8 sinais de que você agrada as pessoas e como deixar de ser um

Are you often going out of your way to do things for other people even if it means neglecting your own needs and wishes? If yes, then you might be what’s known as a people pleaser!

Muitas pessoas não compreendem o conceito de comportamento de agradar às pessoas, pensando que ser constantemente simpático para as pessoas, tentar ajudá-las (incluindo sair do seu caminho para o fazer) e mudar a si próprio para satisfazer as suas necessidades são desejáveis e são características de uma pessoa genuinamente simpática.

And yes, they certainly are! But there’s a thin line between being nice or kind and being a people pleaser. To understand it better, we’ll try to define these two terms.

So, being nice or kind would mean helping others, sympathizing and having a strong desire to improve other people’s lives in all aspects but to a certain extent!

And being a people pleaser is basically the same if we exclude the last part of the sentence—‘but to a certain extent’.

Tal como as pessoas simpáticas, os agradadores de pessoas têm um forte desejo de ajudar os outros, de satisfazer as suas necessidades e de os fazer felizes, mas o seu desejo de o fazer vai para além disso.

They don’t do it only to a certain extent but instead they go out of their way when it comes to making other people content and happy.

They have a hard time saying no to strangers, co-workers, their friends, family and loved ones, even if it means entering a self-destructive zone and doing something against their principles or what they normally wouldn’t do.

Being a people pleaser means caring a lot about other people’s opinions to the extent of neglecting their own needs and wishes, which is in close connection with a lack of self-love, self-worth, fear of rejection and low self-esteem.

Procurar constantemente a aprovação dos outros é um mau hábito e pode transformá-lo num capacho sem personalidade.

Este desejo de ser aprovado pelos outros pode sair pela culatra, fazendo-o sentir-se alienado, solitário e desligado do seu verdadeiro eu.

E o pior de tudo é que dá luz verde a outras pessoas para se aproveitarem de si e o usarem como capacho.

O comportamento de agradar às pessoas pode afetar a sua saúde mental e o seu bem-estar em geral, por isso, descobri-lo desde cedo e aprender a arte de estabelecer limites quando se trata de agradar às pessoas é da maior importância!

8 SIGNS YOU’RE A PEOPLE PLEASER

If you suspect but you’re still not sure whether you belong to the crew of people pleasers, here is a list of signs that will help you detect it in time!

1. Sente-se indigno

People pleasers generally have a low opinion of themselves and that’s why they feel unworthy of love and attention from others.

Estão convencidos de que a única forma de merecer o amor e a atenção das outras pessoas é através do conceito de dar.

Isto significa fazer tudo por eles, estar disponível 24 horas por dia, 7 dias por semana, dar toneladas de afeto aos outros sem esperar nada em troca e coisas semelhantes.

Because they feel unworthy, they have this urge to do anything in order to win other people’s attention and seek affection and love from them.

Fazer tudo isso fá-los sentir bem consigo próprios e enche-os de uma dose de amor que tanto lutam para conseguir.

2. Tem dificuldade em dizer não aos outros

Ajudar as outras pessoas e cuidar delas é uma coisa agradável de se fazer.

Lembro-me que sempre que alguém me pedia para o ajudar numa determinada disciplina durante a faculdade, eu aceitava sem pensar muito.

But when someone asked me things like helping them cheat during an exam, I would politely say, “No,” to them because by doing that, I would risk my own ass getting caught.

And that’s the difference between being kind to others and being a people pleaser.

So, you know that you’re being a people pleaser if you have difficulty saying no to others even if they come to you with requests that would damage your own reputation or well-being or impossible requests that are beyond your power.

People pleasers agree to do things that they wouldn’t normally do just because they’re afraid of disappointing them because that would mean not getting their approval.

And by doing that, other people’s needs become more important than their own.

E, mais importante ainda, quando as pessoas sabem que eles fariam tudo por elas, começam a abusar disso e a transformá-las nos seus fantoches pessoais que dançam ao som das suas músicas.

Ver também: 15 promessas que deves fazer a ti próprio e honrar para sempre

3. You overly apologize (even when you’re not to blame)

Tem esta tendência para pedir constantemente desculpa por tudo, independentemente de ter sido o culpado?

If you do, then you know you’re a people pleaser. You’re ready to take the blame and accept the consequences for every mistake regardless of whether it’s something you’ve done or if it’s been done by others.

Por exemplo, vai ao Starbucks e pede quatro chávenas de café diferentes para um grupo de pessoas no trabalho.

Unfortunately, the employee at Starbucks accidentally writes the wrong time on one of the cups, which makes your colleague irritated and blame you for it…

Em vez de explicar que a culpa não foi sua porque fez o pedido correto e culpar o empregado do Starbucks, decide simplesmente assumir a culpa e pedir um milhão de desculpas por ter sido tão irresponsável e irrefletido.

Entra em modo excessivamente apologético, sem sequer pensar duas vezes em fazê-lo.

The reason why you’re doing this is because you’re afraid of disappointing them, losing their trust or making them mad and that’s why you decide to go out of your way, take the blame and do whatever it takes to make things right.

Your will to make other people content is stronger than the ability to think rationally about whether you should apologize for something in the first place (especially if you know that you’re not the one to blame for it).

4. Sente-se indeciso e confuso

Given that people pleasers are mainly focused on other people’s needs, wishes, dreams and desires, they unwittingly start ignoring their own.

And that’s how they become confused about what they really want and how they really feel.

Quanto mais ignoram as suas necessidades e desejos, mais se desligam do seu verdadeiro eu.

Isto leva a que percam a sua autenticidade e se transformem num robô sem carácter e personalidade.

This also includes suppressing emotions, which is extremely dangerous and can cause severe damage to the person’s mental health.

So, let’s say that person A is in a relationship with person B.

When person B says something insulting or does something really terrible, person A doesn’t say a thing or takes it very lightly because they want to avoid arguing with their partner and they’re more concerned about how the other person will feel.

Ao fazê-lo, a pessoa A está a reprimir as suas emoções e a negligenciar a sua necessidade de se exprimir e de dizer o que realmente quer dizer.

Over time, person A starts feeling indecisive and confused because they’re no longer sure what they really want in the relationship and how they should act when something bad happens.

Este padrão tóxico pode prejudicar tanto a sua relação como a pessoa A, que está a agir como se estivesse a agradar às pessoas.

Negar o facto de que alguém feriu os seus sentimentos transforma-o num fantoche obediente.

5. You’re overly agreeable

Agreeing with other people’s ideas and thinking is the biggest shortcut when it comes to winning their approval.

So, if you’ve noticed that you easily agree with everything and accept other people’s ideas and proposals without much thinking, then you know you’re a legit people pleaser.

Let’s say that your partner proposed going to the movies on Thursday and despite the fact that you had other plans that day, you still accept it and reschedule your activities.

Or that your co-worker presented new ideas regarding some tasks or projects at work and even though you didn’t really like them, you couldn’t help but give them positive feedback.

By doing all this, you’re willingly going out of your way to make other people happy.

You’re overly agreeable because you think you’ll hurt them if you contradict them or say what you really mean.

But the truth is otherwise; by not saying what you really mean, you’re hurting both yourself and the other person because a honestidade é a base de qualquer relação saudável entre dois indivíduos.

6. You’re only focused on giving

You know that you’re a people pleaser if you’re only focused on giving instead of reciprocity—giving and receiving.

So, when someone asks you for help or when they don’t even ask you, you immediately jump to be at their service without ever expecting something in return.

You’re solely focused on giving because you’re more focused on the happiness of other people than your own.

You want them to know that you’ll always be there for them no matter what because by doing that, you feel worthy of their love and attention.

7. You can’t remember the last time you did something for yourself

As already said, there’s a thin line between being kind and being a people pleaser.

And you know that you belong to the second category if you can’t remember the last time you did something for yourself.

Uma vez que as pessoas que agradam às pessoas estão apenas focadas em dar, dedicam toda a sua vida às pessoas que as rodeiam.

Dão-se desinteressadamente a toda a gente, sem nunca questionar nada.

And that’s why they don’t have much free time for themselves. Now, think about your daily routine.

After you’re done with your obligations and chores, do you ever do something for yourself just for the sake of doing it and enjoying it?

Ou passa todo o seu tempo livre a fazer coisas para os outros, a lidar com os seus problemas, a acorrer a todos os seus desejos e afins?

If you’re doing the latter, then you know you’re a people pleaser.

8. Teme discussões e conflitos

Na mente de quem gosta de agradar às pessoas, a pior coisa que lhe pode acontecer é estar envolvido numa discussão ou num conflito.

Porquê? Porque argumentos e conflitos são o epítome da negatividade e das más relações entre as pessoas.

And that’s why every people pleaser will always try to avoid it like the plague by taking the blame for things they didn’t do, apologizing a little bit too much and by literally doing anything that will prevent the other person from feeling anger or a whole spectrum of negative emotions.

Being a people pleaser means being sensitive to other people’s negative emotions because otherwise it means that they’ve failed at getting their approval.

But a worse thing than that is not being who you really are out of fear that you’ll disappoint others.

COMO DEIXAR DE AGRADAR ÀS PESSOAS

If all the above signs indicate that you’re a people pleaser, don’t freak out or at least try not to.

I know it’s easier said than done but as with everything in life, there are ways that will help you stop being a people pleaser and help you focus on your own happiness as well.

So, it’s time to stand up for yourself and learn how to stop being a people pleaser because neglecting your own needs and wishes for the sake of others is not the way to go!

1. Praticar a verdadeira bondade

‘Practice real kindness’ probably sounds confusing to most of you but here’s what I really mean by it: When you’re being kind for the purpose of getting other people’s approval and getting them to like you, it’s called fake kindness because there is a motive behind it.

But when you’re being kind to others for no reason, then you know it’s real kindness.

You know you’re doing something good for the sake of doing it and helping the person and not for the sake of getting them to like you or approve of you.

Por isso, antes de ajudar os outros, pergunte sempre a si próprio porque é que quer ajudar essa pessoa.

É porque quer realmente ajudá-los ou porque espera algo em troca deles (o seu afeto ou aprovação)?

2. Aprender a pôr-se em primeiro lugar

The reason why many people start neglecting their own needs for the sake of meeting the needs of other people is because they think that putting their own needs first is an act of selfishness. But it’s not.

The truth is that putting your own needs first is necessary and desirable because if you don’t learn how to take care of yourself, you won’t be able to help others either. In order to love others, you need to learn to love yourself first.

Quando atingir a zona do amor-próprio, deixará de agradar às pessoas, porque compreenderá a linha que separa o amor-próprio da vontade de agradar aos outros.

Ver também: 10 razões pelas quais se deve colocar sempre em primeiro lugar

3. Desenvolver limites saudáveis

Desenvolver limites saudáveis é o passo mais importante quando se trata de ultrapassar o comportamento de agradar às pessoas.

Porquê? Porque tudo começa com os nossos próprios pensamentos e motivos.

Por isso, antes de decidir oferecer ajuda a alguém, preste atenção aos seguintes aspectos:

•  How you feel about it – Is the action something you really want to do or is it making you feel anxious for some reason? 

If the latter is the case, then you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you feel uncomfortable with.

•  Whether this action will force you to sacrifice your own needs – Before accepting to do something, think about your own needs first. When it comes to your own chores, obligations, needs and your free time, you don’t want to set a time limit and sacrifice your own needs to the extent of ruining the quality of your life.

•  How doing this action will make you feel – Will you feel genuinely happy about doing something for someone or will you feel miserable or resentful?

4. Esperar até que alguém peça a sua ajuda ou assistência

There’s nothing wrong with being willing to help others but if you turn into a service that works 24/7 and helps others without even being asked for help, then you know you have a problem.

When you’re a people pleaser, it’s hard to restrain yourself from going out of your way to offer assistance even when you’re not even asked for it, so the best way to deal with this issue is to wait until someone asks for your help or assistance.

Além disso, não se esqueça de que, por vezes, as pessoas nem sequer estão a pedir ajuda, mas apenas precisam de alguém que as ouça.

Por isso, em vez de procurar imediatamente soluções para esse problema específico, tente apenas ouvi-los até que eles próprios lhe peçam conselhos ou ajuda.

5. Procurar ajuda profissional

If you feel like this role of being a people pleaser is taking its toll on your life and it’s hard for you to cope with it, you can always seek help from a psychotherapist or any other therapist out there.

Eles ajudá-lo-ão a identificar o cerne do seu comportamento de agradar às pessoas, dar-lhe-ão conselhos úteis e muitas estratégias de sobrevivência que darão frutos em pouco tempo.

Em conclusão

Being a people pleaser is not only a matter of being overly helpful and kind to others but it’s much deeper and more complex and it can influence the quality of your life and the lives of your loved ones.

The sooner you start working on it, the sooner you’ll learn how to improve your life and take care of your own happiness as well and not only of other people’s.

“I can’t tell you the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” – Ed Sheeran

Ver também: Isto é o que significa realmente amarmo-nos a nós próprios