Porque não se vai embora?

Deves gostar.

You’re weak – You want attention.

Estas são as declarações que recebi todos os dias, durante anos, de amigos, familiares e desconhecidos que testemunharam tudo o que se passou.

Even to this day when telling my story, looks of confusion and sympathy are painted across their faces. And then there is the occasional asshole who has only ever had good relationships in their life that thinks you enjoy what you’re going through.

Abuse ranges from emotional, physical, financial, sexual, and many more.  I found myself in the worst emotionally & physically abusive relationship.

A minha história de amor distorcida começou com o controlo das redes sociais, depois com empurrões. Passou a ser cuspida, pontapeada, esmurrada, a ser chicoteada com objectos e, por fim, a ser mordida/magoada várias vezes pelo cão dele.

Depois, havia o controlo sobre se e quando podia dormir, tomar banho, maquilhar-me, quem via na minha família e quando podia trabalhar.

Staying felt in some royally messed up way safer then leaving. Imagine deciding to endure abuse because you’re more afraid of what happens after. Learning to do your day-to-day without being told what you will be doing that day or allowed to.

A parte mais difícil é ir embora e não voltar. Podia ir-me embora num acesso de derrota, raiva, tristeza, mas não atender o telefone e aceitar o pedido de desculpas foi a parte mais difícil.

HOPE WAS HUGE – Hope that it would go back to how it once was; hope that you’d change and realize what was going on wasn’t okay. Hope that you would just stop leaving marks across my body. In your drug-induced nice spells, you would talk about knowing that you can’t hurt me physically the way you were anymore.

O original Jekyll e Hyde em pessoa. Fizeste-me sentir inútil e eu acreditei nisso. Até ao dia em que toda a minha esperança se esgotou, aguentei tudo o que me foi atirado por ti.

Leaving is not even a thought in your head most of the time. Or if it is one, it quickly fades away because the one abusing you I guarantee is a narcissistic asshole who knows telling you he’ll be with another woman or something insane like that will keep you there.

The thought of losing the person that you went through so much for is terrifying. You’ve gotten brainwashed into thinking you aren’t worth the dirt on the streets. But I’m here to tell you baby girl – the only dirt in your life is the one doing this to you!

I know this is scary, I know not answering his phone call literally makes you shake at the thought of how he is going to react. He is going to tell all of your friends you’re a terrible person, and he NEVER laid a hand on you or cheated. Trust and believe that once you walk away, anything private shared between you and him is now public knowledge.

I have been there. I stood with my head down, by myself, shaking outside of The Protection From Abuse (PFA) department in my county with tears running down my face. I froze. I couldn’t move until an officer approached me asking if I was lost.

Eu estava perdido. Já não sabia quem eu era quando me olhava ao espelho. Não fazia ideia do que gostava, não tinha passatempos, não tinha amigos. Perdi tudo nos três anos em que me dediquei a ele.

Even after having court order put in place, it took a long time to want to face myself and see if the picture he painted me to be in my mind was the same one staring back at me in the mirror. It took a long time to be able to take a picture of myself and post it online. Finding myself beautiful again or leaving my house to be social took a very long time. Most of my friends have returned into my life. I’ve made more. I’ve started to date again. This was by no means easy, but I guarantee once you realize it is not normal to cry on a daily basis and be so upset, you will fall in love with the peace.

There is no overnight cure to fix the traumas you’ve endured. The only fix is time and self-love. Loving yourself and putting your safety, happiness, and future in your hands.

por Jess Heller