Cose che non ti ho mai detto

I will always be sure of one thing—we loved each other so much. Our love was strong and honest. However, we were too young and we didn’t know anything about growing up, we didn’t know that changes are inevitable in every person’s life. People told us that we wouldn’t last, we didn’t believe them. We thought that we knew better than them. That our love was stronger than theirs. But it wasn’t. They were right.

I knew I was going to leave you months before I found the courage to do so. I just wanted out of that relationship and I wasn’t thinking of you. I was so selfish. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you so much. How is it possible that I didn’t do better? Why didn’t I call you? How could I just send you a message? You expected a call that never came. I never called you so we could talk, so you could say what you wanted to say. I could hear them, the words you would say.

I knew that you loved me and I couldn’t say to you that I didn’t love you, because I did. I love you still, just in a different way. You wouldn’t understand. So, I needed to leave without a spoken word. Just a message. Two years later, I realized. I realized what I had done to you. And you were my best friend, my first love. I grew up with you, you trusted me the most and I let you down. I know now that you are happy and you have her and I am the happiest person because of that. I hope that she will be better to you than I was.

I don’t know how I continued living with myself. You probably think I deserve to suffer the way you did and sometimes I think that too. My only excuse is that I didn’t know better at that moment. I knew that our love had come to its end but I could not say that to you, to your face. How could I? You were so important to me, I couldn’t see you hurt. And doing that, avoiding that face-to-face contact, I lost you forever.

You never said, “Hi,” to me again. Never. I know I deserved that. I always hoped that something would make you change your mind and you would say, “Hi.” Just that, so I would know that you had forgiven me. That you remembered all the promises we made back in those days and you decided to be a better person than I was. That never happened. You don’t live in our city, you are far away now. I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again.

Così, vi scrivo. Ogni volta mi ricordo di quello che ho fatto e ti chiedo di perdonarmi per essermene andato in quel modo, per averti spezzato il cuore. Mi hai dato tutto il tuo amore incondizionato e io mi sono comportato in modo orribile. Mi vergogno di me stesso. Se potessi parlare con te, ti chiederei del tuo lavoro, della tua università, dei tuoi amici, di cosa hai imparato sulla vita negli ultimi due anni. Ascolti ancora la stessa musica (so che la ascolti), fai ancora battute su tutto e sogni di viaggiare per il mondo? Ti ricordi mai di noi, di quanto eravamo felici? Tutte le cose divertenti che abbiamo fatto insieme? Mi ricordo e penso sempre ai giorni belli. Ho dimenticato tutto ciò che è stato brutto. Dico a tutti che mi hai reso la persona che sono oggi e te ne sarò sempre grato.

Se potessi parlare con te, ti racconterei tutti i cambiamenti della mia vita, tutto quello che ho fatto, i luoghi che ho visitato. Sono una persona molto felice, ho lui e tante persone nella mia vita che mi vogliono bene.

You are such a big part of me and you always will be. I hope one day, ten years from now, when we have children of our own, I’m gonna see you and you’ll say, “Hi.” And then I will know you forgive me because you remembered how much I loved you. Then I think I will be able to forgive myself.