it.
Show interest and support their interests, even if you don’t fully get it. It’s about bonding over differences.
27. “You need to lose weight.”
Body comments are a minefield. Suggesting weight loss can damage their self-esteem and strain your relationship. Instead, focus on overall health and happiness.
Encourage healthy habits through shared activities like walks or cooking together without making it about looks.
28. “That’s not how we raised you.”
This statement can feel like a judgment on their character. Everyone grows and evolves, sometimes diverging from parental expectations. Instead, celebrate the person they’ve become and recognize their ability to make their own choices. It’s about acceptance and love.
29. “You always…”
Starting sentences with “you always” paints them into a corner, making them feel eternally flawed. Instead, focus on specific behaviors without generalizing.
Use “I” statements to express feelings without casting blame. It’s about constructive dialogue, not accusations.
30. “You never…”
Just like “you always,” “you never” statements can feel like an attack on their character. Instead, discuss specific instances and express how certain actions make you feel.
It’s about open communication that fosters understanding rather than alienation.
31. “You should have done it this way.”
Critiquing their methods can come off as patronizing. Instead, ask if they’d like your help or suggestions. Dialogue should be about sharing wisdom, not dictating it.
Encourage problem-solving together rather than a top-down approach.
32. “That’s not a real major.”
Education is a personal journey, and each major has its own merit. Dismissing it can feel like dismissing their dreams. Instead, show interest in what they’re learning and how they plan to use it.
Celebrate their academic journey and the passion that fuels it.
33. “Why aren’t you more like your sibling?”
Sibling comparisons can breed resentment and insecurity. Instead, focus on their unique strengths and celebrate the individual they are. Recognize their achievements without comparison.
It’s about fostering individuality, not rivalry.
34. “You’re making a big mistake.”
This comment can feel like a lack of faith in their judgment. Instead of outright saying it, express your concerns and ask if they want your perspective.
Encourage thoughtful decision-making while respecting their autonomy. It’s about guidance, not control.
35. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
Doubt can be a relationship killer. Expressing skepticism can undermine their confidence. Instead, offer support and remind them that you believe in their abilities.
Encourage open communication and be a pillar they can lean on if needed.
36. “You should do it my way.”
Insisting on your way can feel like you’re dismissing their capability. Instead, suggest your way as an option and ask if they’d like to hear it.
Encourage creativity and problem-solving without stifling their initiative. It’s about sharing, not demanding.
37. “I don’t approve of your lifestyle.”
Lifestyle choices are deeply personal, and disapproval can create a rift. Instead, focus on their happiness and well-being.
Express love and support for who they are, without judgment. It’s about acceptance, not approval.
38. “That’s not how I would do it.”
Different doesn’t mean wrong. Highlighting that you’d do something differently can undermine their confidence.
Instead, share your experiences if asked for advice and respect their choices. It’s about mutual respect and learning from each other.
39. “You need to grow up.”
Maturity is a spectrum, and suggesting they aren’t grown can be condescending. Instead, recognize their achievements and independence.
Encourage growth through support and shared experiences. It’s about celebrating milestones, not rushing them.
40. “I’m disappointed in you.”
This heavy phrase can linger longer than intended. Instead, express your feelings about specific actions without making it about their worth.
Encourage improvement while affirming your unconditional love and support. It’s about nurturing growth, not casting shadows.