Não importa o quanto eu tente lutar contra isso, eu ainda te amo

If someone asked you how I feel about you, you would probably tell them that I’d forgotten all about you a long time ago. You would probably tell them how I’d moved on a while ago and that you are just a part of the past for me now. You would probably tell them that you are certain that you never cross my mind and that I don’t have any feelings for you left.

And I am certain that this is what you really think. I am certain of this because I made sure that you think this way. I tried very hard to prove to you that I don’t care for you any longer and I think I succeeded in convincing you that is true. I’ve never tried contacting you and I never gave you any signals that would make you think Continuo a amar-te. Por isso, é óbvio que provavelmente pensas que já não há amor por ti dentro de mim.

Mas não fazem ideia de como estão enganados. E ainda bem que assim é. You have no idea how much I miss you and that is something I hope you’ll never find out.

This is something nobody around me knows. Yes, the people close to me knew how much I suffered for you and they knew that I was devastated when you walked away from me. They knew that you broke my heart and that it took me a long time to recover from all the things you did to me. But they all think I am way better now. They all think that you are just a distant memory for me and that you just represent a lesson from the past. They all think I am completely indifferent toward you and that I don’t have any feelings left for you. But actually, nobody knows the real truth.

E até precisei de muita força para o aceitar. Menti a mim própria durante muito tempo. I pretended I didn’t care for you because it was easier for me to handle our break-up and my heartbreak this way. It was more than enough that my heart and soul were shattered into pieces and I simply couldn’t allow for my ego to be hurt as well. So I didn’t want to face the real truth. I was pretending to be tough and insensitive even in front of myself.

This worked out just fine for some time. Whenever you crossed my mind, somehow I would manage to chase those thoughts away. And I’ve tried dating other guys. But somehow, every one of these guys was missing something. Now I know that none of them was you and that this was the real reason I didn’t like them. And that was something I refused to accept.

But when I saw you for the first time after you left me, that was when I couldn’t pretend I didn’t love you anymore. All my feelings for you came back the moment I saw your face, the moment I heard your voice and the moment I saw you smiling at me. All the love and all the pain came back. Actually, I realized none of it was ever gone; I had just buried all those feelings deep inside of me, thinking they would disappear that way.

Mas quando me olhaste diretamente nos olhos, como fizeste antes, I had to face the fact that I still love you, despite all the efforts I’ve put into superando-o. Foi aí que percebi que estava apaixonado por ti desde o primeiro dia. E foi quando me apercebi que não tinha qualquer controlo sobre os meus sentimentos por ti.

But it doesn’t mean I’ve allowed for you to see it. On the contrary, I acted like everything was going great in my life and like I had just seen an old acquaintance. Agi com total indiferença em relação a ti.

E ainda bem que o fiz.

Because I don’t want you to ever find out how I feel every time someone mentions your name, every time I see someone who looks like you or every time I smell the scent of your aftershave. I don’t want you to know that I am still stuck in the same spot where you left me and that I haven’t moved an inch.

Mas acima de tudo, I don’t want you to ever be aware of how hard I tried to kill this love I feel for you. And I don’t want you to know that I’ve obviously failed in doing so. I don’t want you to know that you still have full control over me, despite everything you did to me. I don’t want you to ever find out that I was obviously too weak to fight these emotions I feel for you.

Because that is something you don’t deserve to know.