Se tens saudades dele e sabes que não deves, lê isto

Ainda sinto a falta dele, ainda vagueia no fundo da minha mente como um convidado não convidado e não consigo evitar. Está tudo bem quando estou acordada.

It’s easier during the day but when the night comes, when I’m left to the mercy of my own thoughts before I go to sleep, he pops in and there is no way I can afugentá-lo.

There is no way to shut my mind down and find that small part of peace without him that I’m craving so badly.

So many times I’ve seen a complete stranger on the street and the color of his shirt reminded me of the color of his eyes.

O cheiro de um estranho inocente faz-me voltar aos dias em que éramos felizes. Tudo isso me faz pensar. Tudo isso faz-me desejar o passado.

I’m occupying my days just to forget him.

I’m doing all things possible just to not remember his face, his smell, his walk or his talk. I’m doing everything just to not miss him because I know I shouldn’t.

I know I shouldn’t but somehow I can’t not.

And it doesn’t make any sense really. I should hate him. I should hate the very thought of him, his presence, his everything.

E, no entanto, ele está sempre lá, no fundo da minha mente, à espera que eu baixe as minhas barreiras e o deixe entrar nos meus pensamentos.

No one really gets it. No one knows how I feel. I just can’t let anyone know. After everything he’s done to me, I have no right to sentir a sua faltasó uma pessoa louca faria isso e, no entanto, eu faço-o. Por isso, mantenho a minha boca fechada e magoo-me sozinha.

Tenho de o guardar para mim. Tenho de ficar calada e passar por esta dor de não o ter mais só para mim.

I know it’s hard now to let go of him. I know that nothing ever goes away overnight but I don’t get just one thing.

The rational part of me keeps yelling to forget about him. It keeps reminding me what horrible things he did to me. It keeps telling me that he never changed, even after so many chances given and that this time it wouldn’t be any different.

But the emotional part of me, the ‘insane’ part, keeps bringing him back. It keeps showing flashes of his smiling face. It keeps provoking empathy and craves him back, although it shouldn’t.

A verdade é que só me lembro de todas as coisas boas.

Lembro-me de como ele me fazia rir tanto que me doía o estômago. Lembro-me de como ele fazia figura de parvo só para me dar um sorriso.

Lembro-me de todas as loucuras que fazíamos juntos, de como éramos felizes sem preocupações, sem preocupações.

Pensámos que o amor era assim tão simples. Havia problemas e optámos por ignorá-los. Fingimos que nada estava a acontecer até que eles voltaram e, uma vez, foi demais.

Todas as coisas que continuámos a escovar para debaixo do tapete, que continuámos a esconder, voltaram e bateram-nos na cara. Não havia como recuperar disso.

Num dia tinha-o, e no outro era um completo estranho. Ele foi-se embora.

And I can’t force myself to forget him. I can’t stop missing him. And I know I should.

Underneath it all, I know that he doesn’t deserve to be missed. I know that I’m a complete idiot for being stuck in those happy memories we had together. I know that I’m the only one.

Enquanto me reviro na minha cama à noite, tentando expulsá-lo dos meus pensamentos, sei que ele dorme perfeitamente quieto.

I know that he doesn’t miss me and that he doesn’t think about me.

Then, I’m angry at myself. I’m angry because I’m stuck on him and he let me go a long time ago.

He was the one who called it quits on us. He was the one who didn’t want to fight anymore.

I wanted us to work but he didn’t care enough to try.

I kept giving him the time and space to turn things around but he didn’t see it that way. I guess I was just something casual he ran into along the way and I thought we would last much longer.

Estava enganado.

But you know what I’ve learned?

I’d rather miss him the way I remember him. I’d rather miss the good sides of him.

So, I know it’s for the best because I know that I would be miserable if we had stayed together.

So I’d rather miss him than be with him.