Coisas que nunca te disse

I will always be sure of one thing—we loved each other so much. Our love was strong and honest. However, we were too young and we didn’t know anything about growing up, we didn’t know that changes are inevitable in every person’s life. People told us that we wouldn’t last, we didn’t believe them. We thought that we knew better than them. That our love was stronger than theirs. But it wasn’t. They were right.

I knew I was going to leave you months before I found the courage to do so. I just wanted out of that relationship and I wasn’t thinking of you. I was so selfish. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you so much. How is it possible that I didn’t do better? Why didn’t I call you? How could I just send you a message? You expected a call that never came. I never called you so we could talk, so you could say what you wanted to say. I could hear them, the words you would say.

I knew that you loved me and I couldn’t say to you that I didn’t love you, because I did. I love you still, just in a different way. You wouldn’t understand. So, I needed to leave without a spoken word. Just a message. Two years later, I realized. I realized what I had done to you. And you were my best friend, my first love. I grew up with you, you trusted me the most and I let you down. I know now that you are happy and you have her and I am the happiest person because of that. I hope that she will be better to you than I was.

I don’t know how I continued living with myself. You probably think I deserve to suffer the way you did and sometimes I think that too. My only excuse is that I didn’t know better at that moment. I knew that our love had come to its end but I could not say that to you, to your face. How could I? You were so important to me, I couldn’t see you hurt. And doing that, avoiding that face-to-face contact, I lost you forever.

You never said, “Hi,” to me again. Never. I know I deserved that. I always hoped that something would make you change your mind and you would say, “Hi.” Just that, so I would know that you had forgiven me. That you remembered all the promises we made back in those days and you decided to be a better person than I was. That never happened. You don’t live in our city, you are far away now. I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again.

Por isso, escrevo-te. De cada vez que me lembro do que fiz, peço-te que me perdoes por ter saído daquela maneira, por partir o teu coração. Deste-me todo o teu amor incondicionalmente e eu comportei-me horrivelmente. Sinto-me envergonhado de mim próprio. Se eu pudesse falar contigo, perguntaria sobre o teu trabalho, a tua faculdade, os teus amigos, o que aprendeste sobre a vida nos últimos dois anos. Continuas a ouvir a mesma música (eu sei que sim) e continuas a fazer piadas sobre tudo e a sonhar em viajar pelo mundo? Alguma vez te lembras de nós, de como éramos felizes? Todas as coisas engraçadas que fazíamos juntos? Lembro-me e penso sempre nos dias bons. Esqueci-me de tudo o que era mau. Digo a toda a gente que tu fizeste de mim a pessoa que sou hoje e que estarei sempre grato.

Se eu pudesse falar contigo, contar-te-ia todas as mudanças na minha vida, tudo o que fiz, os lugares que visitei. Sou uma pessoa muito feliz, tenho-o a ele e a muitas pessoas na minha vida que me amam.

You are such a big part of me and you always will be. I hope one day, ten years from now, when we have children of our own, I’m gonna see you and you’ll say, “Hi.” And then I will know you forgive me because you remembered how much I loved you. Then I think I will be able to forgive myself.