Olha para o exterior ou para o interior?

What draws you to another person can say a lot about your own morals and values. In order to garner a better sense of self and understand what makes us tick, we can take a closer look at the connections we’ve made and dissect why we’ve made them. Why do we enjoy the company of some more than others? We can also take a look at what attracts us to another person when we first meet them. Do we look primarily at the interior—are we drawn to their mind, their heart, their life perspective—or the exterior? Would we rather associate with someone who is fisicamente atraente, rico ou conhecido?

Da próxima vez que estiver envolvido numa conversa significativa com alguém de quem gosta, ou que talvez esteja a conhecer pela primeira vez, pense no que gosta nessa pessoa. O que é que torna esta ligação significativa?

This may be particularly important to ponder during that initial conversation. This could be a potential partnership or friendship, a new colleague or cohort. When engaging in first-time conversations we often make judgments more quickly than we like to admit. We like the way this person dresses or we don’t. We like the way they talk, or we don’t. We like their sense of style, how they interact with others or the environment around them, etc.

After you’ve returned to a quiet space later in the day, note mentally what you noticed and why. Maybe you actually had no idea what this new acquaintance was wearing or how they talked. Maybe you felt a positive intangible vibe between the two of you or something seemed odd and you just can’t put your finger on it. Did you find their words genuine or did their body language seem insincere?

Porque é que isto é importante? A forma como julgamos os outros, especialmente quando os julgamentos são mais objectivos do que subjectivos, diz muito sobre quem tentamos ser. It’s more difficult to examine how we feel about a family member or friend we’ve known our whole life than it is someone brand new. So, figuring out what passed through our mind during an early initial meeting or two will offer insight into how our subconscious is operating and why we present the way we do.

Nota sobretudo traços físicos, mentais, emocionais ou comportamentais? Gostaria que essa pessoa notasse as mesmas características em si? Passa mais tempo a ouvir ativamente os outros ou a dar a sua opinião? Gosta de dedicar mais tempo à sua própria aparência quando conhece alguém novo? Porquê ou porque não?

If you’ve ever been in an abusive attachment, you probably understand how important it is to look beyond the physical and take note of the person’s heart. Some, unfortunately, learn this the hard way. But once you make the mistake of trusting someone who didn’t deserve it, you are forever more careful to consider what’s hidden beneath the surface.

As intenções do outro parecem genuínas? Têm profundidade? Está realmente interessado em conhecê-lo, ou está mais interessado em tê-lo? Para evitar reentrar numa situação prejudicial, temos de nos assegurar que não somos apanhados pela superficialidade.

Pense também se está a ser genuíno com essa pessoa ou a tentar projetar uma falsa imagem de si próprio. Está interessado no que ela tem para dizer ou está a tentar fazer com que ela o conheça melhor? Para evitar voltar a entrar numa situação tóxica, também é importante perceber qual é a nossa posição.

Of course, someone can legitimately have it all—the looks, the personality, and a good heart. Just make sure you understand the difference between having everything and pretending to have everything. And always remember to stick to your morals and what’s important to you.

No one is perfect. It’s important to see through a false projection of perfection, and to not hold someone to unachievable standards at the same time. After all, we would want others to aceitar as nossas próprias imperfeições without having to pretend they don’t exist. The most meaningful connections are those that are the most real from the very start.