If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you know one thing for sure—they hate losing control. The moment they feel you pulling away, standing up for yourself, or seeing through their manipulative ways, they go into full panic mode.
And when that happens, they don’t just let go gracefully. Oh no. They double down on their toxic behaviors, pulling out every trick in the book to keep you in their web.
That’s where this list comes in. These 31 toxic moves are the go-to strategies narcissists use when they sense they’re losing their grip. Some are obvious—like gaslighting and blame-shifting—while others are sneakier, designed to mess with your mind in ways you don’t even notice at first.
So, whether you’re in the middle of dealing with a narcissist or healing from one, this guide will help you spot the red flags, protect your energy, and take back your control. Let’s break down exactly what they do—and how to stop letting it affect you.
1. Gaslighting
Ever felt like you’re losing your grip on reality? That’s exactly what gaslighting does. Narcissists twist the truth, deny things they said or did, and make you question your own memory. “I never said that,” or “You’re too sensitive” are classic gaslighting lines. The goal? To destabilize you so they can stay in control.
Over time, you start second-guessing yourself, relying on them for what’s “real.” It’s insidious, and it works—until you recognize the pattern. Once you do, trust yourself. Your feelings are valid, and your memory isn’t broken. They just don’t want you to see the truth.
Gaslighting is one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse because it chips away at your confidence and independence. The longer you’re exposed to it, the harder it becomes to separate lies from reality. The best way to fight back? Keep a record of events, trust your intuition, and confide in trusted friends or therapists. When a narcissist can no longer manipulate your perception, they lose their grip on you.
2. Tratamento silencioso
You text. No response. You call. Nothing. Suddenly, they vanish into thin air. The silent treatment is a cruel way narcissists punish you without saying a word. It’s designed to make you feel invisible, unworthy, and desperate for their attention. This is their power play—if they can make you feel abandoned, they assume you’ll do anything to get back in their good graces. The best way to handle it? Don’t chase them. Let them sit in their silence. The more you resist their manipulation, the less control they have over you.
The silent treatment isn’t just about ignoring—it’s about control. It’s meant to make you anxious and desperate for validation. You might even find yourself apologizing for things you didn’t do, just to make the discomfort stop. But here’s the truth: healthy people communicate, even when they’re upset. If someone weaponizes silence against you, let them go. You deserve relationships where you’re heard, valued, and respected.
3. Projection
Ever been accused of something outrageous—something you’d never even think of doing? That’s a projection. Narcissists take their worst traits and dump them onto you. They cheat? They accuse you of cheating. They lie? Suddenly, you’re the dishonest one. It’s a defense mechanism—they can’t handle their own flaws, so they offload them onto you. The worst part? You might actually start defending yourself against things that were never true in the first place. Don’t fall into the trap. If they’re accusing you out of nowhere, chances are they’re just revealing their own issues.
Projection is exhausting because it forces you to live on the defensive. Instead of focusing on your own growth and happiness, you’re stuck constantly proving your innocence. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to play that game. When you recognize projection, don’t engage—just step back and see it for what it is. Their accusations are a mirror, reflecting back their own insecurities.
4. Triangulation
Why argue with one person when you can drag a third into the mess? That’s triangulation—bringing in another person to validate their side and make you feel like the odd one out. Maybe it’s an ex, a friend, or even a therapist. Suddenly, you’re ganged up on, questioning your own perspective. This tactic is designed to isolate you and make you fight for their approval. The solution? Don’t play the game. If someone is trying to turn people against you, recognize it for what it is—manipulation.
Triangulation thrives on insecurity. The narcissist wants you to feel like you’re in constant competition for their love or loyalty. It creates unnecessary drama and stress, making you feel like you always have to prove yourself. The best way to counter it? Step out of the triangle. When you stop seeking their validation, the game falls apart. You don’t need their approval—you just need peace.
5. Blame Shifting
Narcissists can never be at fault. Ever. If something goes wrong, guess what? It’s your fault. You made them mad. You caused the problem. You “overreacted.” Blame shifting is how they dodge responsibility while making you feel guilty. The goal? To keep you stuck in a cycle of fixing problems they created. The moment you stop taking the blame, you take back your power. Hold them accountable. If they refuse to own up to their actions, that’s on them—not you.
Blame shifting can make you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid being the “problem.” But relationships should be about mutual responsibility, not one person carrying all the weight. If you notice a pattern of always being the one apologizing, step back and reassess. Healthy relationships involve accountability—not endless guilt trips.
6. Bomba de amor
At first, they’re perfect. Grand gestures, constant attention, over-the-top compliments. You feel like you’ve met your soulmate. Then, once they have you hooked, the mask slips. Love bombing is a tactic narcissists use to lure you in and make you dependent on their validation. It’s intense, overwhelming, and intoxicating. But it’s not real love—it’s manipulation. If someone is moving too fast and showering you with too much affection early on, be cautious. Love should be steady, not a rollercoaster.
Love bombing feels incredible—until it doesn’t. The sudden withdrawal of affection can leave you feeling confused and desperate to “win them back.” But real love isn’t a game. If someone truly cares about you, their love won’t feel like a weapon. Trust actions over words, and if something feels too good to be true, it probably is.
7. Intimidation
Narcissists thrive on power, and when they start losing control, they might turn to intimidation. Raised voices, aggressive body language, threats—anything to make you feel small and helpless. Some might be more subtle, using veiled threats or guilt to make you comply. No matter how it looks, the goal is fear. But fear is a weapon that only works if you let it. Stay firm. Set boundaries. Walk away if you need to. You deserve to feel safe—always.
Intimidation can take many forms, from outright aggression to subtle emotional threats. If someone makes you feel scared, anxious, or controlled, trust those feelings. Real love and respect don’t require fear. When a narcissist tries to intimidate you, remember—you don’t owe them compliance. You owe yourself peace.
8. Hoovering
Just when you think you’re free, here they come—like a vacuum, trying to suck you back in. “I miss you.” “I’ve changed.” “Remember the good times?” Hoovering is their last-ditch effort to regain control. They’ll say whatever it takes to reel you back in, but once they do, the cycle starts all over again. Don’t fall for it. If they really valued you, they wouldn’t have hurt you in the first place. Keep moving forward. You left for a reason.
Hoovering works because it preys on nostalgia and hope. But remember, people don’t change overnight—especially not narcissists. If they were truly different, they wouldn’t have to convince you. Protect your progress. When they come back, don’t look back.
9. Devaluation
One minute, you’re their everything. The next? You’re worthless. Devaluation is how narcissists keep you off balance. They tear you down, criticize you, and make you feel like you’re not good enough. Why? Because if you doubt yourself, you’ll be easier to control. The truth is, their words say more about them than they do about you. Confidence is their enemy—so build yourself up. You are more than enough.
The devaluation phase is brutal because it makes you question your own self-worth. After being showered with affection (love bombing), the sudden shift is jarring. You may find yourself working harder to “win back” their love, but that’s the trap. They’re not devaluing you because of who you are—they’re doing it because they thrive on power. The best way to break free? Recognize that their opinion of you isn’t the truth. Surround yourself with people who genuinely appreciate you, and don’t let their words define your worth.
10. Discarding
When they’ve drained you of everything they wanted—attention, validation, control—they toss you aside like yesterday’s trash. Cold. Uncaring. Done. Discarding is brutal, but it’s also a gift in disguise. It means you’re free. They’ll move on to their next victim, but that’s not your concern. Your job? Heal, grow, and never let them back in. Their loss.
The discard phase feels cruel because it’s often sudden and unexpected. After all the ups and downs, they cut you off like you never mattered. But here’s the truth: their detachment isn’t about you—it’s about their inability to truly connect with anyone. They move on quickly because they need a new source of validation, but that doesn’t mean you were the problem. In time, you’ll see the discard for what it is: a blessing. It frees you to rebuild, rediscover yourself, and find real, healthy relationships.
11. Smear Campaign
Once a narcissist realizes they’re losing control over you, they go into full damage control mode—except their version of “damage control” is actually destroying your reputation. A smear campaign is when they spread lies, half-truths, and twisted stories to turn people against you. Suddenly, mutual friends are distant, colleagues give you side-eyes, and you have no idea why. Narcissists do this to isolate you and keep their own image intact. They can’t be the bad guy, so they paint you as the villain.
It’s painful to watch people believe their lies, but here’s the good news: truth has a way of surfacing. The best response? Don’t engage. Fighting their false narrative only fuels their need for drama. Instead, live your truth, focus on your real support system, and let time reveal who they really are. People who know you will see through the act. Those who don’t? They were never truly in your corner anyway.
12. Threatening Self-Harm
One of the most manipulative tactics a narcissist will use when they feel they’re losing control is threatening self-harm. They’ll say things like, “If you leave, I don’t know what I’ll do to myself,” or “I can’t live without you.” This is designed to make you feel responsible for their well-being, trapping you in the relationship out of guilt rather than love. It’s a deeply manipulative move because it exploits your empathy and sense of responsibility.
While mental health struggles are real, it’s important to recognize the difference between genuine distress and emotional blackmail. If someone is truly struggling, they need professional help—not your forced presence. The best approach? Encourage them to seek therapy, but don’t let guilt keep you in a toxic situation. You are not responsible for managing someone else’s emotions at the cost of your own well-being.
13. Playing the Victim
Narcissists are experts at flipping the script. Suddenly, the person who hurt you is the one crying about how you wronged them. Maybe they spin the breakup as your fault, claiming you abandoned them. Maybe they act like they were the real victim all along, despite all the pain they caused you. It’s all about dodging accountability and gaining sympathy from others.
This tactic is especially frustrating because it can make you look like the “bad guy” to people who don’t know the full story. But you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. The best response? Let them play the victim while you move on in peace. The people who matter will see the truth eventually.
14. Stonewalling
Ever tried having a serious conversation with a narcissist, only to be met with cold silence? That’s stonewalling—when they refuse to engage, dismiss your feelings, or simply walk away mid-conversation. It’s a power move designed to make you feel unimportant and frustrated. Instead of resolving issues, they shut you out completely, leaving you to deal with the emotional fallout alone.
Stonewalling is emotional neglect. It’s meant to break you down, make you desperate for communication, and force you to back down. The best way to handle it? Stop chasing them. If they refuse to communicate, take it as a sign of emotional immaturity. Healthy relationships require open discussions—not one person shutting down while the other begs for attention.
15. Overcompensation
Ever noticed how, just when you start pulling away, they suddenly become the perfect partner? They buy gifts, shower you with compliments, and promise they’ll change. This is overcompensation—it’s not about genuine growth, but about keeping you hooked. They don’t want to lose control over you, so they go into overdrive to convince you to stay.
But here’s the catch: once they feel secure again, they go right back to their toxic ways. This cycle can keep you trapped for years if you don’t recognize it. Real change takes time, effort, and consistency—not temporary grand gestures. If they only treat you right when they’re afraid of losing you, it’s not real love. It’s manipulation.
16. Intermittent Reinforcement
This is one of the most psychologically damaging tactics narcissists use. Intermittent reinforcement is when they alternate between love and cruelty, kindness and neglect, affection and rejection. One day, they’re sweet and caring. The next, they’re distant or cruel. This keeps you in a constant state of emotional confusion, desperately seeking their approval.
It’s the same principle that makes gambling addictive—you never know when you’ll hit the jackpot, so you keep playing. The unpredictability keeps you hooked. But here’s the truth: love shouldn’t feel like a slot machine. Healthy relationships are stable, secure, and consistent. If someone only treats you well sometimes, they don’t truly respect or care for you.
17. Baiting
Narcissists love getting a reaction out of you. That’s where baiting comes in. They’ll say or do something outrageous just to get under your skin—then, when you react, they act like you’re the crazy one. “See? You’re always so emotional.” It’s a setup designed to make you look unstable while they sit back and play innocent.
The best way to beat them at their own game? Don’t take the bait. When you refuse to react, you take away their power. They want you to explode—they need you to play into their narrative. The more unbothered you are, the less control they have over you.
18. Pity Play
Narcissists don’t just use aggression to manipulate—they use pity, too. If you start pulling away, they suddenly become the most misunderstood, mistreated person in the world. Maybe they bring up their childhood trauma, their bad luck in life, or how “everyone leaves them.” It’s designed to make you feel guilty for setting boundaries.
But here’s the thing: empathy is a beautiful quality, but when it’s being used against you, it becomes a trap. You can feel sorry for someone’s struggles without allowing them to mistreat you. If they only bring up their pain when they need to manipulate you, it’s not about healing—it’s about control.
19. Feigning Ignorance
Ever tried holding a narcissist accountable, only for them to act like they have no idea what you’re talking about? “I don’t remember that.” “You must be imagining things.” “I didn’t know that would hurt you.” This is feigning ignorance—a way to avoid responsibility while making you feel unreasonable.
It’s exhausting because it forces you to over-explain yourself, trying to convince them of something they already know. They’re not actually confused—they just don’t want to admit they’re wrong. The best response? Don’t waste your energy. If they “forget” things when it’s convenient, stop giving them chances.
20. Love Withdrawal
Love shouldn’t be a reward you have to earn, but narcissists use love like a bargaining chip. If you don’t do what they want, they withhold affection, attention, and care. Suddenly, the warmth disappears, and you’re left feeling alone and unwanted. It’s their way of making you comply out of fear—fear of being abandoned, unloved, or rejected.
Healthy love is unconditional. If someone withdraws love as a form of punishment, that’s not love—it’s control. The moment you recognize this tactic, you take back your power. Real love doesn’t feel like a test you have to pass. It’s time to stop chasing the approval of someone who only loves you when it’s convenient for them.
21. Anxiety Induction
A narcissist thrives on making you feel on edge. They might drop vague threats like, “Something big is coming,” or “I wouldn’t be so confident if I were you.” They may create unnecessary chaos, leave messages unanswered, or act unpredictably—just to keep you anxious. When you’re constantly walking on eggshells, they maintain control because you’re too stressed to think clearly.
Anxiety induction is all about power. The more uncertain and nervous you are, the easier it is for them to manipulate you. The best way to fight back? Recognize when they’re manufacturing stress and step away. Their unpredictability isn’t your problem—it’s their dysfunction. The calmer you remain, the less control they have over you.
22. Mocking
Narcissists don’t just argue—they ridicule. Instead of discussing issues maturely, they roll their eyes, mimic you, or laugh at your emotions. They’ll say things like, “Oh, are you going to cry now?” or “You sound ridiculous.” Mocking is a way to belittle you and make you feel like your feelings don’t matter.
Mocking is especially damaging because it turns serious conversations into a joke—at your expense. The goal? To make you feel foolish for even speaking up. But remember: healthy people don’t mock those they love. If someone constantly belittles you, they don’t respect you. And without respect, there is no real relationship.
23. Lying
Lies are a narcissist’s best friend. They lie to avoid responsibility, manipulate reality, and control the narrative. Sometimes it’s small, like denying something they just said. Other times, it’s big—rewriting history to make themselves look like the victim. Either way, the result is the same: confusion and control.
Trying to get the truth from a narcissist is a losing game. Even if you catch them red-handed, they’ll deny it, twist it, or gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem. The best response? Stop expecting honesty. If someone has shown you they can’t be trusted, believe them—and don’t waste your energy chasing the truth they’ll never admit.
24. Flattery
Narcissists don’t just use insults to manipulate—they use praise, too. They’ll flatter you when it benefits them, saying, “You’re the only person who understands me,” or “I’ve never met anyone like you.” But the moment they don’t get what they want, the compliments vanish. It’s all about control.
Flattery is different from genuine appreciation. It’s over-the-top, insincere, and often used right before or after they mistreat you. If someone’s praise feels like it comes with conditions, pay attention. Real admiration isn’t a tool for manipulation—it’s consistent, honest, and doesn’t disappear the moment you set a boundary.
25. Interrupting
Ever tried expressing your thoughts, only to be constantly cut off? Narcissists hate listening because it means giving someone else the spotlight. They’ll talk over you, dismiss your words, or hijack conversations to make everything about them.
Interrupting isn’t just rude—it’s a way to silence you. It sends the message that what you’re saying isn’t important. But here’s the truth: your voice matters. If someone refuses to let you speak, they don’t respect you. A real relationship involves listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk.
26. Invalidation
“You’re overreacting.” “That’s not a big deal.” “You’re being too sensitive.” These are classic invalidation tactics. Narcissists use them to make you feel like your emotions are wrong or excessive. The goal? To make you doubt yourself so they don’t have to take responsibility.
Your feelings are never wrong. They’re signals from your mind and body, and they deserve to be acknowledged. If someone constantly dismisses your emotions, they’re not fostering a safe space for you—they’re controlling the conversation. The best way to handle invalidation? Stop seeking validation from someone incapable of giving it.
27. Minimizing
Minimizing is when a narcissist downplays your concerns to make them seem unimportant. If you express hurt, they say, “It’s not that bad.” If you confront them about something serious, they shrug it off with, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” The goal? To make you feel like your problems aren’t valid.
This tactic is especially harmful because it can make you start questioning your own experiences. But no one has the right to decide what should hurt you. If something feels wrong to you, it is. A healthy relationship means being heard and understood—not being told your pain is imaginary.
28. Exaggeration
Narcissists love drama—especially when it makes them look better or you look worse. They’ll twist stories, blow things out of proportion, or claim, “You always do this” or “You never support me.” Exaggeration makes their victim look unreasonable while making them seem like the long-suffering hero.
Exaggeration is a way to control the narrative. If someone constantly distorts reality to fit their agenda, recognize it for what it is—manipulation. The best way to deal with it? Stick to the facts. Don’t let their dramatics pull you into an argument where logic no longer matters.
29. Diversion
Have you ever confronted a narcissist about something they did, only for the conversation to somehow become about your faults instead? That’s diversion—changing the subject to avoid accountability. Instead of addressing the issue, they bring up something irrelevant to throw you off track.
Diversion is exhausting because it makes real communication impossible. You start discussing one thing, but by the end, you’re defending yourself over something completely unrelated. The best approach? Stay focused. Don’t let them drag you down rabbit holes. If they refuse to address the actual issue, that’s your answer: they’re not interested in a real resolution.
30. Rationalization
Narcissists always have an excuse. Maybe they were “just tired,” or “going through a lot,” or “only reacted that way because you made them.” Rationalization is their way of justifying bad behavior so they never have to take responsibility.
While everyone has bad days, consistent toxic behavior isn’t something you can excuse away. If someone constantly blames circumstances instead of owning their actions, it’s a pattern—not an accident. People who care about you will acknowledge when they’ve hurt you, not just make excuses for why it happened.
31. Misrepresentation
Ever heard a narcissist tell a story about you and barely recognize it? That’s misrepresentation—twisting events to make themselves look good and you look bad. They leave out key details, reframe situations, and even rewrite history to fit their version of reality.
This is especially frustrating because it makes you feel like you’re fighting a battle against lies. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to correct every false narrative they spread. The people who matter will see through it. The truth always has a way of revealing itself. The best thing you can do? Live your life in a way that speaks for itself.