*Aviso: trabalhar estas competências pode ter efeitos secundários não intencionais, tais como, mas não limitados a, concordar com o seu parceiro quando tinha a certeza de que tinha razão, melhorar a sua empatia e um rápido aumento da intimidade sexual e emocional

Como é que se sente quando alguém rejeita os seus pensamentos ou ideias sem os ouvir realmente? Sente-se inclinado, nessa altura, a ouvir as deles? Uma das coisas mais difíceis de fazer em qualquer relação is to actually listen to your partner. Do you ever find yourself waiting for them to stop talking so that you can say your piece? How does that work for you? When it’s your turn to say words… how are they being received? Uma das formas mais eficazes de mostrar ao seu parceiro que o valoriza e respeita é validar os seus sentimentos. Does that mean that you have to agree with everything they say? Definitely not! BUT… it may go a long way toward getting your way if you take the time to really hear your partner’s perspective.

How can you do that? It’s easy to say, “I’m listening.” But listening is hard. Trust me, I’m a talker and I have had to learn how to stop waiting for my turn to talk. So hear me out for a minute, and if you practice what I preach, também pode aprender a calar-se e a ouvir. (In real talk, I don’t always practice what I preach, so if you find me not listening and/or not validating you… say so!) What is the difference between listening and waiting for your turn to talk? Ouvir implica tentar ativamente ouvir o que outra pessoa está a dizer com a intenção de compreender a sua perspetiva. It becomes obvious when one is just waiting to respond – interrupting, interjecting and defending yourself while your partner is still talking are a few giveaways. Try instead to…

1. Concentre-se no que o seu parceiro lhe está a dizer, sem formular uma resposta antes de ele ter acabado de dizer as palavras.

Isto pode criar um silêncio extra quando a pessoa acaba de falar, enquanto absorve o que ela lhe disse e, nesse silêncio, pode descobrir que ela continua. Quando as pessoas se sentem ouvidas, abrem-se para dizer mais coisas e, à medida que as ouve, sem julgamentos ou defesas, muitas vezes descobrirá que isso é suficiente para começar a aliviar alguma da sua frustração.

2. Remember that it’s not about you right now.

You want to try to understand the situation from your partner’s point of view, not yours. It’s not about what you would do in a similar situation, it’s not about how you would feel if it were you, and it is definitely not about how you think your partner should feel.

3. Ask your partner to explain why they feel the way they do, or how they have come to a conclusion that doesn’t make sense to you.

Bearing in mind that, even though it may not make sense to you (yet), how they are feeling is very real to them and dismissing the said feeling as false will not likely dispel it. For example, if your partner says to you, “You don’t care about anything I have to say,” your instinct may be to defend yourself. You might be thinking, ‘Of course I do…” while feeling irritated that they don’t know that. Your first response may be to defend yourself and dismiss your partner’s feelings as false but the thing is, even if it isn’t ‘true’, if your partner feels that you don’t care about anything they have to say, and they tell you that… as I said, it is, however, real to them. Instead of tornar-se defensivo, try to determine how they’ve come to that conclusion.

You may find upon closer inspection that you have been putting out signals that you didn’t even realize and you can take this opportunity to reassure your partner. Or your partner may be way off base and has misinterpreted something, in which case you can take this opportunity to rectify the misperception in a way that is mindful of your partner’s feelings. In either scenario, if you are not able to step outside of yourself to see what your partner is seeing, even if you don’t agree with it… it will only cause frustration for you both.

Once you’ve listened to your partner and tried to understand from their point of view, they are going to feel validated. It doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them – it means that what they say and how they feel matters to you (as it should) and that you want to be the kind of partner who shows that.

by Tia Grace