Foi assim que deixei de escolher os tipos errados

For as long as I can remember, I had the wrong men in my life. Some of them were toxic, some were abusive and some of them were selfish… Some of them maybe weren’t all that wrong, but they were definitely wrong for me. Let me get one thing straight— wasn’t picking guys of a particular type (or at least, I thought I wasn’t); some of my boyfriends were players, you would characterize some of them as nice guys and they all looked different. But, all of them had one thing in common—they all treated me badly.

When I was younger, I thought all of my heartbreaks were due to my bad luck. I didn’t chase any of these guys, they were all actually a correr atrás de mim in the beginning. But as soon as they saw they had me, they changed drastically. Some changed the way they behaved with me, some of them just walked away and some acted perfectly until I found out about their lies and cheating. The point is that I’ve had more than one heartbreak and that I was always the one who ended up being hurt or left behind.

Demorei muito tempo a perceber que todos nós gravitamos em direção ao tipo de pessoas que nos são familiares. Por mais louco que possa parecer, os homens errados eram a minha zona de conforto e, por alguma razão, tinha pavor de quebrar os meus padrões de namoro.

À medida que fui crescendo, comecei a perceber que o que me estava a acontecer era mais do que uma mera coincidência. Era eu que estava a atrair esses homens e era eu que os estava a escolher, sem sequer ter consciência disso. Além disso, era eu que estava a ficar nestas relações tóxicas e manipuladoras. Todos eles viam algo em mim que me tornava uma vítima adequada para os seus jogos mentais e manipulação emocional.

It took me many years of introspection and self-reflection, but now I can say I’ve finally reached some kind of conclusion. I think I can finally say why I was choosing the guys that I was choosing and what it was that finally made me deixar de as apanhar.

This was hard for me to accept, but the first thing that attracted these guys was my self-esteem—or to be more precise, the lack of it. As far as I can remember, I’ve dealt with my different insecurities. Although I thought these were things people around me didn’t notice, I was obviously wrong. When I was with a handsome guy, I thought I wasn’t pretty enough and when I was with a guy whose main quality was his brain, I thought I wasn’t smart enough.

De qualquer forma, sempre pensei que não era suficientemente boa. E em vez de me concentrar nas minhas qualidades, optei por me concentrar nas minhas imperfeições. Pensava que estava a disfarçar as minhas inseguranças, mas os homens sentiam-nas. Sentiram que eu era alguém que ansiava pela sua aprovação e atenção. Por isso, no início, davam-me isso, só para me conquistarem.

Most of the men I’ve dated were actually too good to be true in the beginning. They knew exactly what I needed to hear and they used it. And that was their strategy—once they made me feel wanted and loved, they knew they had me completely and their job was done. After that, I kept doing whatever they wanted just to have their attention and love back.

I was always craving the amount of attention these guys were giving me in the beginning and they saw I became addicted to their approval. Therefore, they could treat me the way they wanted. And most of them did. It was always easy for a guy to convince me I wasn’t worthy and that I should be lucky to have him, no matter how he treated me.

So, if I wanted to break my dating patterns, the first thing I had to work on was my self-esteem. I needed to learn how to love and appreciate myself, before expecting respect from my partner. I can’t say that I’ve accomplished that goal just yet, but I am slowly working on it. I am taking baby steps, but I am teaching myself that it is OK for me not to be perfect and that my flaws are a part of who I am. Once you learn to aceitar as suas imperfeiçõesos outros seguir-se-ão. E quando aprender a amar-se e a valorizar-se, o seu parceiro fará o mesmo.

The next thing that brought all the wrong guys to me was my fear of solitude. We live in a society in which a single woman is always looked down upon. I was so terrified of being alone, because I thought I could never be a complete individual without a man by my side. So, I kept settling for guys who didn’t deserve me, just so I could have someone next to me.

Mesmo quando estava numa relação, vivia com um medo constante de que o homem me deixasse e, por isso, fazia tudo o que podia para o evitar. Pensava que os manteria ao meu lado se fizesse tudo o que eles queriam e se me tornasse na pessoa que eles queriam que eu fosse. Claro que os homens sentiram o meu desespero e usaram-no de todas as formas possíveis. O meu medo da solidão também estava relacionado com as minhas inseguranças; não é que tivesse passado momentos horríveis sozinha, tinha mais medo que as pessoas me julgassem, que pensassem que ninguém me queria o suficiente para ter uma relação comigo. Foi só quando percebi que estar sozinho e estar solitário não é a mesma coisa que aprendi a abraçar a vida de solteiro.

With time, I’ve slowly learned to appreciate ‘me-time’. It was hard in the beginning, but I gave myself time to get to know myself better and to start enjoying things that make only me happy, without having to compromise with my partner. And once I saw that single life is not all that terrifying and that it is something you should enjoy, my dating life also changed. I wasn’t desperate to get into a relationship anymore and that caused me to be more relaxed and indifferent toward guys, which saved me a lot of emotional pain and many heartbreaks. Also, I wasn’t falling into despair if things didn’t work out with a certain guy—I knew I always had a life I could go back to, with or without him in it.

Quando deixei de tentar mudar os homens à minha volta e comecei a trabalhar os meus problemas interiores, rompi com os meus velhos padrões de namoro. Foi quando percebi o que é que eu preciso e quero da vida. E isso deu-me a capacidade de reconhecer os tipos errados no momento em que os vejo.

I still can’t say I have found the man of my dreams, but I think I am on a good path. At least, I livrou-se dos tipos errados de uma vez por todas e considero isso um dos meus maiores sucessos.

Although I am still in the process of dealing with my insecurities, I have come a long way. I’ve realized that the guys I was choosing and the way they were treating me were actually reflections of the value I placed on myself. I was constantly involved with guys who were devaluing me because I thought that was the best I deserved. But now, I’ve finally seen my true worth and I am not ready to give a place in my life to anyone who is not ready to appreciate me.