42 coisas que nunca deves dizer aos teus filhos adultos
As relações com os filhos adultos podem ser difíceis de ultrapassar. Como pais, muitas vezes temos boas intenções, mas certos comentários podem, sem querer, provocar tensões ou ferir sentimentos.
It’s not just about what we say, but how and when we say it. Here are 42 things that are better left unsaid to keep the peace and foster understanding in your relationship.
1. “When are you giving me grandkids?”
Oh, the grandparent itch! While it’s natural to dream about bouncing a little one on your knee, putting the pressure on your kids can be a recipe for awkwardness. They might be dealing with infertility, financial burdens, or maybe just enjoying their current life stage.
Pushing for grandkids can make them feel their life choices aren’t enough. Instead, celebrate their achievements and cherish your time together. Let them know you’re there to support their journey, whatever that may be.
2. “I never liked your partner.”
Yikes! Voicing your dislike for their partner can drive a wedge between you and your child. It’s like putting them in a position to choose between you and their love, and nobody wants to be in that spot. Relationships are personal, and your child needs to feel trusted in their choices.
Se houver preocupações genuínas, aborde-as com delicadeza e numa altura apropriada, encorajando o diálogo aberto e não o julgamento.
3. “You look tired.”
Ah, the classic “you look tired” comment. While you might be concerned, it can sound more like a critique of their appearance. Adulting is hard! Between work, life, and everything in between, yes, they might be tired.
Instead, ask how they’re doing or if there’s anything they want to chat about. Show genuine concern without focusing on their looks. It’s a small shift, but it can mean the world.
4. “Back in my day, we did things differently.”
Every generation has its way, and comparing eras can feel dismissive. Your child’s navigating a different world, with unique challenges and opportunities. Instead of holding your time as the golden standard, show curiosity about their world.
Ask questions, listen, and learn. Sharing stories is beautiful, but remember, it’s about connecting, not comparing.
5. “Why don’t you call more often?”
Life is a whirlwind, and adult kids juggle more than we sometimes realize. While you’d love to chat more, making them feel guilty about it isn’t the answer. Instead, cherish the moments you do connect.
Talvez seja possível definir uma hora regular para pôr a conversa em dia que funcione para ambos. Manter a porta aberta, sem a culpa, promove uma ligação mais calorosa.
6. “You should buy a house.”
The dream of homeownership isn’t universal anymore. Economic realities have shifted, and buying a house isn’t always feasible or desirable for everyone. Pushing this idea can feel like you’re placing your values above their circumstances.
Instead, support their financial goals, whatever they may be. Celebrate their financial independence, whether they’re renting, buying, or something else entirely.
7. “I know what’s best for you.”
Oh, the age-old “I know what’s best for you” line. While your intentions might be golden, your adult child is trying to carve out their path. This phrase can make them feel undermined or infantilized.
Instead, offer guidance when asked and trust their judgment. It’s about nurturing their independence, not taking it away.
8. “You’re too sensitive.”
Ouch! Telling someone they’re too sensitive can invalidate their feelings. Everyone experiences life differently, and what might seem small to you could be big for them.
Instead, try to understand their perspective. Ask questions and listen actively. It’s about empathy, not judgment. Open conversations can bring you closer.
9. “You should settle down.”
The “settle down” nudge can feel like a push towards conformity. Everyone’s timeline is different, and what’s right for one person isn’t for another. Instead of projecting your expectations, celebrate their journey.
Encourage their exploration, and support their unique path. Life’s not a race, and everyone blooms in their own time.
10. “I sacrificed so much for you.”
Oh dear, the guilt trip express! While it’s true parents make sacrifices, using it as leverage can strain the relationship. Your child is grateful but wants to feel like they’re enough just as they are.
Em vez disso, concentre-se na alegria que esses sacrifícios trouxeram. Celebrem a viagem partilhada e deixem que a gratidão flua para ambos os lados.
11. “Why are you still single?”
Love is a complex, unpredictable adventure. Asking why they’re still single can feel like an unnecessary spotlight on a sensitive area.
Instead, celebrate their independence and the time they have to find the right person. Encourage them to enjoy their journey and remind them that love’s timing is unique for everyone.
12. “That’s what you’re wearing?”
A moda é pessoal e criticar o seu guarda-roupa pode parecer uma crítica à sua identidade. Em vez disso, abrace as suas escolhas de estilo e a confiança que lhes está associada.
If you’re concerned about appropriateness for an event, phrase it as a gentle suggestion rather than a judgment. It’s about support, not scrutiny.
13. “You’re going to eat all that?”
Food is personal, and commenting on someone’s plate can open a Pandora’s box of insecurities. Instead of focusing on their intake, engage in a conversation about their favorite meals or cuisines.
Encourage a healthy relationship with food that’s about enjoyment and nourishment without the side of shame.
14. “When I was your age…”
As comparações podem minar involuntariamente as experiências únicas e as dificuldades que o seu filho enfrenta atualmente.
Instead of starting with “When I was your age,” try sharing a story from your past that relates to their situation without making it a comparison. It shows empathy without overshadowing their journey.
15. “You’re not living up to your potential.”
This comment, though often well-intentioned, can feel like a punch to the gut. It suggests they’re failing when they might be trying their best.
Em vez disso, reconheça os seus esforços e pergunte como pode apoiar os seus objectivos. O encorajamento é um motivador muito melhor do que a crítica.
16. “I wish you’d visit more.”
Ah, the desire for more family time! While it’s heartwarming, phrasing it this way can feel like a guilt trip.
Instead, express how much you enjoy the time spent together and ask when they might like to plan the next visit. It’s an invitation rather than an obligation.
17. “You’re just like your father/mother.”
Comparisons to family members can be tricky territory, especially if there’s a bit of family drama. Instead of using it as a critique, if you see traits you admire, share those positively.
Realce os aspectos positivos que vê e celebre a mistura única de qualidades que possuem.
18. “You need to get a real job.”
In today’s world, “real jobs” come in all shapes and sizes. What might not look like a traditional career path to you could be their passion project or a lucrative opportunity. Instead of dismissing their choices, ask about their work and what excites them.
Celebrem o seu percurso profissional, por muito pouco convencional que seja.
19. “Why don’t you have kids yet?”
The grandkid question can put unnecessary pressure and focus on your child’s personal life choices. They might have their reasons for waiting or choosing not to have children. Instead, focus on enjoying your time with them and supporting their life decisions.
It’s about being present in the moment, not future expectations.
20. “Are you sure about this decision?”
A dúvida pode ser contagiosa. Quando questiona as suas decisões, pode levá-los a duvidar de si próprios. Em vez de semear a dúvida, ofereça apoio e encorajamento.
Trust their ability to make decisions and let them know you’re there for guidance if they seek it.
21. “I was your age once.”
While it’s true you’ve been their age, life’s context has drastically changed. Instead of implying a direct comparison, share experiences that relate to their current challenges without overshadowing their journey.
Mostrar empatia e compreensão das diferentes pressões que enfrentam atualmente.
22. “You’re doing it wrong.”
Telling someone they’re doing it wrong can feel like a hit on their competence. Instead, ask if they’d like help or suggestions.
Oferecer orientação de forma solidária promove a aprendizagem e o crescimento sem se sentir diminuído.
23. “Why did you choose that career?”
As escolhas de carreira são profundamente pessoais e questioná-las pode parecer um questionamento da sua identidade. Em vez disso, manifeste curiosidade sobre o que os atraiu para a sua área.
Celebrate their passions and the path they’ve chosen. Support is the best encouragement.
24. “When are you getting married?”
Marriage is a big step, and not everyone’s rushing to the altar. This question can feel like a spotlight on their love life. Instead, focus on their happiness and the journey they’re on.
Encoraje-os a seguir o seu coração, onde quer que ele os leve.
25. “Why don’t you get a haircut?”
O cabelo é uma forma de expressão e sugerir uma mudança pode parecer uma crítica. Em vez disso, elogie o estilo da pessoa e aceite a singularidade que ela apresenta. Se achar que é necessário aparar o cabelo antes de um evento formal, sugira-o como um toque suave e não como uma exigência.
26. “That’s a waste of time.”
Toda a gente precisa de um passatempo, e o que pode parecer um desperdício para si pode ser o passatempo preferido da pessoa. Em vez de o ignorar, pergunte-lhe o que gosta nele.
Show interest and support their interests, even if you don’t fully get it. It’s about bonding over differences.
27. “You need to lose weight.”
Os comentários sobre o corpo são um campo minado. Sugerir a perda de peso pode prejudicar a autoestima da pessoa e afetar a vossa relação. Em vez disso, concentre-se na saúde geral e na felicidade.
Incentive hábitos saudáveis através de actividades partilhadas, como caminhadas ou cozinhar em conjunto, sem fazer disso uma questão de aparência.
28. “That’s not how we raised you.”
This statement can feel like a judgment on their character. Everyone grows and evolves, sometimes diverging from parental expectations. Instead, celebrate the person they’ve become and recognize their ability to make their own choices. It’s about acceptance and love.
29. “You always…”
Starting sentences with “you always” paints them into a corner, making them feel eternally flawed. Instead, focus on specific behaviors without generalizing.
Use “I” statements to express feelings without casting blame. It’s about constructive dialogue, not accusations.
30. “You never…”
Just like “you always,” “you never” statements can feel like an attack on their character. Instead, discuss specific instances and express how certain actions make you feel.
It’s about open communication that fosters understanding rather than alienation.
31. “You should have done it this way.”
Critiquing their methods can come off as patronizing. Instead, ask if they’d like your help or suggestions. Dialogue should be about sharing wisdom, not dictating it.
Incentivar a resolução conjunta de problemas em vez de uma abordagem do topo para a base.
32. “That’s not a real major.”
Education is a personal journey, and each major has its own merit. Dismissing it can feel like dismissing their dreams. Instead, show interest in what they’re learning and how they plan to use it.
Celebrem o seu percurso académico e a paixão que o alimenta.
33. “Why aren’t you more like your sibling?”
As comparações entre irmãos podem gerar ressentimentos e insegurança. Em vez disso, concentre-se nos seus pontos fortes únicos e celebre a pessoa que eles são. Reconheça os seus feitos sem comparações.
It’s about fostering individuality, not rivalry.
34. “You’re making a big mistake.”
Este comentário pode parecer uma falta de fé no seu julgamento. Em vez de o dizer abertamente, exprima as suas preocupações e pergunte se querem saber a sua perspetiva.
Encourage thoughtful decision-making while respecting their autonomy. It’s about guidance, not control.
35. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
A dúvida pode ser um assassino de relações. Expressar ceticismo pode minar a sua confiança. Em vez disso, ofereça apoio e lembre-o de que acredita nas suas capacidades.
Encoraje uma comunicação aberta e seja um pilar em que se possam apoiar se necessário.
36. “You should do it my way.”
Insisting on your way can feel like you’re dismissing their capability. Instead, suggest your way as an option and ask if they’d like to hear it.
Encourage creativity and problem-solving without stifling their initiative. It’s about sharing, not demanding.
37. “I don’t approve of your lifestyle.”
As escolhas de estilo de vida são profundamente pessoais e a desaprovação pode criar uma fratura. Em vez disso, concentre-se na sua felicidade e bem-estar.
Express love and support for who they are, without judgment. It’s about acceptance, not approval.
38. “That’s not how I would do it.”
Different doesn’t mean wrong. Highlighting that you’d do something differently can undermine their confidence.
Instead, share your experiences if asked for advice and respect their choices. It’s about mutual respect and learning from each other.
39. “You need to grow up.”
Maturity is a spectrum, and suggesting they aren’t grown can be condescending. Instead, recognize their achievements and independence.
Encourage growth through support and shared experiences. It’s about celebrating milestones, not rushing them.
40. “I’m disappointed in you.”
Esta frase pesada pode prolongar-se mais do que o pretendido. Em vez disso, exprima os seus sentimentos em relação a acções específicas sem falar do seu valor.
Encourage improvement while affirming your unconditional love and support. It’s about nurturing growth, not casting shadows.
41. “You’re too busy for your family.”
Insinuar que o seu filho está a negligenciar a família pode provocar culpa e tensão. A vida adulta é muitas vezes um ato de equilíbrio entre trabalho, relações e prioridades pessoais.
Instead, express how much you value your time together and suggest specific ways to connect when their schedule allows. It’s about fostering connection without guilt.
42. “You don’t call me enough.”
A comunicação frequente é maravilhosa, mas o facto de a enquadrar como uma queixa pode afastá-los. A vida é agitada e o seu filho pode já estar a sentir-se sobrecarregado.
Em vez disso, diga-lhes o quanto aprecia as suas chamadas e convide-os a estabelecer uma rotina que funcione para ambos. A ligação tem a ver com qualidade e não com quantidade.
