O rescaldo de uma quase relação

Quase namoraste com alguém. You were almost the girl who was chosen. You had a boyfriend—at least you almost had him. There was something, but you’re not sure how to call it.

Não havia rótulos. There were no promises made out loud, just those silent ones you could read from each other’s behavior.

But in the end, all you can call yourselves is ‘almost’ together because nothing really happened.

You thought you’re just taking things slow. Era como se nenhum de vocês quisesse apressar as coisas e ambos gostassem de passar tempo juntos. Pelo menos foi o que pareceu.

Mas algures entre ir com calma e admitir os seus sentimentos, ficou preso numa zona cinzenta que não conseguiu ultrapassar.

And that’s all you were left with—frozen in time with so many possibilities but none of them happening.

Esperava que o seu quase se transformasse em algo real. You hoped you will be able to stand in front of your friends and introduce each other as more than friends—as people who are dating.

You hoped you’ll be able to tell your family that you’re together and you hoped you’ll be able to display your relationship publicly.

That you’ll be able to change your profile picture, that you’ll save each others numbers with your cute nicknames instead of just names, but it didn’t happen.

Não aconteceu nada de facto. E tudo o que restava era a esperança de que as coisas acabassem por mudar.

But regardless of how long you waited, somehow you got stuck and you weren’t moving anywhere. No matter how hard you swam, if you ran or walked, you didn’t move from the same spot.

All that remained were those “what if” questions: What if you said what you felt, what if someone actually made the first move, what if you asked for a label, what if you took the charge, what if you weren’t afraid, what if you were more courageous, what if and what if… what if it happened, seria capaz de ser feliz?

Será que todos os teus sonhos se tornariam realidade? Seria tudo o que sempre quiseste?

Even if it wasn’t a real relationship, it still hurts. It’s still a painful experience and the aftermath of an almost relationship haunts you even more than the aftermath of a failed relationship.

Because there are so many possibilities that haven’t come to life, there is so much hope that just froze in time, there are so many dreams that will never see the light of the day, there is so much that should’ve been, but didn’t happen.

Even if it wasn’t a real relationship, it still haunts you. Continua a despedaçar-nos o coração. E a melancolia continua a ser a tua melhor amiga.

Porque pode não ter sido uma relação real, mas os sentimentos eram muito reais. E a dor está bem viva.

E, no final da história, uma vez que recusar o acordo for something that is in the air and non-existent, you can’t help but ask yourself why can’t you be enough.

What’s wrong with you and how is it possible that you can’t be chosen?

You can’t escape this feeling that it was something you’ve done, that it had to be some huge mistake you made that prevented you from being chosen and from getting the love you deserve.

And, even when you know your worth, even when you know you’re more than enough, you can’t escape all those questions that come in waves when you close your eyes.

You can’t shake this feeling that you were meant to be. You can’t accept that it isn’t happening when you had all the signs that it will happen.

And you can’t shake off this feeling like you’ll always be a backup plan. That you’ll never get your own love story, that you’ll never get the love you deserve.

That you’ll always be just an almost choice and that you’ll always be stuck in an almost relationship.

And you end up being disappointed in everything: life, people, future relationships. You end up being broken by something you don’t even know how to name.

Acabamos por nos perguntar se alguma vez seremos amados da forma que uma pessoa merece ser amada. Se alguma vez seremos escolhidos ou se alguma vez seremos mais do que apenas uma opção ou uma possibilidade que nunca chegou a existir.

And you end up wondering if you’ll be the one who wins ever in life.

Well, let me answer that for you—if you learned something from a sua quase relação, if you know you deserve more than being just an option, if you walk away from a ‘relationship’ that isn’t going anywhere, you win.

Although the aftermath of an almost relationship is nasty, at least you made sure you aren’t stuck in it forever. At least you gave a chance to your future.

At least you made a spot for someone who’ll be more than willing to give you everything you deserve.