Uma causa muito comum de relações pouco saudáveis é a codependência. O problema da codependência é que não é fácil de detetar. Muitas vezes, as pessoas parecem não querer admitir que a têm ou não conseguem reconhecer os sintomas. A melhor maneira de começar é determinar o que é de facto a codependência.

“It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as ‘relationship addiction’ because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.” MHA

Deparei-me acidentalmente com estas linhas e depois comecei a investigar mais a fundo. Apercebi-me que também eu já tinha sido co-dependente e que, se tivesse sabido, teria sido muito mais fácil ultrapassá-lo.

Alguns dos principais sintomas estavam presentes: Eu estava numa relação tóxica. Era demasiado indeciso. Era muito auto-consciente e insegura. Sentia que era minha responsabilidade ajudá-lo a lidar com os seus problemas. Descuidava-me completamente da minha vida por causa do amor que sentia por ele.

It was all about him. I was non-existent in that relationship and I didn’t mind. My only goal was to meet his needs. To make him happy. To see him. To obsess over where he was and what he was doing.

Eu aguentei muito. Ele era abusivo. Estava sempre a deitar-me abaixo, a chamar-me nomes. Ele era sempre o rei do castelo e eu a sua humilde serva. Essa teria sido a imagem adequada de mim na altura.

I tolerated it all till the point that he became physically aggressive. I am ashamed to admit that I also put up with that for some time, until I realized that I was on a road that would destroy me. I had to admit to myself that I was better off without him, but it’s hard for an addict to to give up on their addiction.

It took me a while but I managed. It’s a bit funny when I look back at it now but I actually felt like I put myself through the recovery process of overcoming codependency. The first step of admitting that you have a problem is the hardest part of that but then it all gets a bit easier.

That’s why I wanted to share with you the most usual signs that you are in a codependent relationship and to give you some advice on how to overcome it.

1. As necessidades dele estão em primeiro lugar e tu ignoras as tuas.

Preocupa-se constantemente com o que ele gosta ou não gosta. Se fizer isto ou aquilo, será que ele vai aprovar? Adia os seus interesses, sonhos e desejos para se adaptar às necessidades e preferências dele. Começa a perder o sentido de si própria ao amá-lo.

Em primeiro lugar, tem de perceber que, numa relação saudável, os parceiros são iguais e não há necessidade de fazer grandes sacrifícios e de se perder no processo de amar outra pessoa. Tem de tomar a sua vida nas suas próprias mãos e tem de ser a pessoa mais importante da sua vida. Só quando começarem a fazer isso é que terão uma relação feliz e saudável.

 

2. Sente-se responsável pelo seu comportamento ou emoções.

He’s had a bad day and he takes it out on you. It had nothing to do with you yet you still feel responsible. You start asking yourself if it was something that you’d said or done and you automatically put the burden of guilt on your shoulders.

You are not God and you can’t control other people’s behaviors or emotions or lack of them. If somebody snaps at you for no reason, don’t jump to conclusions and blame yourself. It is something that is up to the other person to deal with on their own. By focusing on him, you lose track of your own feelings and that’s something you have to change. Focus on yourself.

3. Confunde-se amor com obsessão.

You constantly wonder what your partner is doing when he is not around, whom he follows on social media, what he thinks about when he is silent and gloomy and says everything’s OK. You overthink every move he makes. You would like to have insights into his mind and emotions. That’s obsession, not love.

Love is trust and giving space to one another. Love doesn’t control or obsess. You have to realize you are on the wrong path that will only leave you miserable. You have to make a change. You need to have a bit of faith in yourself to be able to trust your partner. If you are with the wrong partner, this advice will help you in your future relationships.

4. Ele trata-a mal e você continua a tolerar isso.

He is abusing you. Sometimes physically but usually emotionally because it’s harder to detect. He hurts you by using words. He manipulates you and makes you feel like you are not enough. He uses your insecurities against you. Your compassion and feelings for him are making you stay.

Nunca tolerar ser maltratado. A melhor coisa a fazer é afastar-se sem olhar para trás. Pode não ser fácil, mas valerá a pena, garanto-lhe.

5. Preocupa-se demasiado com coisas que estão fora do seu controlo.

Por muito agradável que seja, gostaria de poder controlar qualquer situação e o seu resultado. Gostaria de o poupar de qualquer situação má. Passa as noites a pensar demais e a preocupar-se com tudo menos consigo próprio. O resultado é que fica stressada.

What is important here is to realize that not everything is in your hands. Life doesn’t always go smoothly, it has its ups and downs. You won’t be able to prevent him from worrying about them in advance. You have to take things as they come and deal with them then.

6. Tu és aquele que dá tudo de si.

Cuidar dele é o que tu fazes. Continua a dar sem receber nada em troca. Depois, sente-se zangado, ressentido ou aproveitado. Por vezes, ajudar e cuidar dos outros faz-nos sentir necessários e gostamos disso, mas outras vezes faz-nos sentir zangados e exaustos. Mas, na maior parte das vezes, não diz nada sobre isso e guarda tudo dentro de si.

This behavior is just going to make you insane sooner or later. You have to take care of yourself first. You shouldn’t feel like giving your best is a burden. Of course, it will be if your efforts are not reciprocated. You need to discover self-love and then find a man who will be willing to invest in a relationship as much as you do.