As parents, it’s natural to want to stay involved in your children’s lives, even as they grow into adults. However, sometimes the best intentions can lead to actions that your adult kids might find intrusive or overwhelming.
They might be too polite to say it, but there are certain things they wish you’d stop doing. This list explores 16 common habits that, while well-meaning, may be overstepping their boundaries. Remember, it’s all about finding that balance between love and respect for their independence.
1. Offering unsolicited advice on every little thing
It’s tempting to share your years of wisdom with your children, but unsolicited advice can feel overwhelming. Imagine your adult child juggling work and personal life, only to receive advice on things they didn’t ask about. It can make them feel like they’re not trusted to make their own decisions. A gentle reminder: sometimes, the best support is simply listening.
2. Asking about grandkids every time you call
The joy of grandchildren is unmatched, but constantly asking when they’re coming can feel like pressure. Your kids might not be ready or might have different plans. Every call turning into a conversation about grandkids can make them feel like their other achievements and aspects of life are ignored. Celebrate their current milestones without adding the expectation of family expansion.
3. Comparing them to siblings or cousins
Comparisons can be demoralizing, even when they’re meant as motivation. If your child hears how well their sibling or cousin is doing in a certain area, it might feel like their own efforts are being dismissed. Each person’s journey is unique, and valuing their individuality can be more encouraging than comparisons.
4. Repeating old stories like they still need teaching moments
Sharing family stories is a cherished tradition, but when these stories come with a lesson, it can feel patronizing. Adult children might appreciate hearing about the past, but not if it is used as a constant reminder of what they should learn from it. Let them enjoy the nostalgia without hidden agendas.
5. Guilt-tripping them for having boundaries
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, but guilt-tripping can undermine them. If every “no” or “not now” is met with sadness or disappointment, your child may feel manipulated. Respecting their boundaries reinforces trust and shows that you value their autonomy. Encourage open conversations about needs and limits.
6. Giving surprise visits with no heads-up
Dropping by unannounced might seem like a delightful surprise, but it can be intrusive. Your child might have plans or simply need space, and unexpected visits can disrupt their routine. A quick call or text before visiting can show respect for their time and privacy, making your visits more welcome and enjoyable.
7. Sending articles or quotes to “fix” them
While sharing interesting reads can be a bonding experience, sending unsolicited articles or quotes meant to “fix” their life choices can feel judgmental. Your child might interpret it as a sign that you don’t approve of their lifestyle or decisions. Share insights when asked, and otherwise, let them carve their own path.
8. Commenting on how they spend their money
Financial advice is important, but unasked-for commentary on spending habits can feel intrusive. Your child may feel judged or like they need to justify their choices. Trusting them to manage their finances is a sign of respect for their independence. Offer advice when it’s requested, otherwise, allow them the freedom to learn and grow.
9. Criticizing their parenting in subtle ways
Parenting is deeply personal, and unsolicited critiques, even subtle ones, can be hurtful. Your child is likely doing their best, and underlining their perceived faults can erode self-confidence. Support their parenting journey with understanding and encouragement, and offer advice only when they ask for it.
10. Trying to relive your life through theirs
It’s natural to want to share experiences, but living vicariously through your child can pressure them. They need the freedom to carve their own path, not relive yours. Celebrate their unique journey and achievements, rather than imposing your past dreams onto their future.
11. Playing the victim when they need space
When your child asks for space, responding with hurt feelings can make them feel guilty. It’s important to acknowledge their need for independence without taking it personally. By respecting their space, you show that you trust them to balance their responsibilities and relationships.
12. Asking personal questions in front of others
Asking personal questions publicly can put your child in an awkward spot. They might not be ready to share certain aspects of their life, especially in a group setting. Respecting their privacy allows for more genuine and open conversations when they’re ready.
13. Undermining their partner (even if it’s unintentional)
Partners are integral to your child’s happiness, and accidental undermining can strain relationships. Even well-meaning comments can be interpreted as disapproval. Support your child’s choice and foster a positive relationship with their partner to create a harmonious family dynamic.
14. Acting hurt when plans don’t include you
Not every plan will include family, and that’s okay. Acting hurt or disappointed can add stress rather than strengthen bonds. Encourage your child to enjoy their social circle independently, and celebrate the times you do spend together.
15. Assuming your values are still theirs
Values evolve, and assuming your child shares all of yours can stifle their growth. Encourage open discussions to understand their perspective and appreciate their individuality. By accepting differences, you foster a more connected and respectful relationship.
16. Turning casual chats into therapy sessions
Every conversation doesn’t need to delve into the deep end. Turning casual chats into therapy sessions can feel overwhelming to your adult children. Let them enjoy light-hearted interactions without the pressure of unpacking emotions constantly. Balance is key to maintaining open lines of communication.