You know, even though I think about you most of the time, I can somehow face the truth and accept that you are gone. I tell myself that I should be strong because you are not here anymore to be strong for both of us.
I even try to understand those people who tell me that God always takes away the best people and that you were just like that. I believe them when they say that you take care of me from heaven and that you would be so proud of me for everything I’ve gone through.
But there are days when I can’t accept that you are not here because you have every right to be. So, I get mad. I get frustrated. I get angry. And there are so many bad emotions inside of me that I sometimes think I will explode.
Because no matter how much I would love to bring you back, I can’t. And that feeling is eating me alive. It makes my body shiver. It makes a fuss in my mind, so I can’t think straight. It makes different questions keep rising in my head, and I don’t have an answer to any of them.
And on those days, I feel so bad that I can’t be strong like you always wanted me to be. I am sorry that I am negative and that I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am sorry that I am bad company. I am sorry for not being as strong as you were.
You know, I am mad because you left all those people who loved you. You just left even if we weren’t ready for that.
Don’t you know that there are still faces that need your kisses? Don’t you know that there are still small hands that are waiting to reach around your neck? Don’t you know that I miss you? We all do.And what pisses me off the most is being in the company of some bad people who live their perfect lives while you are six feet under the ground. And your beautiful and pure heart deserved more than some cold dirt. It deserved more days and years with your loved ones.
You deserved to live a happy life surrounded by your family, your grandchildren who will cheerfully jump around you while you are trying to feed them. You deserved to die in your sleep knowing that we will be fine without you. That we will be able to take care of ourselves because you taught us very well how to do that.
But no. You didn’t wait. You left without even saying goodbye. You left so unexpectedly. And I still can’t believe you are not here. And you have every right to be.
I am so mad because life isn’t fair. I am mad because you didn’t deserve to die. I am mad because nothing about your life was fair—and about your death either.
It hurts so much that I can’t call you and ask you about your day. I hate that I miss you all the time. I hate that every memory of you makes me cry. And most of all, I hate that you are not here.
You are supposed to sit here with me, telling me that I shouldn’t cry but laugh instead. You should be here to tell me that I have to be strong because you always taught me to be like that.
You should be here, so I can lean my head on your shoulder as I used to after a stressful working day. Damn, you should be here!
And no matter if I believe people for just a moment when they say that you are in a better place now, I will still think it was all one big mistake.
I will still believe that you shouldn’t have gone.
I will still believe that you didn’t deserve to die.
Christine is the author of ‘Staring Into The Eyes Of Anxiety And Depression’, a book that will change the way you fight anxiety and depression.