Não merecias morrer

Sabes, apesar de pensar em ti a maior parte do tempo, consigo de alguma forma encarar a verdade e aceitar que já se foi. Digo a mim própria que tenho de ser forte porque já não estás aqui para seres forte por nós os dois.

I even try to understand those people who tell me that God always takes away the best people and that you were just like that. I believe them when they say that you take care of me from heaven and that you would be so proud of me for everything I’ve gone through.

But there are days when I can’t accept that you are not here because you have every right to be. So, I get mad. I get frustrated. I get angry. And there are so many bad emotions inside of me that I sometimes think I will explode.

Because no matter how much I would love to bring you back, I can’t. And that feeling is eating me alive. It makes my body shiver. It makes a fuss in my mind, so I can’t think straight. It makes different questions keep rising in my head, and I don’t have an answer to any of them.

And on those days, I feel so bad that I can’t be strong like you always wanted me to be. I am sorry that I am negative and that I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am sorry that I am bad company. I am sorry for not being as strong as you were.

You know, I am mad because you left all those people who loved you. You just left even if we weren’t ready for that.

Don’t you know that there are still faces that need your kisses? Don’t you know that there are still small hands that are waiting to reach around your neck? Don’t you know that I miss you? We all do.E o que mais me chateia é estar na companhia de pessoas más que vivem a sua vida perfeita enquanto tu estás a seis pés debaixo da terra. E o teu coração lindo e puro merecia mais do que um pouco de terra fria. Merecia mais dias e anos com os teus entes queridos.

Mereceste viver uma vida feliz rodeado pela tua família, pelos teus netos que saltarão alegremente à tua volta enquanto tentas alimentá-los. Merecias morrer a dormir, sabendo que estaremos bem sem ti. Que seremos capazes de tomar conta de nós próprios, porque nos ensinaste muito bem como o fazer.

But no. You didn’t wait. You left without even saying goodbye. You left so unexpectedly. And I still can’t believe you are not here. And you have every right to be.

I am so mad because life isn’t fair. I am mad because you didn’t deserve to die. I am mad because nothing about your life was fair—and about your death either.

It hurts so much that I can’t call you and ask you about your day. I hate that I miss you all the time. I hate that every memory of you makes me cry. And most of all, I hate that you are not here.

You are supposed to sit here with me, telling me that I shouldn’t cry but laugh instead. You should be here to tell me that I have to be strong because you always taught me to be like that.

Devias estar aqui, para eu poder encostar a minha cabeça ao teu ombro, como costumava fazer depois de um dia de trabalho stressante. Raios, devias estar aqui!

E por muito que acredite nas pessoas por um momento quando dizem que agora estás num lugar melhor, continuarei a pensar que foi tudo um grande erro.

I will still believe that you shouldn’t have gone.

I will still believe that you didn’t deserve to die.