A minha ansiedade não me deixa aproximar das pessoas, mas é assim que lido com ela

Quando a ansiedade se instala, por vezes faz-nos difícil de amar, you know? It’s like the world is a huge hurricane that doesn’t allow you to escape its grasp and your mind just goes with that whole mess, without ever realizing what it’s doing to itself.

So here I am, mistaking everything that’s in my head as reality. Like I have nothing better to do than to be miserable. I can’t say that there is anyone in my life whom my anxiety didn’t affect—including my teachers, parents, siblings, partners, etc. Everyone in my life has made it clear that they don’t know how to handle my emotional distance and my messy mind.

My anxiety didn’t let me get close to people at all. It isolated me to the point where I wasn’t even able to get out of my room, for my head convinced me how bad it must be outside. Other people seemed to be too much work but I have found my ways to deal with all these things that are telling me to stay away, for my brain might hurt them.

Lembro-me de respirar. My head tends to get cluttered with so many thoughts that simply will not go away on their own and that’s when I forget to breathe. Whenever I would meet someone new I would become so anxious that my breathing would just stop. But now I manage to remember to breathe. With this, I get a moment of peace where I gather my thoughts and become aware of my surroundings. When I remember to breathe it’s so much easier to talk to and interact with others.

Falo às pessoas sobre a minha ansiedade. It’s not the easiest thing to do to be honest. Telling someone that you ficar ansioso com muita facilidade and that the whole situation is super uncomfortable for you only makes you vulnerable. But if someone doesn’t appreciate your honesty and they don’t even bother to try and understand you, then they are not even worthy of your time. At least that’s how I see it. It took me quite some time to manage this but I have been doing great!

Quando as pessoas sabem o quão ansiosas me deixam, também sabem que estou a travar uma batalha que ninguém consegue ver. Não estou à procura de piedade. Só quero que as pessoas saibam como é difícil para mim interagir com elas e porque é que é assim. Assim, as pessoas tendem a ser mais compreensíveis e acabam por tornar mais fácil para mim conhecê-las.

I try to accept that I can’t control things. My anxiety is mostly turned to the fear that something might go wrong before it even starts, so I end up with my head between my knees, begging the world to do things my way. But it never works out how I planned. So, I have a reminder written on my hand that says that I can’t control things and that I should just let them go.

Because of the fear of getting hurt or being misunderstood I often regret the fact that I don’t get emotionally intimate with someone. So, what I do is I talk. Even though it sounds awkward and even though I break down most of the time, I keep on trying until I tell them something about myself. Of course, I always ask for something in return, a memory perhaps, that I can hold on to.

I try to remember that it’s not my fault. É nisto que eu mais falho. Tento convencer-me de que ter ansiedade isn’t my fault or that people leaving my life also isn’t my fault. But it’s truly hard. Getting close to people means being vulnerable and telling them that you are insecure and that’s what gives them o poder de vos quebrar.

Mas prefiro ser quebrado do que não ser capaz de expressar emoções verdadeiras. Podemos curar-nos depois de um coração partido e todos podemos aprender uma lição valiosa, mas lamentar o facto de nunca termos estabelecido uma ligação emocional ou de termos tido demasiado medo de falar com alguém fica.

Por isso, todos os dias me esforço por me tornar mais aberta às pessoas e por me aproximar delas, porque me faz feliz manter uma conversa interessante ou agarrar-me a um amigo fantástico. Trabalho a minha ansiedade e, no final do dia, sinto-me orgulhosa de mim própria por cada pequena conquista.