Compreender os traumas e os gatilhos do seu parceiro é uma linguagem de amor

Durante muito tempo, estive convencida de que a minha relação anterior tinha falhado porque o meu ex e eu tínhamos diferentes linguagens do amor.

You see, love languages are a big deal in each romantic relationship. I’m sure you know them all: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Toque físico.

Para encurtar a história, depois de muita análise, percebi que a sua linguagem amorosa era o toque físico.

Este homem não tinha qualquer expressão verbal de amor. De facto, a única forma de demonstrar afeto era através do toque íntimo.

What’s wrong with that? Well, for an insecure girl like me, this brings a bunch of doubts to the table.

Este homem está apenas a usar-me? Será que o único objetivo dele é entrar nas minhas calças? Porque é que ele nunca me diz que me ama?

Estas eram todas as perguntas que me passavam pela cabeça. Antes mesmo de estar familiarizada com o conceito de linguagens do amor, estas perguntas estavam a comer-me viva.

Veja, I wasn’t aware of the fact that different people express love in different ways. So, I spent most of my relationship feeling emotionally neglected and questioning my ex’s feelings.

Todos os especialistas ensinam a importância de conhecer o seu significant other’s love language. Esta informação preciosa dá-lhe uma visão incrível de toda a sua personalidade.

Not only that: it also gives you a chance for healthier communication. When you are familiar with a man’s love language, you immediately open the doors to his heart and mind.

Aprende-se a abordá-los e a satisfazer as suas necessidades emocionais.

Even though I’m not saying that the theory of the five love languages isn’t as important as the experts are saying, but there is another thing you must pay attention to if you want a healthy relationship and a happy love life.

I’m talking about your partner’s deeply rooted traumas and triggers. I’m talking about his heartbreaks and mental health conditions.

I’m talking about his emotional wounds that later turned into scars.

Porque é que ele se tornou na pessoa que é hoje? O que é que o transformou neste homem emocionalmente destroçado que é incapaz de dizer três simples palavras?

Naturally, it goes both ways – or at least, it should. You can’t love a woman who’s been through hell and back the same way you’d love a girl who’s never experienced the pain of heartbreak.

As a mature man, you have to be brave enough to dig under her layers and find what’s hidden deep inside of her.

It doesn’t matter if your partner was in an abusive relationship, wasted years on a narcissistic manipulator, or can’t get over a painful childhood – they are a trauma survivor.

They are struggling with issues you know nothing about, and it’s your job to help them along the way.

And when you love a trauma survivor – you have to make your relationship feel like home for them. You have to shower them with love and security.

This is what they need, even though they’ll probably never ask for it. Trust me: Só quando o fizerem é que ficarão verdadeiramente ligados um ao outro.

Only when you see each other’s vulnerabilities exposed will you be sure that you’ve gained your partner’s trust, despite everything they’ve been through in the past.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s not your responsibility to fix people. You’re not a rehabilitation center for damaged men.

So, if you don’t want to deal with someone’s traumas and triggers, that’s perfectly okay. Just be honest with yourself and him and walk away in time before they get used to your presence.

Mas quando decidimos verdadeiramente acolher outra pessoa na nossa vida, quer queiramos quer não, ela vem com uma bagagem emocional. They won’t bring only laughter and happiness along.

When you love someone, you also have to love the traumatized child in them. You’re there to help them heal their old wounds, even those they think they’ve forgotten about.

Quando amamos alguém, temos de aceitar também os seus demónios.

You have to embrace their darkness and help them see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that’s the most important linguagem do amor de todos eles.